"When as you close your eyes for the big sleep, I hope you think of me."
I'm sure anyone who's read more than two of my entries thinks I'm a complete lunatic, incapable of deciding what my own feelings are, incapable of being satisfied. I am a bit mad, I know that, and I know it's insanity that my feelings keep changing so drastically from moment to moment.
But I'm in a happy mood again, and I can't help but be pretty ecstatic by it. Earlier, I was in the depths of some awful feelings, and I was condidering seriously finishing things with Mike. What happened was this:
Mayu and I were talking on the phone, and we suddenly both thought of asking each otehr if a certain promise we'd made to each other was still to be kept: we had promised always to tell the other what we know about the other's partner and if that partner does or says something that's important. I said immidiatly that the promise should still be kept, and she agreed, saying that if this was the case, she had to tell me something.
I started shaking. I couldn't help it - I was so scared of what Mike had said about me. But first the backround story to what he said: as you know, by this Friday, it will have been two weeks since we saw the guys and we both miss them. Daniel and Mayu, with their perfect relationship, want Mike and me to split early, so they can have more time together. I don't really object, I just feel very unwanted but that's something else, but apparently Daniel had to convince Mike to agree to this. Mike said that me and him don't have anything to talk about, so what'll we do alone together for so long? Dan told Mayu this, and she told me, keeping our promise to each other.
I was devastated. I started crying, I felt so bad that my heart literally ached within me. I felt like this meant that he didn't love me - how can you love someone who you can't talk to at all? I still stand by this. It might be lust, but not love. Mayu talked to Daniel, tried to convince him to let me talk to Mike about it, but he wouldn't agree because obviously he wasn't supposed to tell Mayu what Mike said and he didn't want his friendship with his best friend ruined. After a while, I just felt numb to it all, convinced that this was it, I was going to break it off, completely finish it, that I was sick of living in doubt all the time.
And then I find out that Mike didn't actually say exactly that. He said something like "after three hours, we run out of topics..." - this still isn't very nice, but there's a huge difference between "can't talk" and "can't talk for hours". A very very large and significant difference. I felt better, though still awful and sad. I also felt guilty cause Mayu and Dan had a bit of a fight over all this [Mayu's so sweet, she keeps telling me it was her choice to talk to Dan about it all, that it's not my fault they fought about our shit].
The evening rolled around, and I was determinned to talk to Mike, to verify to myself that I still loved him and to try and see, without disclosing Daniel in the process, what he though about us and conversations. I called him about 4 times over the course of a couple hours, and he never answered. Then, a miraculous thing happened - the first time ever - HE CALLED BACK. *Gasp* *swoon* He actually returned a phone call! I was so happy to hear his voice, and immidiatly I felt that swelling in my chest, that incredible feeling that I love him even though he can be an asshole. I told him I'd called cause I missed him terribly, and he said "I miss you too!!!! That's why I called now!" I know, it's a pretty elementry thing to say, but it made me happy. We had a nice chat about this and that, and somehoe, during an awkward pause [he's no phone person... but I'll get him there *evil snicker*] I said "do you think we can talk?" He played stupid, saying that of course we can talk, we have mouths [guys can be really stupid] and then I said I meant conversations and he said "of course. I think so anyway" and I said I did too, and I said that despite that, we never spoke on the phone before Friday night. He said that that's true, but now we are, and sort of hinted that this will continue - this also made my amazingly happy because it meant he really did like speaking to me. We spoke about nothing, about Guild Wars, about his friends, about the test I had today - normal, ordinary, everyday stuff, but punctuated with sighs of "I miss you so much..." and "I love you, you know that?" and "not long to go now! Just four more days and we'll see each other!" and he sounded the most genuine he's ever sounded, truly and utterly pleased to hear my voice, to make me laugh, to make me squeel. I felt wonderful. He did also say that he doesn't understand why Mayu and Dan need so much time together alone, and I was a bit hurt by that because I also want more time with him because it's been so long, but he's like that, and I really can't change the guy completely, you know?
I'm still incredibly jealous of Mayu and Daniel, I can't help it - he says such amazingly romantic things to her, but I'm a bit more content than I was with Mike and I believe again that he might actually be in love, and not in lust, with me. As I am with him. Because I know I don't feel only lust- I'm happy in his presence, I'm happy just to have our fingers entwinded, I'm happy to hear his voice and hear the happiness when he tells me we'll be seeing each other soon. I'll probably never be completely satisfied with him, he's not my type and I know it, but I do love him despite it all, and if I can be happy for a while, I'll be content with it. Or I'll try at least.
