i mean..
so what if someone thats supposed to love you, talks about you as if you were a laughable enemy that wasnt a threat.. then lies to cover it up. indirect insults that when asked about.. are obviously, and badly lied about. i cant stand it. when your lover indirectly makes fun of you for feeling emotions in a relationship... it really fucks with yoru mind. like i have no intentions on striking a lady.. but sometimes my imagination makes me feel like cleaning a girls clock would be suitable in some situations. but no, what am i saying.. i dont even want to give anyone the impression that i want to do such a thing... but i honestly admit.. the feeling has been there. people say such terrible things.. i dont know what they are trying to achieve... and no matter what.. i feel like things arent working out right.. but that they are building into something ultimately good.. its just not at the moment.. and might not be for a while.. i just gotta tough it out and uhhh survive. but its so hard to keep buying that excuse. its like.. half way.. all my dreams hav ecome true.. but at the same time.. an equal hell is tied to it.. and its confusing the shit ouf of me.. i worry abou tmy girlfriend still liking her old boyfriend or someon else.. but then i catch myself being reminded of my first girlfriend, as if i still like her.. then some other girl and some other boyfriend.. all this hypocrisy in everyone around me, and especially myself... all the trash talking, all the drama.. all the hateful voices. all the unfulfilling dreams come true.. i cant stand it.. i feel bad for even expressing everything i just said.. like i should just delete it and pretend like its all nothing.. but ive said all of this for a reason... i am troubled, epsecially because i feel like no one cares that i am... my journal has become quiet lately.. but my crackhead contemplations have yet to cease. the comfort and suffering, confusion and understanding are still very much in my daily life. but i feel like.. no one cares.. and even if they did, genuinely.. they wouldnt truely understand at all!!! so whats the use? my perspective is mine, because im the one thats lived the moments of my life.. UGH UGH UGh... all i need to do now is pretend like im praying to some ultimate power, and that he willgrant my hearts wishes because it loves me.... yeeeeeeeeah.... ill just try to accept the fact that not everyone can have it their way.