How Today Went
Well, I went to the mental health clinic this morning... Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We didn't have to wait long at all to get in and she was pleasently nice, as always. She told me that I finally (FINALLY) have a doctor's appointment. It's July the 11th at 1:15... so I can't wait for that!!! She also said that it looks like we qualify for their main prescription program that means I can get all of my prescriptions for $5 a bottle!! YAY!!! I was so excited. Yeah, I know that means we're the poor of the poor, but that's okay with me. At least I'm finally going to be able to get my meds and not have to worry about the cost! It also turns out that he might give me Lithium instead of what I've been taking, which might be a good change. I've heard that Lithium is like a wonder-drug for some people. I hope I will be one of those "people."
We also talked about making a goal-list for my chart. Sort of a medical/clinical treatment plan. I've got to come up with one or 2 really good goals to provide her with to put in my chart. Something that I want to happen within the time period that I'm being treated there. I don't know what I'm going to put. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and so little space in that chart. I figured that I'm going to write a little list and then pick the 2 that I really feel strongly about. I have a feeling that one of them will be going back to school. I want to go back to school and finish so badly!! i just don't know what I want to do with it yet. I don't know where my interests lie. I have so many things that I'm really interested in, and that I really do well in, but after a while, I just lose that longing for it. I lose interest and then I wind up not caring anymore. I wish that didn't happen, and I'm willing to bet that it's because of my disorder that I feel that way about so many things.
So, School will definently be one of the goals. I'm thinking that a job would be another, but if I get a job, I will no longer qualify for the program... but I guess that will be something I will have to deal with later. I mean, getting a job is important to me. I want to be on a set shedule. I want to get up every morning and have a purpose. I don't have that right now. I don't feel like it matters if I get up in the morning or not. It really doesn't. So a job is something else to consider for that goal list.
Losing weight. This is a BIG thing for me right now. I've been on so much medication the last year or 2 (including the depo shot) that I've gained 80 pounds. No one should gain 80 pounds in the time period of a year or 2. That's drastic. That's bad! And I've done a lot to try and stop that. I've stopped taking the depo shot. I've gone swimming 3 times a week (which I loved doing, but I lost interest again, and lost the energy, so I stopped), I don't eat a lot at all!!! I eat maybe twice a day, if that. I don't eat badly, either. I don't eat fried foods at all. So, there I am at a loss. I want to lose that weight so bad and get back to where I was when I first met Ben. I was a happy size 14. I was energetic, I was happy, laughing, outgoing, everything I want to be now. Now, I just sit and home and sulk. So, weight loss is another factor to consider for that goal list.
My family and friends. Having them again.. having some sort of relationship with them would be so nice. Right now, I'm not able to do that. I can't get along with anyone. I argue with my family every time I get on the phone with them, no matter who it is. It doesn't matter the topic, I just am quick to anger, and yet they don't understand me at all. They don't understand what it is they should say, and what it is they shouldn't. They don't know that their words hurt me very much and that I am very sensitive about what they say about me. It hurts. It really does. My friends, however, I'm just trying to distance myself from. I am not right with myself now, and I can't be right with anyone else until I'm okay first. I have to be able to withstand a day in my own skin before I can share a day with someone else. I hope this makes sense. I hope that they see this and understand that I DONT HATE THEM! I just don't see why they have to feel that way. I'm just confused and a little "not there" right now. It happens. a lot...
So, I don't know if I can include that as a goal, or what.
I have a lot to think about in the next week and a half. Deana (my therapist) told me that our conversations are going to get more in depth after I've had my medication. She said the reason they haven't been right now is because I'm not stable enough to get into all of that. She's right. I know that. So, I've got to get ready for that too. I was sitting there today, in her office, and I guess I've been watching too much anime, because I just had this feeling like I had a bright red, blinking sign above my head that read: "There's more to her." There is a lot more to me... a lot.
I went to the library after my therapy session, and something strange happened. All of a sudden the room got smaller and smaller. I glanced up and this book that was facing outwards looked like a face and it scared the shit out of me. I got all confused and not sure of what I wanted to do. We had some books in our hands and I just told Ben to leave them and lets go. He told me no, that we should get them and then leave. He looked really worried. I don't know what happened. It was very scary though. all of a sudden feeling like you are lost and the room is closing in on you. It seems like I can't go anywhere anymore without something like that happening to me. I don't wanna be homebound!! I just don't! If not because I'm afraid of it, but because I don't wanna bring that on Ben too. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to have to put up with a crazy wife. He just deserves to be happy.
