(no subject)
The worst is over now....
After a rather up-down couple of days, I had a come-to-jesus moment... Granted it happened when I was looking at plates at Target for no apparent reason. Either way, I realized that I'm expelling all this effort to be upset over someone who couldn't make me worth the effort. I call that my come-to-jesus moment because I realized, "why bother". My friend Robert pointed out that I'm just repressing emotions which is what gets me into situations like this in the first place, but it's not like I've gotten an ulcer yet! I feel better now, so that's all that really matters.
It looks as though you're letting go...
If a friendship is still possible after all this than fine, I hate losing a good friend over something as trivial as timing in when they decide to tell me when they had "feelings" for me. It's past tense now, that's been made clear enough. Can I just reverse and pretend like I didn't have the emotional backlash that I did? No. Do I want to? No. But, I can learn from my mistakes and I can run with the lessons I learned. Do I apologize for anything I said? Maybe... Depends on what it is. Robert showed me some of what I was saying to him and, while I don't remember it, I was a bit embarrassed, lol. I think I said I was going to join the army to be a part of something larger... Yeah, I was drunk, I don't know what I was thinking.
I can't believe you were the one to build me up and then tear me down...
I'm giving myself some form of closure because I know I'm not going to get it anywhere else. I've said before that if I'm left to draw my own conclusions that they'll probably be wrong and not very good. Well, I'm going to do it again. Do I believe you cared for me? Maybe, the jury is still out on this one. Do I believe you're sorry? Maybe for the backlash that happened. Do I think it could've been great? If what you said was the truth. Do I believe it was the truth? I'm not sure, but I'm leaning towards it all being a game.
At this point, the ball is out of my court and in the other person's. Most of my friends can testify that if I don't get a returned ball, I'll disappear and I'll do it quickly. I guess that goes along with the repression thing, but I'm not going to keep hitting myself in the head with a shovel. I had a dream last night where my own actions got me shot. While I think it was completely random, it brings up a good point. I'm doing these things that end up hurting me and I need to stop.
I threw out the rest of my vodka.