(no subject)

[bloodyrosepetal]

YA know i just read a very brave girls journal... Shes alot like me it seems... It seemed every one at her site had the same thing in common. "PAIN" It also occured to me that i have been holding a grudge for a long time on a certain some one that i no longer have the energy to bother with so my "grudge" has been "lifted". Any ways i havent been here in so long because i have been palnning for this hopefully stellar party.... i have to admit though as wrapped up in this shit as i can allow myself to get underneath it all i still feel the heartfelt pain. Its this lingering pain that just wont go away i have to admit its comforting to know a part of my life may never change but its the change that causes such emptiness that i want to bad. I hold my life out in the opened some times and wait for it to just leap. But it never does it seems to crawl backwards in to my dirty hands and shiver.. I get it its cause im a punk i just punk out all the time... and i can do that... things havent been hard though its hard to get myself going to do things. Its hard to wake up every mornign and for that split moment nothing is hurting you have a kind of a peace until you remember what you dreampt about. And you remember why you dreampt it. I dream about him every night the ending is always a hapyp one its the waking up part that hurts so bad i guess. Things are always happy and it usually ends with a fairy tale ending kiss.. but then as i said i wake up... killer every time. It hurts pretty bad. I think about the love i have and how much he means to me yet know in the back of my head im not a spec of dust upon the lens of his glasses. Let me refrain it hurts. I think hey this guy over here likes me and this guy has asked me out and why dont i go out with them? because i know my love is true for some one else not just some thing you can degrade to a crush... The only pain that hurts more than living with out his love is pretending to love some one else more than i love him. This could make for a lonely life unless miraculously he turns his beautiful face from the pain and trys to feel what i feel. Although i know its too much to ask... how do you tell some one to love you? how do you ask that of any one? you cant. Its too much and not some thing i can ask from some one that i love so deeply and i do repent i have thought of asking him to just try it but i cant bear the thought of how pathetic it'd make me seem to him. Hes not one for patheticness. And frankly im not pathetic I am a strong woman, i always was even in my weakest moments i got through them all becasue i was strong... i continued on with my life when i had to leave the most loved of it behind. That wasnt because i quit or gave up it was because i was strong... Though i guess it could be seen both ways... the days i have spent cutting and banging and scratching AND YA KNOW WHAT IM HERE!!!! it amazes me that im here actually...

Which [Finding Nemo] characters are you?
i took that quiz whilei was thinking of more to write im gonna go take another one really quick...

Which [Seven Dwarfs] are you?
yeah so any ways im still here! I dont know that i necessarily deserve credit but i dunno im just so depressed today... and misssing my friend