(no subject)
My world is torn and broken...Im really getting sick of this all
wow...I thought before was bad..so heres the update...
Daddy is in Buloxi, Mississippi...Im not as worried as I was...things seem to be getting better, and he calls us like everyday...so its better than it was when he was in Afghanistan...wont go into detail...watch the news and see what the National Guard is doing...
I got in touch with my best friend tonight finally! after not seeing or talking to him since the last day of school, I finally got a hold of Anthony...I miss him sooo much...I didnt realize how much I missed him and the way he can just make me laugh...We talked for over 3 hours on the phone tonight... honestly, although we are male and female...we can talk about ANYTHING! He is the only person besides Josh I trust enough and can just do that with. It rocks big time...Im going to try to see him before my trip tomorrow or Saturday before I leave. I need it...I was on the phone with him when my life got screwed over. Thank God I was on the phone with him...I dont know what I wouldve done if it werent for him talking to me...
The trip to Myrtle Beach is coming up with that family from my church. I also need this trip...maybe I will be ok after it. Im still kind of nervous. I dont want to mess anything up. Oh, and I finally learned the kids' names. The boy is 5 and his name is Christian (awww...Joshs middle name). The girl is 3 and her name is Rileigh (pronounced Ri-ley). They are really adorable. The thing that makes me nervous is the dad is one of those guys who you cant tell if hes joking or if hes serious... I can never tell with those guys, and I usually make a fool out of myself...grrrr....
ummm...mommy is surprisingly doing alright even though daddy is gone, so Im not as worried about her as I was. So Im ok with leaving her alone now.
School...haha...I was panicing earlier. I thought that what I was seeing for this semester was only this semester's work, but alas! its the whole year's work...so Im ahead practically! That made me so happy when I found out! Im not so stressed about school now. I shall be fine, as long as I dont get too distracted...
The future decisions are still weighing on my mind though. As are the things concerning a license and a job, but oh well...I will have to wait and see what happens....
Um the North Carolina moving thing mightve changed. Now daddy has applied for a job in Huntsville, Alabama. If he gets this job, hes moving as soon as he gets it. Once again, it will be after I turn 16, but when I move out, I have to pay for my homeschool too. My parents will need to take care of things with that sort of thing, and they wont be able too. I could always become an encompensated minor though and have the right to do what I please. I dont know whats going to happen though...as usual...
Ok...and now for the thing that has turned my life upside-down and criss-crossed everything inside me...not to mention cut me and left me to bleed and cry for 8 hours...which is what Ive been doing since 9 pm...it is now 5:30 am. I was having some issues with Josh, because I havent really seen him or talked to him in a week and a half. Hes changed alot. The jealousy thing is gone, but theres just something there that keeps me on edge around him. I just dont know what to do around him anymore. Also, Wednesday night, after we got to church, he ignored me alot. This normally wouldnt have bothered me considering he is usually always with me, but he hadnt seen me in so long, and at my house he sure wanted to be near me... So I really didnt know what to do. I just left him alone and talked to Angela (youth leader's wife). She and I got to talking and I filled her in on what was going on with Josh and me. I felt kind of more sad after that. Then Josh calls me out in the middle of the lesson when I was really only trying to get him to give me some attention, and I just stopped. I left him alone because I didnt know what to do... After it was over, he left me. I walked outside and put my stuff down and walked around the parking lot alone...once again avoiding Josh. I felt like a nuisance and a burden, so I let it be. I was also still sort of mad so I fumed some. Then Angela joined me and she and I talked about everything. She tried to encourage me, but it wasnt really working. I really only got sadder thinking about everything going on. She tried though. I walked around that lot probably around or more than ten times in high-heeled boots. Thats how much I just needed something to make it all go away. But anyways, he knew something was wrong when I got in the car, but I knew we wouldnt have time to talk about all that was going on. I told him it was nothing except the usual worries about the future and everything going on. (That was part of it.) So I called him Thursday. I ended up crying for some reason and told him that I just dont know how to act around him because he has changed. He didnt know what to do or say and his mom had to use the phone, so we left it at that. I told my friend about it, and she said I HAD to talk to him about this. I IMed him after calling and not getting an answer. I told him to call me when he got back. Instead, he IMed me back and I decided itd be easier to just type it to him. I wish I hadnt closed that window before saving it....
