Useless longing
Topic: What makes you jealous and how do you deal with it?
Life, to me in my current state, rushes by in a kaleidoscope of colors and emotion. Everything has an edge of sharpness to it as I wander about in a constant high on adrenaline, keeping me hyper-aware of every single sense and sensation.
And yet, there are moments, few and far between, when things just seem to... slow down. Like after a long day of battle, when I'm slowly cleaning my sword, or on the morning before a planned confrontation, after I have just dressed myself in my armor.
I don't understand how it happens, or why. Everything just inexplicably slows down until you can almost hear each individual heartbeat of time. The day holds its breath. The air smells of stillness. Every scream I've ever heard or caused feels like nothing more than a distant dream.
Then, at suddenly as it starts, it disappears. The stupidity of hope stabs me right in the gut, for I know that any sort of peace - even one that lasts for a mere few seconds - has absolutely no place in my world.
And I know without really knowing that a lifetime ago, I would have been able to appreciate such moments. "Appreciation" itself is now beyond me, though I can vaguely remember having understood it when I was a child. But it's an abstract memory... Like knowing that I used to enjoy being hugged by my mother, teased by my sister, nagged at by my father. Abstract memories, like writing on parchment that I can read, but can't understand.
She would have understood. And when I mean "she", I mean that girl from Cirra whom I used to be, and whom I am insanely jealous of.
She had love. She was happy. She understood peace. She lived in a wonderful, beautiful world where everyone was kind, and evil warriors were characters in bedtime stories that went away when the dawn came.
When the storm starts up again, that girl's existence melts away like the faint dream it is. I forget a little more about her every day, which I think suits my current purpose all the better. The more I forget, the more I don't yearn for what I lost, and the more I can focus on what I want now.
Life, to me in my current state, rushes by in a kaleidoscope of colors and emotion. Everything has an edge of sharpness to it as I wander about in a constant high on adrenaline, keeping me hyper-aware of every single sense and sensation.
And yet, there are moments, few and far between, when things just seem to... slow down. Like after a long day of battle, when I'm slowly cleaning my sword, or on the morning before a planned confrontation, after I have just dressed myself in my armor.
I don't understand how it happens, or why. Everything just inexplicably slows down until you can almost hear each individual heartbeat of time. The day holds its breath. The air smells of stillness. Every scream I've ever heard or caused feels like nothing more than a distant dream.
Then, at suddenly as it starts, it disappears. The stupidity of hope stabs me right in the gut, for I know that any sort of peace - even one that lasts for a mere few seconds - has absolutely no place in my world.
And I know without really knowing that a lifetime ago, I would have been able to appreciate such moments. "Appreciation" itself is now beyond me, though I can vaguely remember having understood it when I was a child. But it's an abstract memory... Like knowing that I used to enjoy being hugged by my mother, teased by my sister, nagged at by my father. Abstract memories, like writing on parchment that I can read, but can't understand.
She would have understood. And when I mean "she", I mean that girl from Cirra whom I used to be, and whom I am insanely jealous of.
She had love. She was happy. She understood peace. She lived in a wonderful, beautiful world where everyone was kind, and evil warriors were characters in bedtime stories that went away when the dawn came.
When the storm starts up again, that girl's existence melts away like the faint dream it is. I forget a little more about her every day, which I think suits my current purpose all the better. The more I forget, the more I don't yearn for what I lost, and the more I can focus on what I want now.