(no subject)
And the worst part is, I feel guilty for being yelled at by you. you think I don't understand. that my tears were crocodile in nature. fuck you. you don't know where I am and where i'd gone to be with you. you don't understand what i've been through in two weeks. in two weeks I've given more knowledge of myself over to someone, more than you ever bothered to ask me about. and she cares. not that you didn't or don't. i know you do. and i miss the understanding we have with each other. we had a great relationship. i just know that going back to it now, that is wrong. maybe in the future we will still be able to read each other like angry and soulful lovers. but right now I'm ok with moving on and I wish you were as well.
i'd also like to tell you that the last night was not ok. that i was not there. that kissing you in the morning was wrong and felt dirty. that i did think of her and that no matter how hard you fucked me I still would have. i dont think you ever understood the meaning of my sluttiness. the meaning of my body. i dont think anybody did. no one ever took it seriously. even when i said that it was not ok. so i stopped saying it wasn't. i stopped telling my family and friends because i couldn't do the deed justice in telling and no one bothered enough to ask me, to probe and find out until she came along and asked. she just asked. she could tell from my language, my intonations, my behavior and she asked me. she let me break down my understanding of myself and i saw that it was wrong for me to give and give unwillingly. I can name the people who have touched me in inappropriate and outrightly unwanted ways. the people to whom i have actually said no don't. and they still did until i capitulated, let down the drawbridge into my body and vacated the premises of troops. my being left my body to be violated. most frequently it wasn't sex. but what does that matter. the fact that it happened at all should make me angry. i've just sucked it up so deep inside in guilt that i can't being it out anymore as anger.
how is it that i can think of someone's actions like that and blame myself? I guess i blame my own body, really. ive learned over the years that it speaks its own language. i think it oozes sexual desire without my own realization sometimes and very frequently with my own realization. but fuck it man. at 9 years old how much sexual realization could i have had really? fuck. and i still sat in the bathtub crying and wanting my parents to avenge me. like some princess i wanted them to avenge my honor, but they didn't. i can't blame them for it. most likely they probably didn't know what to do with the knowledge. with the experience. how does an immigrant approach a 10 year ol' boy and tell him that his hands don't belong there? The irony is that now, he is gay.
after a while i learned to just capitulate at the slightest sign of interest. why bother fighting someone if in the end they'll win you over anyway? I become more and more disrespectful towards my boundaries. in fact i didn't have any at all. want to fuck me? just let me remove my body off the shelf for you. and it wasn't all wimpy and giving. a good portion became a notch on the old bedpost. i counted. i enjoyed the attention. i still do. who doesn't like to be fawned over. i think thats what I was trying to say over a year ago when i wrote about the things people dont know about me. i like admiration but i dont like to follow through on it because giving myself to you should not be necessary. however when the pressure mounts to follow through, the pressure either internal or external, either myself feeling responsible and somehow needing to follow through or other people pushing their luck, i would let my body be goods for the taking and having. ravish me. go ahead. just ignore my emotions like im so good at doing. so when people would grab at me, when A grabbed and wouldn't let go stating that she knew all about me. she knew what i was all about, but that it was ok. that she just wanted to fuck me and having a relationship was not on her agenda. I did not want to, but I yelled at her saying finei'llfuckyoujustletmedealwiththeshitgoingonrightnow. I really gave up then.
it never happened. i told her that her actions were not ok. she apologized. but i stayed in that mind frame about myself. and it became a habit. i dont want to make anyone feel like they somehow did bad things to me. Most of the sexual encounters ive had have been very welcome. in fact i sometimes surprise myself with how i can still enjoy sex so much although i clearly have had a bad history with my own body. its a rare instance in which it was undesired, but it has clearly made an impact. And I think that once the consent was so retroactive that i would consider the act to border on rape. and it sucks to say that. really it is such a shitty thing to even think of. i cant accuse someone of that. thats horrible. and im sure it was so unintentional. but not letting my leave, not letting me say no was not ok. of course in the end up gave myself up to you. and then you left. your friend was waiting for you in the living room. how fucked up is that? how messed up. to come to my house drunk with your friend and make he wait there while you dont let me leave, you dont let me step outside of my room because you want to fuck me. it had been months since we'd last had sex. and yet. i conceded in the end. i saw that really unless i ran out of the room, unless i really yelled at you, unless i really stood up for myself i would get nowhere so i gave in. and when i told people about it, no one knew how to react. granted i said it as though it was nothing. but no one took it seriously or asked and i wished in that instant that someone would validate my feelings would recognize the fact that my temple was violated.
that is why now I am learning to stand up for myself. that is why when you yell at me, i'm trying to yell back. that is why i dont want to take your shit. but its so hard to unlearn this. its so hard not to feel guilty for making you feel bad. really you deserve to know that what I did for you last weekend was a service of my body and wrong. it was wrong for me and you. and you should know that in a way you participated in this history of violence against my body and i think that is partly why I no longer love you. i woke up the morning after and i could barely kiss you. and i feel bad because you cry to me on the phone and i leave you crying on street corners. and i care. i care so much about you, but i cannot forget the fact that last saturday you tried to recolonize my body as your possession. more than anything else that tipped me into seeing myself in a new light. and now i'm trying to value myself and my body outside of its value in appeasing and pleasing others. I deserve pleasure.