I basically told him what I felt about Wednesday. I told him when we talked, he only talked when I did. I felt like a burden because I still counted him as a best friend and told him everything, but he just talked to me about my life and didnt talk after two sentences. I told him that everyone has said hes changed for the better, and only in the time weve been apart, so thats saying something. I told him that I dont know how to handle his change in personality. And then I asked him what he though...shouldnt have.
He told me that because my mom hates him and will never accept him that we cant be together no matter what until Im out of the house. He told me yes, he is better for being away from me. Then he says, "Dont get me wrong, let me explain." He told me its because he was co-dependent on me and that everytime something happened to me, we had the same emotions and it got to him alot "to the point everyone was worried about him". The thing is that I warned him to stop this. I almost broke up a long time ago because I had that effect on him. Obviously it hadnt changed...and now he leaves me because of it. Anyways, theres more. I kept apologizing and saying the last couple weeks of being separated was hell, but then he said the whole relationship we had been given hell by practically everybody. Then he said some more I kind of forgot, but the last paragraph he sent me said that I should go see what else is out there, or wed both regret it. Another thing is that I wanted that before, but I gave it up for him. I gave up all the opportunities and guys that I couldve gone with for him, so why would I want anyone else now? Theres still more...He told me that he didnt say it was permanent. The thing with this is that if he sees someone else, I will always wonder what they did together, if he still wanted her, etc...I wouldnt have the trust we had. He wouldve also given part of himself to her; therefore, if we ended up married, I wouldnt have all of him. I hate this so much because I know hes the one. I know God set us up for each other. Im close enought to God to know this. I dont doubt it. Even if I end up seeing someone else, I will belong to Josh... If he doesnt come back to me within a certain time period, I will never take him back, but he will still always have me.
I. hate. this. He was the one that kept me going when I wanted to die recently. I knew itd hurt him so much if I committed suicide. I know itd hurt others, but I knew theyd move on...He wouldnt. Thats what kept me going. Now I dont see anything stopping me. I see this as pointless. So much would be better for certain people if I were gone...I wont do it...at least not for a long time...I have this hope glimmering inside that hell snap out of it...please God...
wow...I thought before was bad..so heres the update...
Daddy is in Buloxi, Mississippi...Im not as worried as I was...things seem to be getting better, and he calls us like everyday...so its better than it was when he was in Afghanistan...wont go into detail...watch the news and see what the National Guard is doing...
I got in touch with my best friend tonight finally! after not seeing or talking to him since the last day of school, I finally got a hold of Anthony...I miss him sooo much...I didnt realize how much I missed him and the way he can just make me laugh...We talked for over 3 hours on the phone tonight... honestly, although we are male and female...we can talk about ANYTHING! He is the only person besides Josh I trust enough and can just do that with. It rocks big time...Im going to try to see him before my trip tomorrow or Saturday before I leave. I need it...I was on the phone with him when my life got screwed over. Thank God I was on the phone with him...I dont know what I wouldve done if it werent for him talking to me...
The trip to Myrtle Beach is coming up with that family from my church. I also need this trip...maybe I will be ok after it. Im still kind of nervous. I dont want to mess anything up. Oh, and I finally learned the kids' names. The boy is 5 and his name is Christian (awww...Joshs middle name). The girl is 3 and her name is Rileigh (pronounced Ri-ley). They are really adorable. The thing that makes me nervous is the dad is one of those guys who you cant tell if hes joking or if hes serious... I can never tell with those guys, and I usually make a fool out of myself...grrrr....
ummm...mommy is surprisingly doing alright even though daddy is gone, so Im not as worried about her as I was. So Im ok with leaving her alone now.
School...haha...I was panicing earlier. I thought that what I was seeing for this semester was only this semester's work, but alas! its the whole year's work...so Im ahead practically! That made me so happy when I found out! Im not so stressed about school now. I shall be fine, as long as I dont get too distracted...
The future decisions are still weighing on my mind though. As are the things concerning a license and a job, but oh well...I will have to wait and see what happens....
Um the North Carolina moving thing mightve changed. Now daddy has applied for a job in Huntsville, Alabama. If he gets this job, hes moving as soon as he gets it. Once again, it will be after I turn 16, but when I move out, I have to pay for my homeschool too. My parents will need to take care of things with that sort of thing, and they wont be able too. I could always become an encompensated minor though and have the right to do what I please. I dont know whats going to happen though...as usual...
