(no subject)
Oh! You again! Guess it's been a while, huh?
Here's a bit of an update: job hunting and quickly realizing that I'd much rather work for some place awesome (i.e. H+H) rather than some place stinky where I have to avoid wearing jeans. I just want to immerse myself more and more amongst the people I've come to like in Sense, PP, MK etc. They're all so lovely. I'm just not particularly qualified for anything. Oh QC, why do you require that I be a perma rez to take your super cheap french courses?
And L's got a crush. A serious one, where there's kissing and dates until wee hours of the morning. Eventually it will probably be something more. I guess it doesn't help that it's a mutual crush with someone known well in the community as hotness themselves, who intimidated the socks off me from my first year here and still does. We talk a lot about our 'ship and not wanting it to fall apart, trust, and love, and knowing that in the future, we'd like to have a family together. There is security in all those things we say. So much tenderness and love from L when she sees me terrified of this crush situation. I also know this is the right decision. She needs to feel free to act on these feelings, because they would otherwise fester, maybe grow, and cause resentment towards me. I know I am taking the high road.
Even with all this knowledge, my heart can't help cowering. My body needs to hide in itself and eventually I open up again to her, but more to maintain our relationship and continue along. Acting ok, eventually makes me feel ok, but when we're apart, the acting disappears and I am no longer secure. I hate to feel needy like this. Questioning myself as clinging on to someone who needs space. I hate to demand that she calls when she's out late at night, when I know the desire stems from wanting to know if she's alive.
I cannot help telling myself: I have done this before! Why is this time any different? I've been on so many facets of polyism that I thought I had all the bases covered. Sure, none of the situations made me feel consistently great, but I was more able to tackle it. I wish I had the strength in myself to not fear.
Here's a bit of an update: job hunting and quickly realizing that I'd much rather work for some place awesome (i.e. H+H) rather than some place stinky where I have to avoid wearing jeans. I just want to immerse myself more and more amongst the people I've come to like in Sense, PP, MK etc. They're all so lovely. I'm just not particularly qualified for anything. Oh QC, why do you require that I be a perma rez to take your super cheap french courses?
And L's got a crush. A serious one, where there's kissing and dates until wee hours of the morning. Eventually it will probably be something more. I guess it doesn't help that it's a mutual crush with someone known well in the community as hotness themselves, who intimidated the socks off me from my first year here and still does. We talk a lot about our 'ship and not wanting it to fall apart, trust, and love, and knowing that in the future, we'd like to have a family together. There is security in all those things we say. So much tenderness and love from L when she sees me terrified of this crush situation. I also know this is the right decision. She needs to feel free to act on these feelings, because they would otherwise fester, maybe grow, and cause resentment towards me. I know I am taking the high road.
Even with all this knowledge, my heart can't help cowering. My body needs to hide in itself and eventually I open up again to her, but more to maintain our relationship and continue along. Acting ok, eventually makes me feel ok, but when we're apart, the acting disappears and I am no longer secure. I hate to feel needy like this. Questioning myself as clinging on to someone who needs space. I hate to demand that she calls when she's out late at night, when I know the desire stems from wanting to know if she's alive.
I cannot help telling myself: I have done this before! Why is this time any different? I've been on so many facets of polyism that I thought I had all the bases covered. Sure, none of the situations made me feel consistently great, but I was more able to tackle it. I wish I had the strength in myself to not fear.