Internship..
so my internship started.. oh man.. so i wake up at 5am... to be there by 6am. thats not cool. thats SO not cool! i spend my day making cranes. so.. i take a tube of metal weld some shit to it..set it aside and do it again. over and over. ..i cant lift the biggest piece we make... so i have to get this guy bryan to help.. and he hates it. im ridiculously slow and i hold up the line... my welds are shit.. but gettting better slowly. more to the point... my entire body hurts. i didnt think this through. i mean obviously i didnt.. i went into the program just to see what it was like.. i like welding.. i do.. but goddamn... i cant stand for 8 hours a day and lift heavy metal shit around.. and hold the welding gun...my hand swells up... ugh.. idk.. i didnt think about what the actual job would be like... and i now know i dont like it... and ...idk what to do about that... okay so i've only been there three days.. okay it will probably get easier.. okay the company makes smaller stuff so i could potentially work at those stations and it would be better.... okay so i could get a job working with aluminum since its lighter... okay so i could find shoe inserts so my feet dont hurt and a wrist brace so my wrist doesnt hurt and okay so ibuprofen exists and i could just live off that..... but..... damnit guys..... Bryan the guy who's training me has been there for 6 years.... 6 fucking years! hes hunched over and slow and i think drunk all the time...his welds are great... but hes been doing the same thing every day for 6 years....and ....i dont wanna be him! i dont wanna just weld the same never ending line of shit... i dont wanna hurt... i dont wanna hurt. but finding another job is fucking hard! moving is fucking hard.... change.... change is hard... and i dont like it... im scared that this isnt going work... that welding isnt my thing... and if its not.... then what do i do... i just keep thinking i have one month.... til graduation and my lease is up and i need to know what im doing... where im going....and i cant think about anything else... at work.. as in HCO.. ugh.. im fucking up.. saying the wrong things missing cues... i forgot to help a client with her shower... i trained a girl wrong on this one thing... im tired all the time... and i hurt everywhere... and i cant imagine doing this shit three days a week for three more weeks let along do it for five days a week for... years.... and it scares me that i dont know what to do.. because i have one month.... to figure shit out... and thats not that long... one month... one month.... my brain just cant help but remind me... i just wanna go weld in space.... theres no gravity so no joint pain... not lots of people... its pretty quiet... probably the most beautiful spot in ..ever... i just wanna go where i dont have to think... i can just exist... and do my shit.... but thats a dream and dreams never come true.