sometimes..
i have the desire to say beautiful words. deep, insightful, worthwhile words. something thats actually important, or worth something to someone. not worth money.. but worth.. understanding, or comfort. i dont wanna lie.. i wanna say it how it is.. and really well. i wanna touch people deep inside.. give them hope.. or maybe this is all bullshit, and its all in vain. this is just for vanity.. my ego saying "accept me, love me".. because of some fearful, egotistical, prideful desire. truth be told, what im really getting at is.. i dont feel well. i know something is going wrong within me. something that seems pretty serious. something no one would want to happen to themselves unless they are truely suicidal. and truth be told.. i dont think im as scared as i should be. and i also dont think im suicidal at all.. for someone whos told people how important it is to not take a moment for granted.. that things can always get better.. i feel like i could go without kicking or screaming.. without taking anyone with me, even if i knew for a fact that it was their cruel intention. i dont care if it was someones choice that im feeling the way i do.. im not mad at anyone.. well ill admit, i am kinda mildly dissapointed.. that they dont feel guilt.. that they have no remorse, and are unforgiving jerks.. and let me tell ya.. i have had some fucked up paranoia in my day.. im a tad too creative.. and perhaps, a victim of my own device. the creator of the strategy to remove me. i could of manifested this.. weither its completely mental, or just physical, someones intention, or just chance.. i just feel like ive already accepted it..
maybe its just my time. i dont know what comes after this, if theres a heaven or hell or which im going to.. i do know whats here now, and thats all i know.. and id love to stay here as long as possible, even if i was a normal erson... but i feel like, even if i live to be 132.. ill still be thinking, thats it??? the rides over??? ill still be trying so hard to look back into my memorys to make the most of my experience here in existence, and ill still be looking forward to something more to experience.. id feel exatly as i would today, if i knew i was going to die.. and in that, it makes me feel like i can accept it. like thats why im not afraid to die.
i mean.. when i think about the infinite possiblitys.. the universe must have some way or REASON or another of keeping a part of me alive, like my consciousness, after my body dies.. some how, some where.. and for a good reason. i mean why are we here??? WHY DID THE EARTH EVOLVE TO HAVE LIFE EVOLVE AND GROW ON IT?!? what purpose does it ultimately add up to??? i mean thats what evolution is about right??? things need to survive, so they constnatly change to stay alive.. BUT WHY??? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS ALL WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT?? are all these trees and critters that eat each other, substantial to this rocks existence, or survival?? whats this rocks purpose to the rest of existence?? what is it ultimately trying to achieve.. what does this rock need with us? or was it just a fluke.. some little organsm came into existense for no particualr reason, and just kept changing... we are born, we die.. nothing means anything.. no ones listening, nothing comes after, we fade away into something else that doesnt know what it was before... but like i said before.. nothing is chaotic.. ive shared so many deep, freakish connections with people and life.. that i know it means something.. now matter how much of my brain dies, i must always remember that there is meaning in this all.. there has to be, otherwise none of it would exist.. it all reminds me of that dream i had after praying to life, to god, to aliens, to anything for an answer in my dreams... and it gave me a vision where i got shot in the head.. he may have blown my brains out.. but i didnt just vanish into nothing.. i didnt wake up.. i put my arm around him and forgave him.. and then someone took me "home"... where a ton of naked, not so shy girls, awaited me in the morning sunlight with food and stuff.. which is kinda cool. i used to think.. people only had faith in god or an afterlife cuz of their immautre fears.. their inability to accept that we die.. that people are jsut greedy and want more and more.. to live forever and feel good forever... but.. like ive repeated so many times.. there is something bigger than us, its not chaotic either.. there is meaning in life, if you pay attention.. and its being communicated to us daily.. there is a pattern.. i just know it.. im not crazy.. im not stupid.. and im not afraid.. and for the record, im especially not a bad guy..
these words dont feel so beautiful to me.. they kinda feel confusing.. i sense contradiction.. like im leaving a lot out. and its just poorly worded. but maybe, just maybe.. you found something in this whole mess of text, that was worth something. that the inspiring goodness, outweighed the negative egotistical dumb shit.
maybe its just my time. i dont know what comes after this, if theres a heaven or hell or which im going to.. i do know whats here now, and thats all i know.. and id love to stay here as long as possible, even if i was a normal erson... but i feel like, even if i live to be 132.. ill still be thinking, thats it??? the rides over??? ill still be trying so hard to look back into my memorys to make the most of my experience here in existence, and ill still be looking forward to something more to experience.. id feel exatly as i would today, if i knew i was going to die.. and in that, it makes me feel like i can accept it. like thats why im not afraid to die.
i mean.. when i think about the infinite possiblitys.. the universe must have some way or REASON or another of keeping a part of me alive, like my consciousness, after my body dies.. some how, some where.. and for a good reason. i mean why are we here??? WHY DID THE EARTH EVOLVE TO HAVE LIFE EVOLVE AND GROW ON IT?!? what purpose does it ultimately add up to??? i mean thats what evolution is about right??? things need to survive, so they constnatly change to stay alive.. BUT WHY??? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS ALL WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT?? are all these trees and critters that eat each other, substantial to this rocks existence, or survival?? whats this rocks purpose to the rest of existence?? what is it ultimately trying to achieve.. what does this rock need with us? or was it just a fluke.. some little organsm came into existense for no particualr reason, and just kept changing... we are born, we die.. nothing means anything.. no ones listening, nothing comes after, we fade away into something else that doesnt know what it was before... but like i said before.. nothing is chaotic.. ive shared so many deep, freakish connections with people and life.. that i know it means something.. now matter how much of my brain dies, i must always remember that there is meaning in this all.. there has to be, otherwise none of it would exist.. it all reminds me of that dream i had after praying to life, to god, to aliens, to anything for an answer in my dreams... and it gave me a vision where i got shot in the head.. he may have blown my brains out.. but i didnt just vanish into nothing.. i didnt wake up.. i put my arm around him and forgave him.. and then someone took me "home"... where a ton of naked, not so shy girls, awaited me in the morning sunlight with food and stuff.. which is kinda cool. i used to think.. people only had faith in god or an afterlife cuz of their immautre fears.. their inability to accept that we die.. that people are jsut greedy and want more and more.. to live forever and feel good forever... but.. like ive repeated so many times.. there is something bigger than us, its not chaotic either.. there is meaning in life, if you pay attention.. and its being communicated to us daily.. there is a pattern.. i just know it.. im not crazy.. im not stupid.. and im not afraid.. and for the record, im especially not a bad guy..
these words dont feel so beautiful to me.. they kinda feel confusing.. i sense contradiction.. like im leaving a lot out. and its just poorly worded. but maybe, just maybe.. you found something in this whole mess of text, that was worth something. that the inspiring goodness, outweighed the negative egotistical dumb shit.