(no subject)
oh so fucking exhausted it isn't even a joke. and it's sunday...all the work i have to do somebody shoot me. i have had my phone unplugged and cell phone off because well people have been bothering me, so on monday i shall be attacked and shown no mercy. hopefully maddie can give me a ride to school so that i don't have to take a train to with my Saint Saviour friends because there is one that will chew my fucking ear off. tells me everything i need to fix about her life and then gets off on 9th street feeling better and leaving me with her shit. yay, can't you tell how fucking happy that makes
today's my mom's birthday and my dad is sick and i'm not in the fucking mood to deal with them but when am i ever? i swear that old man has cold you'd thinking he was dieing. pathetic fuck. and hey kept me up last night argueing then once they finished and fianlly shut the fuck up and went to bed, my neighbors started! why do people hate me so?
christmas music playing non-stop a little bit i can take but dear god why must they torture me with the cheerfulness over and over and over...
holidays truly depress me. it doesn't surprise me that people kill themselves during this time i'm surprised i haven't. christmas in particular, brings back all the bitter memories of years before. then again all the scars on my body are a personal reminder for anytime of the year, there jared now you know what the box cutter was for happy? but for whatever reason the holidays seem to make it all worse. how a good 90% of my family forgot that i exist because after my grandfather died when i was ten they were no longer obligated to love me. isn't that great to know? that people were forced to love you and then they were free of you and couldn't give two shits of you drop dead or dissappear. not like your important to them. of course not because half of your mother's blood runs through your vains therefore you are inferior to them. your not all italian so you mean nothing.
until they need something then all of a sudden i'm alive gee what a shock. last time some relative needed a gift for some anniversary we had to go to the damn celebration. wahoo. dad and mom dissappeared on me and left me there with them. never in my life had i wanted to cry so hard so i'd go blind.then rip out my ear drums with a knife. all these relatives that couldn't give so much as a rat's anus about me asking me my age what school i'm in if i'm still in high school, keep in mind at the time i was a freshman. yeah i think i'm still in high school. some of them actually forgot who i was. they had to ask me who i was! one of my aunt's had to remind them all that i'm "mike's daughter". that's all i am mike's fucking daughter, then the aunt that at least remembered that i'm "mikes daughter" had to ask what my name was!!! i felt so worthless.
yes this is what i think of during the holidays.
god sometimes i wish i still had that box cutter.