The Dawn Of A New And Better Life
When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fuckin special
She's running out again...
She's running out, she runs, runs, runs, runs... runs...
Radiohead: Creep
It's apparently obvious what this journal has always been as I scroll back across the two years of it's existance.
It's been a Trail of Tears for the most part from a lonely man unwilling to accept the ghosts of his past or his current present.
Since coming to LJ back in Christmas of 03, it's been a place to channel my frustrations and my lonliness.
These last two years have been rough for me on many levels physical and mental/emotional.
I've seen, done, and experienced so much since high school, that the boy I was seems only vaguly(sp) familiar to the man I am today
I don't think I truly started to mature until I was 17, but then that was just the beginning.
In those three years I've learned how to love, how to lose, and how to hold on and appreciate the things that are dearest to you.
The person I was before was a just a sweet but cluess kid unaware of what was awaiting him.
Got treated like a chump as an older man
Mixin' rock with the funk as an older man
Learned what a girl was as an older man
Now i know how to love as an older man
But i'm still a big kid as an older man
And i'de much rather give as an older man
Still i'm singin' in the rain as an older man
Ain't nothin' gonna change as an older man
~Limp Bizkit: Almost Over
I said earlier that I could not accept the "ghosts of his past or his present"
I'm sure I've stated quite a few time my disgust at my military life.
The way it runs,the people in and running it, and the sacrifices it requires of you.
I've also dwelled and lingered on a woman I have not been together with in two years
About the same time I started the journal.
My whole outlook on things changed once I went to California.
Once I had returned from Iraq, I had almost come to accept my job for what it is.
Then when I did SASO training in Calli, I grew to even like it.
Not because SASO was easy, but because I had made a turn and found myself familiar with where I now was.
It's safe to say now with reverting back to the old ways on base that the familiarty is still there.
I am content, and proud now to be a United States Marine.
I still look foward to the day my enlistment ends, but I no longer despise or regret the decision I made.
It was also in California that I was finally rid of my lonliness.
I met a girl named Samantha, and grew to like her not because I was lonely, but I was generally intrigued and interested in her.
Although it took time for me to show my feelings towards her, it was like a new familiar warmth was wrapping itself inside my cold body.
For the first time since the summer after graduating... I was happy with who I was and who I was with.
Samantha was never 2nd to Tiffany in my mind, she was the start, and the 1st of something brand new.
Although it had to end due to the distance between us, she helped me to move on, and not be lonely anymore.
Never seen the sunshine
From higher points than sunrise
I don't wanna be lonely
I just wanna be alone
~Silverchair: Across The Night
It was after that I could feel I could be single, and not lonely.
I no longer had to rely on being with someone, or with someone I couldn't be with
If a chance came up to date another again, and if it felt right I'd go for it.
I thought of it as a nice bonus, but not a requirement.
I have found someone recently, even though I wasn't expecting it, it happened all the same.
It has only been two weeks, but we've shared a few days together, and we keep in touch through AIM or by phone everyday.
Normally I would not date a 17 yr old at this point in my life, but I have made an exception for her.
She is mature for other women her age, and is wise beyond her years.
I've come under fire by some of my friends on the age difference,
but she has dealt with a long distance 2yr relationship easily before, and I've verified that with her mum.
We are relaxed and comfortable around each other and there is a undeniable chemistry that I cannont ignore,
We also we share many of the same views and dreams on life.
With everything working out as it should be I see no reason to break this off and than suffer a what if scenario.
(Tiffany, I know what you're going to say, and I've heard it, so there's no reason to comment on this).