stress
i believe, having a job, and going to school, is more stressful, then not doing either. but thats just my opinion.. what im REALLY getting at is, there are many things that cause stress. love.. oh indeed, love and stress have a lot in common.. different sensations, but sensations none the less, and, induced by very similar reasons. and i dont like the stress so much.. i mean i know its a package deal but.. ugh i wish things werent so degrading.. i dont like my girl seeing me stressed, i dont want her to think its her fault or something.. but theres always something thta happens, or is said, SEEMINGLY INNOCENT, that stresses me out... watching the first clerks was the worst thing thats happened to me lately.. THAT PART IS HAUNTING ME.. UGHHHHHH. oh my goodness, I DONT EVEN WANT TO EXPLAIN TI AT ALL.. its embarassing, and gross, and ughhh the envy and uncertainty.. who were they? were they better than me? did they have something umm more to offer? does she think about them when im giving it to her? why do i get this really insecure impression, that my lover sometimes despises me.. or doesnt believe in me at all, no matter what im talking about. like.. why would she be with me then? if she thinks i dont even like girls? its so confusing. but no matter what i just hold her tight, in worry that she'll just blow away in the wind.. i just feel like she thinks im not good enough, not providing enough, not attractive enough.. just stupid shallow shit. and it hurts a lot.. and i really dont want to leave her, or have her leave me.. but i dont want to be with her if im just bringing her down, because that makes me all sad, but if i leave her.. ill be all sad too... thats what i meant in the last entry about seeing both sides of a situation. its just.. UGH im tired of thinking about sex. why is it such a primary focus. IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT.. and i hate to think thats all she wants. but at the same i wonder.. what if thats the only true love? the love thats a lie is the one where your body feels like its having sex all inside, when we arent.. because of the fantasy/LIE spawned from whats only infront of our eyes. ugh it drives me mad.. because if its all about sex to her, she could find a million other dicks. but its not all about sex to me.. at all. so im not going to go off and get some vag or something if she dumps me, because then i will become what made me so sad. someone out for one thing, without any real, genuine cares for anything deeper. and i just know, all of this was better off unsaid.. but its been awhile.. and like i said, a lot has been on my mind.. and thats just a fraction of it.. but dont misudnerstand my context.. these are my worrys, not anger or hate. ireally do love her, and i worry so much about loosing her. i get so flustered thinking about who came before, and whos TRYING to come after.. and im not sure if some of these fellas that i think are tryign to come after, already came before at some point, and are back again.. UGHHH. MOTHER FUCKERS ILL EAT YOUR THROAT. just things i know i gotta grow up and accept, and thats life. no matter who i find, or when.. they could tell me something so much more bothersome, and it will bother me less! atleast i hope.. i just dont know anymore.. i feel like someone who understands, but is loosing that understanding.. amongst people that never understood to begin with.. this all sounds pathetic i know.. i bet you sense some contradiction and irony.. i say i feel like she thinks im not good enough, but aling with it, im also giving the impression that i dont think shes good enough.. and im the modest, righteous good guy with a heart of gold... but thats exactly the predicament ive been trying to explain from the beginning.. uncertaintys. ugh i love her. shes the only person that i can look in the eye.. for more than 1 second.. for like minutes on end. i dont care what anyone thinks about her in anyway. i love her a lot. and this world seems like its been going mad for a long time.. and im scared for it. and i dont want to be alone when it ends, or when things get ugly.. or for that matter, when things maybe get really fucking amazing? yeah.. thats more optimistic... just dont misunderstand me peoples.. not like you really care about my personal life. its just.. maybe you can relate? im sure you do.. some of you atleast. im just saying all this because i figure if i post it on the nets to people that dont give a shit about me.. its like toss it to the wind, i can like "get it off my chest".. but lord knows all these thoughts will cross my mind again... and again.. and again. including the thought, "you didnt explain any of that well, you shouldnt have even tried, they arent going to udnerstand how you feel at all.. these people dont even like you, they take pleasure in making you sad, youre a terrible writter, and youre loosing your touch.. well this ending is pretty good, its your style.. but still, you know that no ones going to truely understand or care right?"