Letters to Stephen
Stephen,
It's only right that I write to you today. It was your favorite holiday. Halloween, you said, was the day when you could be whatever you wanted to be and no one could say anything to you.
Tonight I am going to be what I am. I am afraid. I'm afraid of wasting my life and shaming your memory. I'm afraid of being this lonely for the rest of my life because most of all I am so afraid that I am going to forget you.
I can't remember the way you used to smile. The special one. You had a special smile for every person that you loved, a way that you lit up just for them. I can't remember the way you looked at me and no one can show me. I'm losing parts of you every day and whoever said it gets easier was lying. I'm struggling. I can't be okay in a place where you don't exist anymore.
I know that everyone that sees that I am still hurting thinks that I'm just being silly because I lost some guy I liked, but you weren't some guy. You were my best friend. You were the person that I told everything to and that told everything to me. We shared everything, we shared our lives. Isn't it normal to suffer when a part of you is lost?
I don't know how to act around your mom. Chloe came back for a visit and she seems okay. How can she be okay? You guys were so close. How can she heal so completely? I don't think that I'll ever be whole again.
I'm trying so hard to remember things, the sound of your laugh, of your voice singing with mine, the way your hugs felt, that victory dance you did, that stern look that you gave me but never meant. I can't lose any more. I've already lost the best part of myself, I can't lose the memories too.
I miss you,
Jessica
It's only right that I write to you today. It was your favorite holiday. Halloween, you said, was the day when you could be whatever you wanted to be and no one could say anything to you.
Tonight I am going to be what I am. I am afraid. I'm afraid of wasting my life and shaming your memory. I'm afraid of being this lonely for the rest of my life because most of all I am so afraid that I am going to forget you.
I can't remember the way you used to smile. The special one. You had a special smile for every person that you loved, a way that you lit up just for them. I can't remember the way you looked at me and no one can show me. I'm losing parts of you every day and whoever said it gets easier was lying. I'm struggling. I can't be okay in a place where you don't exist anymore.
I know that everyone that sees that I am still hurting thinks that I'm just being silly because I lost some guy I liked, but you weren't some guy. You were my best friend. You were the person that I told everything to and that told everything to me. We shared everything, we shared our lives. Isn't it normal to suffer when a part of you is lost?
I don't know how to act around your mom. Chloe came back for a visit and she seems okay. How can she be okay? You guys were so close. How can she heal so completely? I don't think that I'll ever be whole again.
I'm trying so hard to remember things, the sound of your laugh, of your voice singing with mine, the way your hugs felt, that victory dance you did, that stern look that you gave me but never meant. I can't lose any more. I've already lost the best part of myself, I can't lose the memories too.
I miss you,
Jessica