why
why do i feel the need to write. to communicate ideas.. why do i feel the need to rhetorically communicate the idea of why i want to communicate ideas? seems egotistical.. im trying to be so honest, about how i want people to like me because of something i can say.. and here i am saying all of that.. i feel so confused, yet so enlightened.. like i have been physically stupified, but im still touching on deeper and deeper truthes.. but they become false fantasys when i lack the ability to go back and communicate it properly. i cant keep up withmyself.. but this feels right.. its pouring out, coming through easier now.. but how long will it last? how long will i be able to hold onto reason.. sanity.. is it possible to constantly remain in the curious??? to constantly be seeking an answers, and constructivly? or is it all in vain.. all for glamour and social acceptance... no one listens to me.. no one ever really did.. well they did.. but they refuse to respond directly.. to acknowledge any of it. so here i am, boo hooing about how no one listens to me boo hoo.. well ill be the strong voice that people refuse to speak to me.. ill be my own opposistion.. my own source of debate, and reason.. i dont need to share my thoughts.. i dont need reasurance.. although.. here i am, still babbling about babbling.. still trying to convince you that i dont need to convince anyone of anything.. its like im switchign between compassion, and apathy... desiring to save the world, tell them how its done, to not caring if no one knows how i lived.. how i thought and felt.. i want my enemys to know.. i want the indifferent others to understand, who i was, how i reacted.. what choices i made.. i dont want to be forgotten.. i guess i have the same fears as every other person on this earth. make the biggest impressiona as possible.. gain the most power over anyone.. so if i know that its so wrong, why am i going on?? why do i keep asking why am i going on, despite knowing its corny and futile??? i feel it.. i desire to seem intelligent.. enlightened.. like i have the biggest heart and smartest brain.. and especially so because of how im trying to admit it all, modestly.. but i cant escape it.. what if i really am intelligent??? am i not allowed to prove it? to share??? what if all i want to do is inspire other people to do that same.. to find a way to surf the moment, despite what difficultys we supposidly face.. to find power within the self, despite all the stereotypes, and automatically believed things about our reality.. what we believe limits us.. i dont care what happens to me.. i will hold onto my reasoning.. i will not lose the ability to find life facinating, to learn and think.. to observe every moment in a worthwhile way..... i feel like i dont need to say anymore.. i dont want to confuse anyone.. and i feel like i may be going off on one of my... umm i dont even know what to call it.. rants... but its been awhile, and it feels good to just spit things out.. to see my thoughts infront of me, and to know others might just read them. to be able to accurately revise my thoughts, analyze them, and see if they require change.. and yeah i think some of these ideas do.. but ima ble to accept that it doesnt ahve to be perfect.. that i can continue on, despite a typo.. and touch on another thought, in another moment.. before it fades and is forgotten.. yeah.. it feels good. so good, that this is done.