It saddens me...
To see the long line of hate and ill will I have for myself over the years. I don't think I'll ever be secure and that saddens me. People say the older you get the more you change. I can tell you I haven't changed one damn bit. I still can't handle my depression, I can't handle Nic's exs, I can't handle always feeling like I'm not good enough, will never be good enough, and that's just they way things are. I have to admit the DBT does help and my therapist does help me but this shit in ingrained for years in my head. "You're not (fill in the blank) enough." And now I'm overweight. I feel like the ugly ducking only, I was ugly, became pretty and got ugly again. I never feel good enough and I'm so insecure it's pathetic.
Another thing is I bust my ass in my relationship with Nic but he gives very little. I'm always breaking my neck doing stuff for him and he never shows any interest or really anything in return. He say's he has emotions but he has to be the least emotional person I know. I watch all these other interactions with women and their husbands or boyfriends or whatever and it's totally different of what Nic and I have. I even told my therapist that if I didn't care so much and didn't love obsessively this marriage would have been long over. So in a way I guess my illness can be a good thing in that I don't give up, am stubborn, and love so deeply that even the shitty stuff doesn't stop me from loving Nic.
I just sometimes wish it wasn't me dying on the inside.
Another thing is I bust my ass in my relationship with Nic but he gives very little. I'm always breaking my neck doing stuff for him and he never shows any interest or really anything in return. He say's he has emotions but he has to be the least emotional person I know. I watch all these other interactions with women and their husbands or boyfriends or whatever and it's totally different of what Nic and I have. I even told my therapist that if I didn't care so much and didn't love obsessively this marriage would have been long over. So in a way I guess my illness can be a good thing in that I don't give up, am stubborn, and love so deeply that even the shitty stuff doesn't stop me from loving Nic.
I just sometimes wish it wasn't me dying on the inside.