Dusting this shit off for once
I wonder if any one reads this shit any more. This feels really alien to me now as I havent written a post in some time now. I miss this though because it allowed for me to talk things out, get things off my chest, and I miss that. There was dedication and purpose to my posts and rantings. Things have changed soo much I dont know where to start. Everything is sooo different now, a feeling that I have come to despise and hate.
Come to think of it, theres a lot that i hate right now, things, feelings, and the likes, no people though. I guess if I were to wish for one thing right now, I would wish for the ability to motivate and force myself into doing the things that I need to do. I don't think we as a society place enough value on self control. I think it is amazing and awesome when I can get myself to do the exact thing that I want to do when I want it done, with the finesse and style that I desire. I hate myself for my inability to do that right now. To focus, to become obsessed to a certain point, to be to the brink of ocd, to be precise, to have detail, to have that feeling of ultimate control of myself. To have that guidance of what I want to do with myself but execute it like a studio project or my project car.
That starts now.
I will need to keep a log of it though. I need to see days pass where I have gotten closer to where I want to be, tic marks on a calender, like pieces of wood cut off one by one. To disect my situation to a T, break it down, restore that part, and be happy with it, much like a restoration of a car... cars are easier though, they dont get drunk or smoke or make bad choices, they simply are.
So lets break it down.
I am still single
I am still in school
I still have my two University jobs which are cool
The Ghia is coming along but slow albeit
Friends are sparse right now, and they will continue to be for a while, I like secluding myself, it makes me focus on what needs doing
I do not have a job for after college, many dont and lucky few do
I was NOT accepted to Graduate school, didn't kill me like I thought it would
I want to get in shape
I want to quit smoking eventually, one of these can happen, but not both at the same time
I want to enjoy this next football season
I want to meet new people
I want my car to be done and decent and drivable
Id like to meet a nice girl for once
I want to quit drinking and just be me, and not feel the need to drink to enjoy myself
I dont like bars that much
Thats a pretty basic breakdown of problems and wants.
I have a general design for me, I have analyzed myself, I know what I want, I just have not executed any of it yet.
This is really hard to write for some reason, things feel different now, but its a step that I want to take, I need and have to take.
I can not waste this summer. There is Sooooooooo much that needs doing. I can not waste another summer.
Just like this song, I feel like Im bringing a Knife to a gun fight against myself. I am my worst enemy, my strongest critic, my arch nemesis if you will, but the last person to help myself. I have the worst ability to compromise anything, like a dirty lawyer in court that allows myself to get away with anything when I am the judge, I am the verdict, I am the law, the lawyer wins me over, and I let myself get away with murder.
I need to be hard on myself, I need to beat myself to what I should be, what I am meant to be, not what I am now.
I hate the feeling of being weak against women, I really do. Not physically, but emotionally. Emotions are one of the weakest things about me. I some what want to be jaded and hard, harsh, tooo fair, give you enough rope to hang yourself with. Not mean though, not an ass hole, just some one who has their shit wired and tacked down. Not easily won over or pushed aside, confident, maybe a little arrogant, but not a douche.
I used to have angst in life. Anger is one of my most motivating emotions, its almost the only one. Then again I also have an obsession with something I am passionate about. I love throwing myself at something, sleep, energy, the need for food, all aside. Doing it to the fullest, like pulling 6 all nighters back to back to prove a point. Its weird, its probably even fucked up, but when I am all in on something, there is nothing that can touch me, it is my feeling of invincibility.
I guess I didnt feel like going into that much depth about me but there you go.
I need to read my bible, I really need too, it will help with things. Its just that whole thing again. Its me against myself.
I feel like Im pushing against myself in a mirror, the harder I push, the harder it pushes back. I need a glass hammer.
Come to think of it, theres a lot that i hate right now, things, feelings, and the likes, no people though. I guess if I were to wish for one thing right now, I would wish for the ability to motivate and force myself into doing the things that I need to do. I don't think we as a society place enough value on self control. I think it is amazing and awesome when I can get myself to do the exact thing that I want to do when I want it done, with the finesse and style that I desire. I hate myself for my inability to do that right now. To focus, to become obsessed to a certain point, to be to the brink of ocd, to be precise, to have detail, to have that feeling of ultimate control of myself. To have that guidance of what I want to do with myself but execute it like a studio project or my project car.
That starts now.
I will need to keep a log of it though. I need to see days pass where I have gotten closer to where I want to be, tic marks on a calender, like pieces of wood cut off one by one. To disect my situation to a T, break it down, restore that part, and be happy with it, much like a restoration of a car... cars are easier though, they dont get drunk or smoke or make bad choices, they simply are.
So lets break it down.
I am still single
I am still in school
I still have my two University jobs which are cool
The Ghia is coming along but slow albeit
Friends are sparse right now, and they will continue to be for a while, I like secluding myself, it makes me focus on what needs doing
I do not have a job for after college, many dont and lucky few do
I was NOT accepted to Graduate school, didn't kill me like I thought it would
I want to get in shape
I want to quit smoking eventually, one of these can happen, but not both at the same time
I want to enjoy this next football season
I want to meet new people
I want my car to be done and decent and drivable
Id like to meet a nice girl for once
I want to quit drinking and just be me, and not feel the need to drink to enjoy myself
I dont like bars that much
Thats a pretty basic breakdown of problems and wants.
I have a general design for me, I have analyzed myself, I know what I want, I just have not executed any of it yet.
This is really hard to write for some reason, things feel different now, but its a step that I want to take, I need and have to take.
I can not waste this summer. There is Sooooooooo much that needs doing. I can not waste another summer.
Just like this song, I feel like Im bringing a Knife to a gun fight against myself. I am my worst enemy, my strongest critic, my arch nemesis if you will, but the last person to help myself. I have the worst ability to compromise anything, like a dirty lawyer in court that allows myself to get away with anything when I am the judge, I am the verdict, I am the law, the lawyer wins me over, and I let myself get away with murder.
I need to be hard on myself, I need to beat myself to what I should be, what I am meant to be, not what I am now.
I hate the feeling of being weak against women, I really do. Not physically, but emotionally. Emotions are one of the weakest things about me. I some what want to be jaded and hard, harsh, tooo fair, give you enough rope to hang yourself with. Not mean though, not an ass hole, just some one who has their shit wired and tacked down. Not easily won over or pushed aside, confident, maybe a little arrogant, but not a douche.
I used to have angst in life. Anger is one of my most motivating emotions, its almost the only one. Then again I also have an obsession with something I am passionate about. I love throwing myself at something, sleep, energy, the need for food, all aside. Doing it to the fullest, like pulling 6 all nighters back to back to prove a point. Its weird, its probably even fucked up, but when I am all in on something, there is nothing that can touch me, it is my feeling of invincibility.
I guess I didnt feel like going into that much depth about me but there you go.
I need to read my bible, I really need too, it will help with things. Its just that whole thing again. Its me against myself.
I feel like Im pushing against myself in a mirror, the harder I push, the harder it pushes back. I need a glass hammer.