Fear
I fear for my own life some times. I'm not worried about what people might do to me. I'm worried about what my mind will do to me. Remembering things I don't want to remember. I think I really should have stayed and finished my treatment. Gotten rid of all this shit. I was able to get rid of my big pain/fear. The stuff about my Dad, but not the
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Author: demonsreiche (at LiveJournal.com)
Written: July 12th, 2005
(as Augusta Elamenim)
Some nights when the moon is full, I just like to go running. For me, running as the wolf is the same as running as plain ol' me: it is the freedom of it that keeps my heart pumping and the lungs full of wind. It is the feeling of being secure in my surroundings and not having to be afraid of what people think of me - of what I think of me. Since I found out what I was, and my place in the Cycle Of Things, I seem to have more questions than answers. Sure, it is the same way with everyone growing up, but I doubt most of them were busy picking chicken pieces out of their teeth with a toothpick one night and spitting out hairballs with rabbit fur the next.
I don't remember much of my first night running as the wolf, but I do recall the next day. I was naked, as a human, in front of a lake. Now, I'd never been around this area, and I had no idea who might be around. Took a dip in the lake anyway, trying to wash some of the dirt and soot off of me. Oh, that was SO not a good idea. That lake was colder than California's patented "dick-withering stare," and I've seen it in action. (Her stare, not the lake.) Was so cold, even now it gives me the chills. Anyway, my first thoughts were that I had no idea how to find my way home. Within moments, the rest of my hunting pack was there, holding up some clothes for me to change into. I didn't even out any words, I was chattering up my teeth so bad.
When I first met Tophet, I had a whole host of possibilities spread themselves out before me. I cannot admit to all of them, even now. For the first time in ages, I found myself wanting to trust a boy. I never, NEVER trust boys. Even the elders I know I can't place all my faith in if they are male. These are people who we are supposed to be able to die for blindly if they tell us to, and I could... but I could never trust them. Yes, here's this tall drink of chocolate milk with Kahlua just strolling through my life, and I could see myself curling up on his lap and letting him rock me to sleep. Like, what the fuck is THAT shit? Okay, my eyes were kind of focused on his smile and his... his... damn, I can't admit to that EITHER now! (I can feel myself blushing a rockshatterin' storm here.)
California - now there is a mystery in and of herself. Sure, she LOOKS younger than Tophet, but that doesn't mean anything - and Tophet and me both know it. Still, Tophet says he has no idea how old she truly is, and doesn't want to find out. Given the fact Tophet's been a changed dude since his stints in New York City and Seattle, I don't think I want to press further. California I THINK is her real name, as she's never answered to anything else around me. That, or she's been using it for so long she doesn't need the name she was born with. I've known a few people on the street like that, but with California it's something different. I know she's a vampire, but she doesn't give off the same vibes I get when dealing with her kind, either. Then again, most vampires don't try to look down my top when they are talking with me after they find out what I am.
One of the largest mysteries I have run into since meeting Tophet - because it really is all his fault - is his good friend Olena. Even moreso than Livanya (who is a topic all to herself), I want to know what she's all about. Livanya I know there is something different about, because I can "feel" it. Olena is more like Tophet - involved in things beyond her power because of fate. Thing is, Tophet is going through life in the shadows completely blind. Olena seems to have found a freakin' "road map" when it comes to the realm behind the curtains of traditional reality. (Bitch... I never got a goddamned roadmap.) Livanya and Olena have a lot of things in common, but I couldn't see myself jumping Olena's bones for some hot and sweaty sex. Then again, I can't see myself asking Livanya for help on discovering who my ancestors were.
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Yep, yep.
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Author: demonsreiche (at LiveJournal.com)
Written: August 24th, 2005
(as Augusta Elamenim)
I can hear him now
singing to himself
inside of my shower
within my domain
and the last thing I want
is to touch him
to kiss him
to hold him close
and make him mine
I can feel him
as he steps clear of the doors
as he stands quietly
watching me in silence
as I look at the moon
beautiful and bursting
sinking her glory into me
through my spotless window
stretching upwards
fangs unleashed
in my own full glory
with none watching
but him
as I turn towards him
he does not quail
nor try to run
he just sighs slightly
the fear in his blood
turning frost to flame
creating angst in my angel
but he does not turn
does he rest upon my couch
still watching me
waiting for something
but what I cannot know
for he'll never tell me
being what I am
I can smell him
terror making him sweat
familiarity breeds false
never comfortable in his skin
would he be still
not willing to shed it
to run naked through forests
and swim through cold streams
in order to feel alive
for he is of the city
and the city loves him
though she will never tell him
in so many words
but he is alive
where most would have died
and that is love
in its purest form
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I never know what to say.
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