Ok...and now for the thing that has turned my life upside-down and criss-crossed everything inside me...not to mention cut me and left me to bleed and cry for 8 hours...which is what Ive been doing since 9 pm...it is now 5:30 am. I was having some issues with Josh, because I havent really seen him or talked to him in a week and a half. Hes changed alot. The jealousy thing is gone, but theres just something there that keeps me on edge around him. I just dont know what to do around him anymore. Also, Wednesday night, after we got to church, he ignored me alot. This normally wouldnt have bothered me considering he is usually always with me, but he hadnt seen me in so long, and at my house he sure wanted to be near me... So I really didnt know what to do. I just left him alone and talked to Angela (youth leader's wife). She and I got to talking and I filled her in on what was going on with Josh and me. I felt kind of more sad after that. Then Josh calls me out in the middle of the lesson when I was really only trying to get him to give me some attention, and I just stopped. I left him alone because I didnt know what to do... After it was over, he left me. I walked outside and put my stuff down and walked around the parking lot alone...once again avoiding Josh. I felt like a nuisance and a burden, so I let it be. I was also still sort of mad so I fumed some. Then Angela joined me and she and I talked about everything. She tried to encourage me, but it wasnt really working. I really only got sadder thinking about everything going on. She tried though. I walked around that lot probably around or more than ten times in high-heeled boots. Thats how much I just needed something to make it all go away. But anyways, he knew something was wrong when I got in the car, but I knew we wouldnt have time to talk about all that was going on. I told him it was nothing except the usual worries about the future and everything going on. (That was part of it.) So I called him Thursday. I ended up crying for some reason and told him that I just dont know how to act around him because he has changed. He didnt know what to do or say and his mom had to use the phone, so we left it at that. I told my friend about it, and she said I HAD to talk to him about this. I IMed him after calling and not getting an answer. I told him to call me when he got back. Instead, he IMed me back and I decided itd be easier to just type it to him. I wish I hadnt closed that window before saving it....
I basically told him what I felt about Wednesday. I told him when we talked, he only talked when I did. I felt like a burden because I still counted him as a best friend and told him everything, but he just talked to me about my life and didnt talk after two sentences. I told him that everyone has said hes changed for the better, and only in the time weve been apart, so thats saying something. I told him that I dont know how to handle his change in personality. And then I asked him what he though...shouldnt have.
He told me that because my mom hates him and will never accept him that we cant be together no matter what until Im out of the house. He told me yes, he is better for being away from me. Then he says, "Dont get me wrong, let me explain." He told me its because he was co-dependent on me and that everytime something happened to me, we had the same emotions and it got to him alot "to the point everyone was worried about him". The thing is that I warned him to stop this. I almost broke up a long time ago because I had that effect on him. Obviously it hadnt changed...and now he leaves me because of it. Anyways, theres more. I kept apologizing and saying the last couple weeks of being separated was hell, but then he said the whole relationship we had been given hell by practically everybody. Then he said some more I kind of forgot, but the last paragraph he sent me said that I should go see what else is out there, or wed both regret it. Another thing is that I wanted that before, but I gave it up for him. I gave up all the opportunities and guys that I couldve gone with for him, so why would I want anyone else now? Theres still more...He told me that he didnt say it was permanent. The thing with this is that if he sees someone else, I will always wonder what they did together, if he still wanted her, etc...I wouldnt have the trust we had. He wouldve also given part of himself to her; therefore, if we ended up married, I wouldnt have all of him. I hate this so much because I know hes the one. I know God set us up for each other. Im close enought to God to know this. I dont doubt it. Even if I end up seeing someone else, I will belong to Josh... If he doesnt come back to me within a certain time period, I will never take him back, but he will still always have me.
I. hate. this. He was the one that kept me going when I wanted to die recently. I knew itd hurt him so much if I committed suicide. I know itd hurt others, but I knew theyd move on...He wouldnt. Thats what kept me going. Now I dont see anything stopping me. I see this as pointless. So much would be better for certain people if I were gone...I wont do it...at least not for a long time...I have this hope glimmering inside that hell snap out of it...please God...