supercilious ways
as a whole, right now i feel generally disappointed and alone in the world. not only in the world, but in people too. i can't say that i expected things to be any better than they are now, but more than anything, this experience has caused a severe lack of faith in my life to occur. it feels like someone pulled a drain plug inside me, and all ambition is siphoning out.
katherine was, at one point in my life, one of the few people that kept me alive and living. she gave me a certain faith in humanity that i couldn't obtain from anyone else. but in the end, as i look back, i realize that she wasn't there for me because she particularly wanted to or felt compelled to, but because she was so used to being around me that she didn't even think twice about whether she really wanted to be or not. and most likely, problems that consumed me at the time didn't matter to her, and over time, have only mattered less and less to her because she feels so comfortable around me. it seems ironic that time would cause someone to feel less and less lax with their "best friend(?)", but in this case it doesn't surprise me and it really is something that i should have realised earlier. she really isn't a friend to me anymore, and probably hasn't been for quite some time now.
the past is important. if we didn't look back on it and understand and learn from it, then the world would probably be in a much worse state than it already is right now. but katherine is so critical of what has happened in her past, that she refuses to let go of the wrong doings of others, and because of that will probably never move on. self-reliance is important, but it really shouldn't dominate a person's life the way it has in hers. if she wants to continue to be bitter about it, than frankly, she can be bitter alone. and in her case, it will probably be for the better.
hunter was, for the most part a much less significant part of my life now than i ever imagined he could be about two or three years ago. if i learned anything from my experiences with him, it was that even pure and unadultered dedication can't solve any relationship problem. chemistry is self-sustaining and works on it's own, misguided and unpredictable path. it somewhat bothers me when people ask me today about him as if i still cared.
the more i write and write, the more i feel disgusted with it. it, like feelings, just build and build until i have to spil them out. not because i particularly want to -- but because it just feels necessary in order to keep on going. sometimes i think about how i should act, or how i should be and every side of the square i turn to just seems incorrect and in the end, probably cruel or bad in some fashion or another. i wish i could properly cultivate my feelings into something that was meaningful and tangeable right now, more than anything. but because my life lacks so much meaning right now, i find that there really isn't any drive or inspiration for me to try and prove otherwise, even if it is just to a journal or an invisible audience.
helping others is extremely important to me, but lately i find myself just wanted to shut myself in my room and be alone and read books all day. i haven't felt this compelled to read in quite some time, but right now it seems a lot more appealing than surrounding myself in the people that are my friends. any normal person would probably be in heaven right now if they were able to be reunited with everyone they cared about in real life, but the problem is it just doesn't work out as ideally as it seems. i find myself more often getting agitated with those that i care for rather than appreciating their presence, and if anything it just proves to me day after day that i'm slowly becoming less and less of a human being. the most exciting thing to me these days is work. i anticipate it as if it were recess in elementary school, and when i'm not at work the most i can do to keep myself happy is busy myself with something -- do dishes, do laundry, do something. anything just to keep my mind occupied. and after all is said and done, it probably is pretty cowardly. but honestly at this point, i feel like i already realize this, and realize how my actions reflect and what they mean long before they even happen.
it makes me feel pretty safe, but when someone is aware of what they do wrong, it leaves them with no excuses, right? the only problem is, the right path really isn't as obvious to me as it should be.
.
"what do you mean by absorbed?"
"it's as if when you're in the forest, you become a seamless part of it. when you're in the rain, you're a part of the rain. when you're in the morning, you're a seamless part of the morning. when you're with me, you become a part of me."
"when you're with me, then, you're a seamless part of me?"
"that's true."
"what does it feel like? to be yourself and part of me at the same time?"
she looks straight at me and touches her hairpin. "it's very natural. once you're used to it, it's quite simple. like flying."
"you can fly?"
we are for each other, then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
and death i think is no parenthesis
katherine was, at one point in my life, one of the few people that kept me alive and living. she gave me a certain faith in humanity that i couldn't obtain from anyone else. but in the end, as i look back, i realize that she wasn't there for me because she particularly wanted to or felt compelled to, but because she was so used to being around me that she didn't even think twice about whether she really wanted to be or not. and most likely, problems that consumed me at the time didn't matter to her, and over time, have only mattered less and less to her because she feels so comfortable around me. it seems ironic that time would cause someone to feel less and less lax with their "best friend(?)", but in this case it doesn't surprise me and it really is something that i should have realised earlier. she really isn't a friend to me anymore, and probably hasn't been for quite some time now.
the past is important. if we didn't look back on it and understand and learn from it, then the world would probably be in a much worse state than it already is right now. but katherine is so critical of what has happened in her past, that she refuses to let go of the wrong doings of others, and because of that will probably never move on. self-reliance is important, but it really shouldn't dominate a person's life the way it has in hers. if she wants to continue to be bitter about it, than frankly, she can be bitter alone. and in her case, it will probably be for the better.
hunter was, for the most part a much less significant part of my life now than i ever imagined he could be about two or three years ago. if i learned anything from my experiences with him, it was that even pure and unadultered dedication can't solve any relationship problem. chemistry is self-sustaining and works on it's own, misguided and unpredictable path. it somewhat bothers me when people ask me today about him as if i still cared.
the more i write and write, the more i feel disgusted with it. it, like feelings, just build and build until i have to spil them out. not because i particularly want to -- but because it just feels necessary in order to keep on going. sometimes i think about how i should act, or how i should be and every side of the square i turn to just seems incorrect and in the end, probably cruel or bad in some fashion or another. i wish i could properly cultivate my feelings into something that was meaningful and tangeable right now, more than anything. but because my life lacks so much meaning right now, i find that there really isn't any drive or inspiration for me to try and prove otherwise, even if it is just to a journal or an invisible audience.
helping others is extremely important to me, but lately i find myself just wanted to shut myself in my room and be alone and read books all day. i haven't felt this compelled to read in quite some time, but right now it seems a lot more appealing than surrounding myself in the people that are my friends. any normal person would probably be in heaven right now if they were able to be reunited with everyone they cared about in real life, but the problem is it just doesn't work out as ideally as it seems. i find myself more often getting agitated with those that i care for rather than appreciating their presence, and if anything it just proves to me day after day that i'm slowly becoming less and less of a human being. the most exciting thing to me these days is work. i anticipate it as if it were recess in elementary school, and when i'm not at work the most i can do to keep myself happy is busy myself with something -- do dishes, do laundry, do something. anything just to keep my mind occupied. and after all is said and done, it probably is pretty cowardly. but honestly at this point, i feel like i already realize this, and realize how my actions reflect and what they mean long before they even happen.
it makes me feel pretty safe, but when someone is aware of what they do wrong, it leaves them with no excuses, right? the only problem is, the right path really isn't as obvious to me as it should be.
.
"what do you mean by absorbed?"
"it's as if when you're in the forest, you become a seamless part of it. when you're in the rain, you're a part of the rain. when you're in the morning, you're a seamless part of the morning. when you're with me, you become a part of me."
"when you're with me, then, you're a seamless part of me?"
"that's true."
"what does it feel like? to be yourself and part of me at the same time?"
she looks straight at me and touches her hairpin. "it's very natural. once you're used to it, it's quite simple. like flying."
"you can fly?"
we are for each other, then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
and death i think is no parenthesis