Resetting The ECU
I hate that every time I think about writing in this thing it seems like such a great idea. Im walking some where and thinking and feeling that I want to write but for some reason I log on here and decide for some reason that I dont want to do it any more. Its werid. Its like seeing an old girlfriend and Im instantly interested and then I talk to her and I just get turned off.
So heres to that notion right now of sparking want and desire, only to have it turned off once you get here.
These weeks have been hard, the hardest I have had in a long long long time, I dont deny that. I can not tell you of the tears that I have shed in the past weeks. The feeling of being depressed, destroyed, lost, hopelessness... all of it. Having your heart shattered by some one who you have now fallen in love with and want to give everything too and to just have them leave you hanging on a "maybe" or an "I dont know". Nothing hurts more then that right now. I feel numb and cold... but better days are ahead... I can feel it. My mood matches the weather right now perfectly. It is emotionless, cruel, bitter, and cold. I know I put her through this, but nothing like this. Nothing like this. To cry into a womans chest after telling her your heart and soul, only to have it met with lukewarm I dont knows... theres got to be more to life then this.
This weekend was life changing for sure. I drank way too much, I didnt even have time to get emotional. I started to stop breathing though, and thats scary. I dont remember much of what happened once I actually went to bed, but it was bad. It made me take a hard look at my life. It made me look at everything that I have had, everything that I have lost, all that I have accomplished, and everything that I have failed at. Im not trying to over embellish what happened, but it is likely that I could not have been here any more, all in the comfort of my own home. For a while I wondered if I was still here, but I am, and this is good to know.
Resetting the ECU. What does that mean? I guess if you dont know much about cars, thats the Electronic Control Module, or basically the brains of the whole car. It tells the car everything that its supposed to do, how to function and operate. I am resetting mine. I need to. I need to change my ways, my life, how I look at things. I need to leave Auburn, maybe even Alabama. I want to separate myself from everything that I know. I need to feel free again, and I am not able to do that here for some reason. I need to get away, I need to escape this place. My ticket is to apply to SCAD. I need to get into that school and just do it. To leave behind all this shit in my life. To finally leave the thoughts of all the girls that I have either loved, almost been in love with, had relations with, all of it. I need to leave Sarah Jayne. I need to leave so bad. I found myself here in Auburn, and its not what I wanted to find at all. I know Im meant for more then this. Ive found myself at a constant state of being so far behind, always. Its maddening to be on this track. Its like Ive borrowed my life from credit card companies, and no matter how much I try, I still owe more. I need to escape that, to just declare bankruptcy and rebuild, restart. Restart myself. I need to be happy on my own. I have not done that in a long long time. I need to say goodbye. Ive tried to do that but I just cant seem to get it out.
I need to shed these extra lbs. It will enable me to be happy. I know it will. It holds me back like tar stuck to the bottom of my shoes while I run.
Maybe SCAD will accept me. Maybe I can find my new life there and to leave this empty shell that I have become. I wont leave everything tho. Im taking my family, adam, ashmo and randall, and few of the good friends that I have made here.
SJE is ripping me apart right now. Im moving on, I have done it this past weekend. Like Spencer said, you need to be concerned that shes happy, but you have to worry about your happiness too. I dont want to pull the trigger on her. I dont. But now that I have looked back over what has been done and said... I need to go. I need to let go. She didn't treat me right when I first started dating her. Shes going to have a tough time finding that some one to make her happy. Im willing to make a wager that she wont keep them long. I want her to realize what she lost one day. I want her to realize she lost her best friend and lover. Love occupies a large part of you when you are in love. It makes you weak. The sad thing is that when its no longer good to you, all thats left to fill it is pain, sadness, and anger/resentment. Im moving on. I am. I have too.
I need to forget my past, all the things that have happened, all this stupid shit that has taken up my life and just be happy. Im now working towards that. Its going to suck.
Time to reset the ECU
So heres to that notion right now of sparking want and desire, only to have it turned off once you get here.
These weeks have been hard, the hardest I have had in a long long long time, I dont deny that. I can not tell you of the tears that I have shed in the past weeks. The feeling of being depressed, destroyed, lost, hopelessness... all of it. Having your heart shattered by some one who you have now fallen in love with and want to give everything too and to just have them leave you hanging on a "maybe" or an "I dont know". Nothing hurts more then that right now. I feel numb and cold... but better days are ahead... I can feel it. My mood matches the weather right now perfectly. It is emotionless, cruel, bitter, and cold. I know I put her through this, but nothing like this. Nothing like this. To cry into a womans chest after telling her your heart and soul, only to have it met with lukewarm I dont knows... theres got to be more to life then this.
This weekend was life changing for sure. I drank way too much, I didnt even have time to get emotional. I started to stop breathing though, and thats scary. I dont remember much of what happened once I actually went to bed, but it was bad. It made me take a hard look at my life. It made me look at everything that I have had, everything that I have lost, all that I have accomplished, and everything that I have failed at. Im not trying to over embellish what happened, but it is likely that I could not have been here any more, all in the comfort of my own home. For a while I wondered if I was still here, but I am, and this is good to know.
Resetting the ECU. What does that mean? I guess if you dont know much about cars, thats the Electronic Control Module, or basically the brains of the whole car. It tells the car everything that its supposed to do, how to function and operate. I am resetting mine. I need to. I need to change my ways, my life, how I look at things. I need to leave Auburn, maybe even Alabama. I want to separate myself from everything that I know. I need to feel free again, and I am not able to do that here for some reason. I need to get away, I need to escape this place. My ticket is to apply to SCAD. I need to get into that school and just do it. To leave behind all this shit in my life. To finally leave the thoughts of all the girls that I have either loved, almost been in love with, had relations with, all of it. I need to leave Sarah Jayne. I need to leave so bad. I found myself here in Auburn, and its not what I wanted to find at all. I know Im meant for more then this. Ive found myself at a constant state of being so far behind, always. Its maddening to be on this track. Its like Ive borrowed my life from credit card companies, and no matter how much I try, I still owe more. I need to escape that, to just declare bankruptcy and rebuild, restart. Restart myself. I need to be happy on my own. I have not done that in a long long time. I need to say goodbye. Ive tried to do that but I just cant seem to get it out.
I need to shed these extra lbs. It will enable me to be happy. I know it will. It holds me back like tar stuck to the bottom of my shoes while I run.
Maybe SCAD will accept me. Maybe I can find my new life there and to leave this empty shell that I have become. I wont leave everything tho. Im taking my family, adam, ashmo and randall, and few of the good friends that I have made here.
SJE is ripping me apart right now. Im moving on, I have done it this past weekend. Like Spencer said, you need to be concerned that shes happy, but you have to worry about your happiness too. I dont want to pull the trigger on her. I dont. But now that I have looked back over what has been done and said... I need to go. I need to let go. She didn't treat me right when I first started dating her. Shes going to have a tough time finding that some one to make her happy. Im willing to make a wager that she wont keep them long. I want her to realize what she lost one day. I want her to realize she lost her best friend and lover. Love occupies a large part of you when you are in love. It makes you weak. The sad thing is that when its no longer good to you, all thats left to fill it is pain, sadness, and anger/resentment. Im moving on. I am. I have too.
I need to forget my past, all the things that have happened, all this stupid shit that has taken up my life and just be happy. Im now working towards that. Its going to suck.
Time to reset the ECU