Road to a slow recovery
I am currently a product of what I have been doing to myself for the past 2 years now. I hate it, I hate me right now. I am trying to not remain cynical right now. I dont hate every one or hate this world. Im trying my hardest to become who I need to be. I love Jimmy Johns, weird random fact but it has relevance here. They have some cool signage up and their graphic design department is actually pretty talented. There is a sign that has many quotes by some guy. They are good quotes but they are wise in their words. One states "It will take a very long time for me to become the person I want to be". Changing ones self is hard. You must face your own self and thats hard. Its a big pill to swallow. You must admit to yourself that you have failed. You are responsible for your own happiness or lack there of. Im trying to do that right now. Last night was a bad night emotionally. It was draining, depressing, and painful. A pain that can only be expressed through tears. You know they say men aren't supposed to cry, dont be a pussy, man up. That doesnt mean that you still cant hurt. It seems it is the only way to let it go. Last night I learned sje was officially dating this new guy. I have yet to accept this fact yet. It hurts. When she told me she fell asleep on Jarred it killed me. When I found this picture, it hurt even more
I miss her. I miss her company, I miss her flirting with me. I miss giving her back rubs. I miss so much. Granted there is a bit that I dont miss but I guess shes learned either how to not do that to Jarred or what not from our bad experiences.
I have this concept to push harder when the chips down. The pain asociated with it is intoxicating to a certain extent. I dont care about me, I mean I do, but its a much darker concept. I feel more reckless in doing what I need to do to get done, be it dieting or what have you. It sucks to be a designer, it makes you point out your flaws and just focus on your flaws and not the good about you. Its hard. It makes you self concious, Im just hoping this year passes fast for some reason. I wish I could skip this part of my life. Well certain aspects any way. This is why I like Little Miss Sunshine and I aslo hate it. The movie discusses many thoughts and ideas of friedrich niche. Granted Im sure his ideas were loosely used to some extent, Dwayne Hoover seems to live by. Hes my favorite character due to his dedication and almost blind following of his dreams, nothing matters. Once Dwayne meets his ultimate rock bottom its that Steve Carrell mentions the fact that we learn most when we are in pain and suffering. This is not to say that I am suffering to a certain extent, but Im learning from this pain. Its making me hate myself and what I have become. I feel like a grunt now and its good. I have a goal, an objective. I dont care what I do to myself to get there, but I will. Its hard, you want to be distracted and such but you cant. You deni yourself as punishment but in return grow a step closer to what you need. Its like the cutting of a Hydra's head. You sever the head to only have two come back in its place. Yes I am sullen right now. Im not angry but I am sad, not hysterical, but serious. It sucks when you attend a college with beautiful ladies around you and you cant shake up the courage to talk to some one new and random. I miss falling in love. I miss having my heart skip a beat. SJE to a certain extent did and did not do that to me. I miss her because she is a good friend, and even though we are not dating, we are still friends. This is not to say that its not hard, its really hard. Its hard because she can say one thing and I miss her. I tried getting back with her on Christmas only to be denied. It hurt. I told her I missed her. I think I even began to fall in love with her. Funny how things happen when you dont want them to happen... it did or it seemed to begin.
I dont want to cut this out of my life though
These people are helping me through this, they are helping me forget. I hope we stay friends a long long time... Im finding that harder to keep in touch with other friends as time goes on. I wish I could mulligan 5 years.
I guess I sound pretty depressed. I am upset, Im not depressed. I just feel warn out and ragged right now. Theres so much to do.
This period of my life right now is pivotal and so important. I need help right now to get this done, and no one on this physical world can do it except me. Give me the power to change and help myself.
I miss her. I miss her company, I miss her flirting with me. I miss giving her back rubs. I miss so much. Granted there is a bit that I dont miss but I guess shes learned either how to not do that to Jarred or what not from our bad experiences.
I have this concept to push harder when the chips down. The pain asociated with it is intoxicating to a certain extent. I dont care about me, I mean I do, but its a much darker concept. I feel more reckless in doing what I need to do to get done, be it dieting or what have you. It sucks to be a designer, it makes you point out your flaws and just focus on your flaws and not the good about you. Its hard. It makes you self concious, Im just hoping this year passes fast for some reason. I wish I could skip this part of my life. Well certain aspects any way. This is why I like Little Miss Sunshine and I aslo hate it. The movie discusses many thoughts and ideas of friedrich niche. Granted Im sure his ideas were loosely used to some extent, Dwayne Hoover seems to live by. Hes my favorite character due to his dedication and almost blind following of his dreams, nothing matters. Once Dwayne meets his ultimate rock bottom its that Steve Carrell mentions the fact that we learn most when we are in pain and suffering. This is not to say that I am suffering to a certain extent, but Im learning from this pain. Its making me hate myself and what I have become. I feel like a grunt now and its good. I have a goal, an objective. I dont care what I do to myself to get there, but I will. Its hard, you want to be distracted and such but you cant. You deni yourself as punishment but in return grow a step closer to what you need. Its like the cutting of a Hydra's head. You sever the head to only have two come back in its place. Yes I am sullen right now. Im not angry but I am sad, not hysterical, but serious. It sucks when you attend a college with beautiful ladies around you and you cant shake up the courage to talk to some one new and random. I miss falling in love. I miss having my heart skip a beat. SJE to a certain extent did and did not do that to me. I miss her because she is a good friend, and even though we are not dating, we are still friends. This is not to say that its not hard, its really hard. Its hard because she can say one thing and I miss her. I tried getting back with her on Christmas only to be denied. It hurt. I told her I missed her. I think I even began to fall in love with her. Funny how things happen when you dont want them to happen... it did or it seemed to begin.
I dont want to cut this out of my life though
These people are helping me through this, they are helping me forget. I hope we stay friends a long long time... Im finding that harder to keep in touch with other friends as time goes on. I wish I could mulligan 5 years.
I guess I sound pretty depressed. I am upset, Im not depressed. I just feel warn out and ragged right now. Theres so much to do.
This period of my life right now is pivotal and so important. I need help right now to get this done, and no one on this physical world can do it except me. Give me the power to change and help myself.