promoted to leader, reluctantly
this morning is the last time i will be sleeping in my own house for a few days.. i will be leaving to Oregon. i have to admit that i'm somewhat pensive about the entire thing, being that the person we're going to visit was extremely spiteful of me for quite some time.. but hopefully most of that is gone, or at least can be overlooked so that things can go well. even though katja keeps insisting that i stay with her there for the entire time, i feel like the entire experience would be a lot more meaningful for her if i wasn't actually there. it's a lot easier to get closer with people and spend time with them without having to be concerned about someone else.
more than anything, i really hope that she finds what she's looking for there. i too have journeyed far across the country in order for some sort of signal from someone that they want to keep moving, going.. it's a risk that results in a lot of vulnerability.
i have to admit that i am getting pretty tired of being put in a place where i am forced to lead and make decisions for other people -- i never wanted it. it is becoming increasingly difficult to trace the border between taking charge -- the dull patriarchy, and independence. they scare me to the core, and i know better that i'm not prepared for such a task, nor would i ever feel comfortable with embracing it as a part of my personality. this isn't me, this isn't me. if it were possible, i'd take the back seat any day over the steering wheel.
these days, the only thing my mind has been seeing are fireworks. fireworks and cogs, endlessly chugging and turning(my soul dies before it). expand, bloom, invert, suck, divide.
my head feels like a balloon, and for the most part i really wish there were a string attatched to it so i could just let it go and fly up.
changes appear in the distance, and i can see them waving.
more than anything, i really hope that she finds what she's looking for there. i too have journeyed far across the country in order for some sort of signal from someone that they want to keep moving, going.. it's a risk that results in a lot of vulnerability.
i have to admit that i am getting pretty tired of being put in a place where i am forced to lead and make decisions for other people -- i never wanted it. it is becoming increasingly difficult to trace the border between taking charge -- the dull patriarchy, and independence. they scare me to the core, and i know better that i'm not prepared for such a task, nor would i ever feel comfortable with embracing it as a part of my personality. this isn't me, this isn't me. if it were possible, i'd take the back seat any day over the steering wheel.
these days, the only thing my mind has been seeing are fireworks. fireworks and cogs, endlessly chugging and turning(my soul dies before it). expand, bloom, invert, suck, divide.
my head feels like a balloon, and for the most part i really wish there were a string attatched to it so i could just let it go and fly up.
changes appear in the distance, and i can see them waving.