Ted Cruz Having Sex Is The Least Convincing Scandal Yet
Ted Cruz has had his fair share of humiliating conspiracy theories since his Presidential race began. He might have been the Zodiac Killer. He could be moonlighting as the frontman for the Christian heavy metal band Stryper. He is secretly a flightless bird that lost all of its feathers. If he kills you in your dreams, you die in real life. He is powered by a river of slime flowing beneath the city that feeds on negative emotion. If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you. If you stare into his eyes long enough, you will see which of your loved ones went to Hell after they died. He is secretly Canadian.
All of these seem completely plausible compared to the new revelation that hit the American mainstream news media on Friday: Ted Cruz has apparently been cheating on his wife. Not with one, not with two, not with three, not even with four, but with FIVE WOMEN, not with six or seven, eight, nine or ten, but FIVE WHOLE WOMEN. (I'm specifically not counting the chunks of women, if it turns out he actually IS the Zodiac Killer.)
I'm sorry, but this new allegation goes beyond the pale. My disbelief cannot be suspended any further than to be expected to believe that no less than five reasonably attractive, intelligent women would willingly let Ted Cruz slither his penis up inside them. Granted these are women who support a political party that routinely excludes women from making decisions that affect their own lives so perhaps their judgment isn't the most sound to begin with. Still, one would think once you're at the heavy petting stage and you realize you are not Ted Cruz's wife, you'd start to question Ted's commitment to religious family values and cast your vote in someone else's ballot.
My intention is not to insult or shame the women in question, though, even though I'm pretty sure I already have. For that, I apologize. Now that I have it on good authority that Ted Cruz has actual sex - with living human beings no less - I'm mostly curious. I had always thought of Ted Cruz as an asexual, gelatinous blob that had taken roughly human form and started running for political office. I figured his wife and kids were either paid actors or pieces of himself that he broke off and remolded into humanlike forms. Surely, I thought, nobody could love Ted Cruz.
I thought wrong.
It turns out I forgot one of my own axioms, that no matter how terrible you think you are, you are somebody's fetish. Or if you prefer a more romantic, idealistic approach, out of seven and a half billion people, there has got to be at least one person in the world perfectly matched for every other person, even if the person in question is the most horrible person ever. This is backed up by the absolute fact that there is never an odd number of people in the world. (I may have just made up this absolute fact, but go ahead and try to prove me wrong. By the time you get the results to me, someone else will have either died or been born.)
There are many things that fascinate me about this scandal, and how it will affect Ted Cruz's political career and chances at the Presidency is so far at the bottom of that list it's loosely gripping the bottom edge of the paper, trying to hold on. No one cares about Ted Cruz's political career or his chances at the Presidency except to see both go away. No one thinks he's going to beat Donald Trump any more than anyone thinks the Republicans are going to make Donald Trump their nominee. If anything, this discovery might actually help his political career since it's the first interesting thing Ted Cruz has done in his entire life.
The following questions may be disturbing to more sensitive readers, but as a matter of public interest I feel these questions must be asked because I am having a difficult time trying to wrap my brain around this new development. It would be easier if we just knew the truth. Or, perhaps, like the possibility that the entity we think of as God is really just an emotionless, dark, formless void drifting through the galaxy and will one day consume us all in an excruciatingly painful, torturous death, the less we know about Ted Cruz's sex life the better off we'll be. For the sake of comedy, I'm going to assume the former because the idea of Ted Cruz having sex with multiple partners kind of negates the possibility that there is a God.
What is it like to be courted by Ted Cruz?
My leading theory is he deposits a certain amount of "kindness coins" and then whines about the "Friend Zone" until the woman gives in to make him shut up about it.
With the help of a wig and some strategically-placed Spandex, Ted Cruz could assume the likeness of Christian heavy metal band Stryper's frontman Michael Sweet. No woman can resist the raw sexual magnetism of a man in a black and yellow body glove, brandishing a guitar and screaming the half-remembered lyrics to Stryper's one big hit at a karaoke bar. ("Here I Go Again On My Own"? "The Heat Of The Moment"? "The Final Countdown"? Does it matter?)
Failing that, I suppose staring like a predatory creature with that weird sneering smile of his from the opposite side of whatever room the woman finds herself in might be romantic and not at all creepy to some.
Maybe - and this is pretty far down on the list - he actually is a real human being with complex thoughts and emotions, and the incredible burden of being one of the world's most reviled individuals is a profoundly alienating experience, and once they got to know him as a person with feelings, these women all took pity on his loneliness and despair and did their best to try to comfort him. However, considering that they pretty much all left him soon after, many for his rivals' campaigns to whom he had to pay shush money, the likelihood that he forged any lasting bond with the women is negligible.
It's far more likely that he evoked God's Name to sanction this Holy Breaking-Of-The -Seventh-Commandment-For-Reasons because Ted Cruz evokes God's Name for everything. He wants to run for President? God told him to. He wins a Primary State? God blessed his campaign. He filibusters to deny people basic health care? God gave him the temerity. His parents' genes combined to create the worst possible face? God gave him the personality to match. He wants to cheat on his wife with upwards of five different women? I'm sure he told them that God came to him in a dream and blessed each union, because God's Law is irrelevant when it conflicts with Ted's Desire.
The next question is of the most vital national importance, so pay close attention and give as detailed a report as you can recall. How did you avoid getting pecked in the eyes with Ted's enormous beak while the two of you were making out?
what dOES TED CRUZ'S penis look like?
By now we are all pretty comfortable with the idea that Ted Cruz is not truly human. He could be an alien; or a cybernetic organism sent from the future to destroy all of mankind; or some sort of amorphous blob bound together by a three-piece suit, some fleshtone gloves, and a John Goodman Halloween mask; or a large featherless bird, a lizard person, or a combination of the two wearing heavy concealer; or a Canadian. With that in mind, only a few people have ever seen his "campaign staff" (if you catch my drift), and any information could provide valuable insight about his true origins.
- Was it corkscrew shaped?
- Did it have the head of a snake?
- Was it coated in the same thin mucus-like membrane as the rest of his body?
- Did it ejaculate black semen?
- Was there a knot?
- Did the slit form the same contemptuous sneer as his mouth? Did it have teeth?
- Did it at any time speak to you independently of Ted Cruz?
- Was it pointed and angular like his nose?
- Did the skin tone match the rest of his body?
- Did it at any time detatch, buzz, or vibrate? Were there any switches, jacks, or extensions?
- Did it melt into a chromic silver blob or reform into any other shapes?
- Could it bend, flex, writhe, or fold in places not typical of the standard erect penis?
- Was there a tatoo down the side that read: "Property of Ted Cruz for President 2016. If found please return to [address withheld]"
- Could he only get an erection while quoting scripture?
- Did he demand that you deposit your eggs on the bed so he could shower them with his gametes?
- At the point of climax, did he call out the Virgin Mary's name, Mary Magdelene's name, Jesus' name, his own name, his mother's name, or a man's name you didn't recognize? (There's an office pool going.)
My money's on "The God Rod" or "The Divining Rod."
Other possibilities include:
"Your Personal Hotline to God"
"The Punisher"
"The Philly-Buster"
"The Libertarian Dream"
"The Senate Majority Leader"
"The Power and the Glory"
"The Alpha and the Two Omegas"
"The Tree of Enlightenment"
"The Redeemer from Sin"
"The Cruz Control Lever"
"The Tea Party Express"
"The Dweller in the Depths"
His "Second Amendment Right"
His "Big Tent Revival"
His "scepter"
His "aedeagus"
His "wee-wee"