*sigh* I think that's all I have in my head right now... but it wouldn't surpirse me if there were more...
-WoLf
We also talked about making a goal-list for my chart. Sort of a medical/clinical treatment plan. I've got to come up with one or 2 really good goals to provide her with to put in my chart. Something that I want to happen within the time period that I'm being treated there. I don't know what I'm going to put. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and so little space in that chart. I figured that I'm going to write a little list and then pick the 2 that I really feel strongly about. I have a feeling that one of them will be going back to school. I want to go back to school and finish so badly!! i just don't know what I want to do with it yet. I don't know where my interests lie. I have so many things that I'm really interested in, and that I really do well in, but after a while, I just lose that longing for it. I lose interest and then I wind up not caring anymore. I wish that didn't happen, and I'm willing to bet that it's because of my disorder that I feel that way about so many things.
So, School will definently be one of the goals. I'm thinking that a job would be another, but if I get a job, I will no longer qualify for the program... but I guess that will be something I will have to deal with later. I mean, getting a job is important to me. I want to be on a set shedule. I want to get up every morning and have a purpose. I don't have that right now. I don't feel like it matters if I get up in the morning or not. It really doesn't. So a job is something else to consider for that goal list.
Losing weight. This is a BIG thing for me right now. I've been on so much medication the last year or 2 (including the depo shot) that I've gained 80 pounds. No one should gain 80 pounds in the time period of a year or 2. That's drastic. That's bad! And I've done a lot to try and stop that. I've stopped taking the depo shot. I've gone swimming 3 times a week (which I loved doing, but I lost interest again, and lost the energy, so I stopped), I don't eat a lot at all!!! I eat maybe twice a day, if that. I don't eat badly, either. I don't eat fried foods at all. So, there I am at a loss. I want to lose that weight so bad and get back to where I was when I first met Ben. I was a happy size 14. I was energetic, I was happy, laughing, outgoing, everything I want to be now. Now, I just sit and home and sulk. So, weight loss is another factor to consider for that goal list.
My family and friends. Having them again.. having some sort of relationship with them would be so nice. Right now, I'm not able to do that. I can't get along with anyone. I argue with my family every time I get on the phone with them, no matter who it is. It doesn't matter the topic, I just am quick to anger, and yet they don't understand me at all. They don't understand what it is they should say, and what it is they shouldn't. They don't know that their words hurt me very much and that I am very sensitive about what they say about me. It hurts. It really does. My friends, however, I'm just trying to distance myself from. I am not right with myself now, and I can't be right with anyone else until I'm okay first. I have to be able to withstand a day in my own skin before I can share a day with someone else. I hope this makes sense. I hope that they see this and understand that I DONT HATE THEM! I just don't see why they have to feel that way. I'm just confused and a little "not there" right now. It happens. a lot...
So, I don't know if I can include that as a goal, or what.
I have a lot to think about in the next week and a half. Deana (my therapist) told me that our conversations are going to get more in depth after I've had my medication. She said the reason they haven't been right now is because I'm not stable enough to get into all of that. She's right. I know that. So, I've got to get ready for that too. I was sitting there today, in her office, and I guess I've been watching too much anime, because I just had this feeling like I had a bright red, blinking sign above my head that read: "There's more to her." There is a lot more to me... a lot.
I went to the library after my therapy session, and something strange happened. All of a sudden the room got smaller and smaller. I glanced up and this book that was facing outwards looked like a face and it scared the shit out of me. I got all confused and not sure of what I wanted to do. We had some books in our hands and I just told Ben to leave them and lets go. He told me no, that we should get them and then leave. He looked really worried. I don't know what happened. It was very scary though. all of a sudden feeling like you are lost and the room is closing in on you. It seems like I can't go anywhere anymore without something like that happening to me. I don't wanna be homebound!! I just don't! If not because I'm afraid of it, but because I don't wanna bring that on Ben too. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to have to put up with a crazy wife. He just deserves to be happy.
*sigh* I think that's all I have in my head right now... but it wouldn't surpirse me if there were more...
-WoLf