Randomnimity
Friday April 13th was my oldest daughter's 13th birthday, and it's kind of cool to see her now, not just a girl, but not yet a woman, tall and pretty and smart and funny, possibly the only other thing (besides her sister) that I've ever produced that is truly remarkable, but anyway, she is on the cusp another bunch of firsts in her life, and while I'd love to shield her from the ones that will break her heart, I know I cannot, she will have to experience the good, the bad and the ugly, and all I can do is to commit to being there for her as best I can - anyway, Happy Birthday, AE!
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Speaking of which, I remember looking forward to so many 'firsts' in my own life - my first time driving a car, my first kiss, my first job, and so many more - and while some were every bit as amazing as I imagined, some were disappointing, really, but the one constant over the years has always been that I've been keenly aware that there will be fewer and fewer firsts to look forward to as I age, and yet I can assert without equivocation that the firsts I've experienced in recent years have dwarfed most of the others, and that they, in turn, have spawned yet other firsts and seconds (and more) that have been every bit as amazing, and I can only say thanks for all that - <3NY…GILU…GIMU…GILU…
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I have a friend who is prone to saying 'it is what it is is,' a lot, it's his stock phrase, and I've taken to ribbing him about it, cause it really is a kind of pointless abbreviated syllogism, innit? Seriously, I know that it's at the root of a lot of serious theology and pop psychology, but I just don't see the point of saying it, any more than I see the point of its Twin-Bromide, 'whatever is meant to happen will happen' - I guess on some level they are both true, but if we accepted such things in all their glory we humans would still be squatting in the mud, and there would be no civilization anywhere, indeed, everything that has been done or made or achieved by mankind was accomplished by *not* contenting ourselves with the status quo, it's what we do, what Bruce Cockburn called in song we '…kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight…' in other words, it is what it *isn't* is a better way to put, IMHO.
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Strange that I can know so much, much more today than I did in my 20's and 30's, not just the number of things that I know, but the meaning behind them, and the connections between those many things, and yet the older I get, the more I realize just how little I really *do* know, indeed, the storehouse of knowledge of the human race has increase exponentially within my lifetime, and even a truly educated man or woman can only lay claim to a tiny fraction of it all, and I know it undoubtedly sounds stupid, but I'm one of the curious types who really does want to know and understand it all, and it makes me sad to know that I simply cannot.
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I really do have a hard time letting go of anything and everything, it's been the bane of my existence, like Jacob and the angel, forever wrestling against the notion that nothing lasts, nothing is forever, even whilst knowing full-well that nothing can or could be - thing is, I'm not incapable of appreciating the beauty of the moment, but deep inside there's a tiny voice that warns me against the fading affections, the imminent separations, the looming end-of-things, and instead of reveling in the bliss of the day, I most often find myself ruminating on the tragedy of the impermanence of things instead of just carping dium, and yet with all that said, and for all my bravado, I still want to feel it all, like in that line in the Aerosmith song, 'I don't want to miss a thing.'
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Something else I don't want to miss: Fiona Apple's new album - I've watched all the videos of her from SXSW, and she really did sound amazing, like she's pawing at the dirt, ready to come out of the gate with horns down - so yeah, really looking forward to her album when it drops: she's a national anthem.
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I've been recently diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy in my feet of an unknown causation, something that seems to have started some time ago, but has only gotten worse in the past year or so, to the point where I am unable to walk without pain, but then again, I am unable to sit without pain, either, both aching and stabbing in the arches and balls and tops and toes of my feet - I am working with a neurologist to try to find some form of relief, but so far the only thing that seems to help is icing my feet, something I do on and off each day, both at work and at home - FML
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On a related note, either physical and emotional pain can be a bitch of a harsh mistress, and when one is so afflicted it becomes a consuming thing, occupying one's time and energies in the experience, but also in the search for relief or ways to cope - it takes a physical toll, but it also takes a mental and emotional toll, as well, and as time goes on, it becomes more and more difficult to avoid overt and covert references to it all, and it starts to slip out in ways that can stress one's relationships with family, friends and lovers/spouse, to the point where many will simply flee the company of the one who is suffering, taking with them the solace of social intercourse and human touch, which only exacerbates things - it's seems so much simpler to just stuff it all down, but then again, maybe it isn't at all.