i'd also like to tell you that the last night was not ok. that i was not there. that kissing you in the morning was wrong and felt dirty. that i did think of her and that no matter how hard you fucked me I still would have. i dont think you ever understood the meaning of my sluttiness. the meaning of my body. i dont think anybody did. no one ever took it seriously. even when i said that it was not ok. so i stopped saying it wasn't. i stopped telling my family and friends because i couldn't do the deed justice in telling and no one bothered enough to ask me, to probe and find out until she came along and asked. she just asked. she could tell from my language, my intonations, my behavior and she asked me. she let me break down my understanding of myself and i saw that it was wrong for me to give and give unwillingly. I can name the people who have touched me in inappropriate and outrightly unwanted ways. the people to whom i have actually said no don't. and they still did until i capitulated, let down the drawbridge into my body and vacated the premises of troops. my being left my body to be violated. most frequently it wasn't sex. but what does that matter. the fact that it happened at all should make me angry. i've just sucked it up so deep inside in guilt that i can't being it out anymore as anger.
how is it that i can think of someone's actions like that and blame myself? I guess i blame my own body, really. ive learned over the years that it speaks its own language. i think it oozes sexual desire without my own realization sometimes and very frequently with my own realization. but fuck it man. at 9 years old how much sexual realization could i have had really? fuck. and i still sat in the bathtub crying and wanting my parents to avenge me. like some princess i wanted them to avenge my honor, but they didn't. i can't blame them for it. most likely they probably didn't know what to do with the knowledge. with the experience. how does an immigrant approach a 10 year ol' boy and tell him that his hands don't belong there? The irony is that now, he is gay.
after a while i learned to just capitulate at the slightest sign of interest. why bother fighting someone if in the end they'll win you over anyway? I become more and more disrespectful towards my boundaries. in fact i didn't have any at all. want to fuck me? just let me remove my body off the shelf for you. and it wasn't all wimpy and giving. a good portion became a notch on the old bedpost. i counted. i enjoyed the attention. i still do. who doesn't like to be fawned over. i think thats what I was trying to say over a year ago when i wrote about the things people dont know about me. i like admiration but i dont like to follow through on it because giving myself to you should not be necessary. however when the pressure mounts to follow through, the pressure either internal or external, either myself feeling responsible and somehow needing to follow through or other people pushing their luck, i would let my body be goods for the taking and having. ravish me. go ahead. just ignore my emotions like im so good at doing. so when people would grab at me, when A grabbed and wouldn't let go stating that she knew all about me. she knew what i was all about, but that it was ok. that she just wanted to fuck me and having a relationship was not on her agenda. I did not want to, but I yelled at her saying finei'llfuckyoujustletmedealwiththeshitgoingonrightnow. I really gave up then.
it never happened. i told her that her actions were not ok. she apologized. but i stayed in that mind frame about myself. and it became a habit. i dont want to make anyone feel like they somehow did bad things to me. Most of the sexual encounters ive had have been very welcome. in fact i sometimes surprise myself with how i can still enjoy sex so much although i clearly have had a bad history with my own body. its a rare instance in which it was undesired, but it has clearly made an impact. And I think that once the consent was so retroactive that i would consider the act to border on rape. and it sucks to say that. really it is such a shitty thing to even think of. i cant accuse someone of that. thats horrible. and im sure it was so unintentional. but not letting my leave, not letting me say no was not ok. of course in the end up gave myself up to you. and then you left. your friend was waiting for you in the living room. how fucked up is that? how messed up. to come to my house drunk with your friend and make he wait there while you dont let me leave, you dont let me step outside of my room because you want to fuck me. it had been months since we'd last had sex. and yet. i conceded in the end. i saw that really unless i ran out of the room, unless i really yelled at you, unless i really stood up for myself i would get nowhere so i gave in. and when i told people about it, no one knew how to react. granted i said it as though it was nothing. but no one took it seriously or asked and i wished in that instant that someone would validate my feelings would recognize the fact that my temple was violated.
that is why now I am learning to stand up for myself. that is why when you yell at me, i'm trying to yell back. that is why i dont want to take your shit. but its so hard to unlearn this. its so hard not to feel guilty for making you feel bad. really you deserve to know that what I did for you last weekend was a service of my body and wrong. it was wrong for me and you. and you should know that in a way you participated in this history of violence against my body and i think that is partly why I no longer love you. i woke up the morning after and i could barely kiss you. and i feel bad because you cry to me on the phone and i leave you crying on street corners. and i care. i care so much about you, but i cannot forget the fact that last saturday you tried to recolonize my body as your possession. more than anything else that tipped me into seeing myself in a new light. and now i'm trying to value myself and my body outside of its value in appeasing and pleasing others. I deserve pleasure.