Well, I slept about 4 hours in the last 40 hours or so, so I think I should really head to bed and sleep for a while. I hope my fantasies about Mike will allow this...
BTW, 5AM cigarettes are awsome.
But I'm in a happy mood again, and I can't help but be pretty ecstatic by it. Earlier, I was in the depths of some awful feelings, and I was condidering seriously finishing things with Mike. What happened was this:
Mayu and I were talking on the phone, and we suddenly both thought of asking each otehr if a certain promise we'd made to each other was still to be kept: we had promised always to tell the other what we know about the other's partner and if that partner does or says something that's important. I said immidiatly that the promise should still be kept, and she agreed, saying that if this was the case, she had to tell me something.
I started shaking. I couldn't help it - I was so scared of what Mike had said about me. But first the backround story to what he said: as you know, by this Friday, it will have been two weeks since we saw the guys and we both miss them. Daniel and Mayu, with their perfect relationship, want Mike and me to split early, so they can have more time together. I don't really object, I just feel very unwanted but that's something else, but apparently Daniel had to convince Mike to agree to this. Mike said that me and him don't have anything to talk about, so what'll we do alone together for so long? Dan told Mayu this, and she told me, keeping our promise to each other.
I was devastated. I started crying, I felt so bad that my heart literally ached within me. I felt like this meant that he didn't love me - how can you love someone who you can't talk to at all? I still stand by this. It might be lust, but not love. Mayu talked to Daniel, tried to convince him to let me talk to Mike about it, but he wouldn't agree because obviously he wasn't supposed to tell Mayu what Mike said and he didn't want his friendship with his best friend ruined. After a while, I just felt numb to it all, convinced that this was it, I was going to break it off, completely finish it, that I was sick of living in doubt all the time.
And then I find out that Mike didn't actually say exactly that. He said something like "after three hours, we run out of topics..." - this still isn't very nice, but there's a huge difference between "can't talk" and "can't talk for hours". A very very large and significant difference. I felt better, though still awful and sad. I also felt guilty cause Mayu and Dan had a bit of a fight over all this [Mayu's so sweet, she keeps telling me it was her choice to talk to Dan about it all, that it's not my fault they fought about our shit].
The evening rolled around, and I was determinned to talk to Mike, to verify to myself that I still loved him and to try and see, without disclosing Daniel in the process, what he though about us and conversations. I called him about 4 times over the course of a couple hours, and he never answered. Then, a miraculous thing happened - the first time ever - HE CALLED BACK. *Gasp* *swoon* He actually returned a phone call! I was so happy to hear his voice, and immidiatly I felt that swelling in my chest, that incredible feeling that I love him even though he can be an asshole. I told him I'd called cause I missed him terribly, and he said "I miss you too!!!! That's why I called now!" I know, it's a pretty elementry thing to say, but it made me happy. We had a nice chat about this and that, and somehoe, during an awkward pause [he's no phone person... but I'll get him there *evil snicker*] I said "do you think we can talk?" He played stupid, saying that of course we can talk, we have mouths [guys can be really stupid] and then I said I meant conversations and he said "of course. I think so anyway" and I said I did too, and I said that despite that, we never spoke on the phone before Friday night. He said that that's true, but now we are, and sort of hinted that this will continue - this also made my amazingly happy because it meant he really did like speaking to me. We spoke about nothing, about Guild Wars, about his friends, about the test I had today - normal, ordinary, everyday stuff, but punctuated with sighs of "I miss you so much..." and "I love you, you know that?" and "not long to go now! Just four more days and we'll see each other!" and he sounded the most genuine he's ever sounded, truly and utterly pleased to hear my voice, to make me laugh, to make me squeel. I felt wonderful. He did also say that he doesn't understand why Mayu and Dan need so much time together alone, and I was a bit hurt by that because I also want more time with him because it's been so long, but he's like that, and I really can't change the guy completely, you know?
I'm still incredibly jealous of Mayu and Daniel, I can't help it - he says such amazingly romantic things to her, but I'm a bit more content than I was with Mike and I believe again that he might actually be in love, and not in lust, with me. As I am with him. Because I know I don't feel only lust- I'm happy in his presence, I'm happy just to have our fingers entwinded, I'm happy to hear his voice and hear the happiness when he tells me we'll be seeing each other soon. I'll probably never be completely satisfied with him, he's not my type and I know it, but I do love him despite it all, and if I can be happy for a while, I'll be content with it. Or I'll try at least.
Well, I slept about 4 hours in the last 40 hours or so, so I think I should really head to bed and sleep for a while. I hope my fantasies about Mike will allow this...
BTW, 5AM cigarettes are awsome.