A Better Future Is In Front Of Me
It has been so long sense I've been here, i don't even know where to begin. Once again its way early in the morning and i can't seem to get the whole "sleep at a normal time" thing down. Unstable environment could definatly be it. I am currently not working ... well kind of but I'm not paying taxes or anything and if I actually saved my money I could probably be paying my bills. Still crashing at my parents house .... I'm so damn broke that I can't even think about moving out right now. I am so unorganized it's not even funny. Right now I'm pretty much at rock bottom. i just want ah normal life ... i want to be happy. i deserve that ... right? all my money is going out to clubs and boozin it up. what happened to me? i guess me turning 21 is what happened ... its not like what i'm doing isn't normal or anything, i'm having alot of fun doing it. i think i'm just in denial about my life. a year ago is when everything crashed ... well it crashed way before then but hit the bottom of the bottom. my parents are outta control and i don't think they see it, its taking a huge toll on me and my sisters and i don't think they could care less. my mom weighs like down to nothing now and my dad can't seem to get off the couch, i think he found all the weight my mom lost ... it looks like he's going to have a heartattack soon and theres nothing anyone can do about it. he just lays there in the dark in and out of sleep ... and when he wakes up he's not my dad. its like someone took over his body. my little sister is in ah crazy house ... which i should be right there next to her and my older sister has been keeping my dads company still running. thank God for her. her and kurt are looking for a place ... they don't wanna tell my parents which i don't blame them. we all wanna get far away from this mess as we possibly can. i think about this shit all the time. i wish i didnt have anxiety so i could just get ah normal fucking job and save my money so i can get outta here. i would do it in ah flash ... in ah flashhh. i want ah normal routine. This Place Is A Prison
I've been seeing females these days. i don't know if this is a phase or what ... its so different. but i know if i can be romantic with a female and have feelings other then friendship feelings w/ ah female then i know its not bullshit. Theres this amazing women that has come into my life, pretty much my hero and she compliments me, she's like ah perfect shirt to my perfect outfit ... you know. We even eachother out. its extremley releaving and comfortable. She touches me like she's been waiting for me her whole life ... shes genuwine and amazing in every way. She makes me feel like there is a possibility of a normal life out there. Her essence overwhelms me and all i wanna do is curl up in her arms. I once told her that God sent her to me ... I don't think she realizes how true that is. Somethings gotta give and she is my saviour. Listen to what type of things she writes me "I wake up next to you with my body pressed against yours. Our arms entangled while our souls seep into one another. I bury my face in the back of your neck where the smell of your hair floods my senses. I'm intoxicated by you. I haven't felt this good in a long ... long time." I mean seriously ... wow. Thats how she makes me feel. i know i know ... it totally could be ah huge pile of bullshit .. but i know its not .... i knowww its not. the way she looks at me ... i honestly don't have words to describe it. All i can say is that I know its real ... and how do i know its real you ask ... because nobody has ever done this to me before, nobody has ever looked at me like she has, nobody has ever touched me like she has. When I grow up I wanna be her. Responsible, fun, outgoing, beautifullll, crazyyy, did i say beautiful? Shes everything i'm not and I wanna be everything she is. She gives me ah rush of warmth throughout my body and this feeling couldn't feel any better ... but it will.
The sun is coming up and I have written my ass off. i haven't showered today and i feel so nasty right now. so i think imma go to bed ... set my alarm and get some shit done tomorrow.
I've been seeing females these days. i don't know if this is a phase or what ... its so different. but i know if i can be romantic with a female and have feelings other then friendship feelings w/ ah female then i know its not bullshit. Theres this amazing women that has come into my life, pretty much my hero and she compliments me, she's like ah perfect shirt to my perfect outfit ... you know. We even eachother out. its extremley releaving and comfortable. She touches me like she's been waiting for me her whole life ... shes genuwine and amazing in every way. She makes me feel like there is a possibility of a normal life out there. Her essence overwhelms me and all i wanna do is curl up in her arms. I once told her that God sent her to me ... I don't think she realizes how true that is. Somethings gotta give and she is my saviour. Listen to what type of things she writes me "I wake up next to you with my body pressed against yours. Our arms entangled while our souls seep into one another. I bury my face in the back of your neck where the smell of your hair floods my senses. I'm intoxicated by you. I haven't felt this good in a long ... long time." I mean seriously ... wow. Thats how she makes me feel. i know i know ... it totally could be ah huge pile of bullshit .. but i know its not .... i knowww its not. the way she looks at me ... i honestly don't have words to describe it. All i can say is that I know its real ... and how do i know its real you ask ... because nobody has ever done this to me before, nobody has ever looked at me like she has, nobody has ever touched me like she has. When I grow up I wanna be her. Responsible, fun, outgoing, beautifullll, crazyyy, did i say beautiful? Shes everything i'm not and I wanna be everything she is. She gives me ah rush of warmth throughout my body and this feeling couldn't feel any better ... but it will.
The sun is coming up and I have written my ass off. i haven't showered today and i feel so nasty right now. so i think imma go to bed ... set my alarm and get some shit done tomorrow.