Invisible Me
God, this weekend has sucked.
Ever since Cay and I stopped being real friends in December, I've noticed how invisible I am to everyone in this house. Usually I've had one person here who I could really consider a friend. Now it's just aquaintances I live with. People walk right by me and don't even notice me. If I try to join a conversation, they act surprised and say "Oh, Beth, have you been down here this whole time?" Yes. Yes I have. I'm just not important enough for you to notice. People invite other people to do things right in front of me, leaving me out. That's been on my mind a lot.
Yesterday, my roommates were talking about their adventures going out dancing the night before. That's fine. I've been sick and I don't like paying exorbitant prices to drink and then become the butt of people's jokes anyway. But then they started talking about some girl Cay has her eye on. And earlier I heard snippets of a conversation implying that she has a date tonight. I lost it. I gathered up my stuff and huffed out, saying that I really fucking hate being lied to. If you'll recall, 3 months ago Cay told me that she was too fucked up to date anyone (not that I asked for a relationship mind you, but I was wondering why she had shunned me after a week of being all over me and an apparent months-long crush). I asked what the real reason was, since everyone knows the "I'm too fucked up to date right now" line is bullshit. She assured me it was the truth. Well, apparently she thinks I'm the biggest fucking idiot in the world. I don't even want to date her immature ass anymore. I just want to know what the real reason is. I don't understand how you go from a months-long crush to being repulsed by someone in the span of a week. I'd blame it on my lack of makeup and heels (she loves things that are coded female, though she just uncritically thinks they are somehow a celebration of womanhood), but I've never worn makeup and heels. I want someone to watch nerdy TV and talk about feminism with again, but I don't think that's going to happen as long as I keep getting enraged by being lied to. (And I was enraged: I cleaned my room and then had to take a 3 hour nap from the drain following the adrenaline rush.)
I'm tired of being told I'm so awesome and then being rejected. I'm not your type, that's fine. Wevs. I'm plenty of people's type. But Quinton fucking married me and then shoved me aside, even though I was "perfect." David and I can't date anymore because I can't take yet another random rejection from him.
Oh and speaking of talking about feminism- I sure as hell can't talk about it with my roommate Ana. Best quote of the weekend from her, "But really, today, what privileges do men have over women?" Oh, Ana is Cay's new house best friend, by the way.
I'm afraid my anger is a result of not being on anti-depressants, but I'm NOT going back on them. All they do is change the way my depression manifests, they don't make me less depressed. If anything, I get more suicidal when on them. Plus I think they make me fat. And yes, I've been on several. I don't really feel "depressed" right now. I just know that I can get really angry when I'm not on anti-depressants.
About the only good thing is that I have an interview at a museum next Friday. I just hope I'm together enough to not blow it.
Ever since Cay and I stopped being real friends in December, I've noticed how invisible I am to everyone in this house. Usually I've had one person here who I could really consider a friend. Now it's just aquaintances I live with. People walk right by me and don't even notice me. If I try to join a conversation, they act surprised and say "Oh, Beth, have you been down here this whole time?" Yes. Yes I have. I'm just not important enough for you to notice. People invite other people to do things right in front of me, leaving me out. That's been on my mind a lot.
Yesterday, my roommates were talking about their adventures going out dancing the night before. That's fine. I've been sick and I don't like paying exorbitant prices to drink and then become the butt of people's jokes anyway. But then they started talking about some girl Cay has her eye on. And earlier I heard snippets of a conversation implying that she has a date tonight. I lost it. I gathered up my stuff and huffed out, saying that I really fucking hate being lied to. If you'll recall, 3 months ago Cay told me that she was too fucked up to date anyone (not that I asked for a relationship mind you, but I was wondering why she had shunned me after a week of being all over me and an apparent months-long crush). I asked what the real reason was, since everyone knows the "I'm too fucked up to date right now" line is bullshit. She assured me it was the truth. Well, apparently she thinks I'm the biggest fucking idiot in the world. I don't even want to date her immature ass anymore. I just want to know what the real reason is. I don't understand how you go from a months-long crush to being repulsed by someone in the span of a week. I'd blame it on my lack of makeup and heels (she loves things that are coded female, though she just uncritically thinks they are somehow a celebration of womanhood), but I've never worn makeup and heels. I want someone to watch nerdy TV and talk about feminism with again, but I don't think that's going to happen as long as I keep getting enraged by being lied to. (And I was enraged: I cleaned my room and then had to take a 3 hour nap from the drain following the adrenaline rush.)
I'm tired of being told I'm so awesome and then being rejected. I'm not your type, that's fine. Wevs. I'm plenty of people's type. But Quinton fucking married me and then shoved me aside, even though I was "perfect." David and I can't date anymore because I can't take yet another random rejection from him.
Oh and speaking of talking about feminism- I sure as hell can't talk about it with my roommate Ana. Best quote of the weekend from her, "But really, today, what privileges do men have over women?" Oh, Ana is Cay's new house best friend, by the way.
I'm afraid my anger is a result of not being on anti-depressants, but I'm NOT going back on them. All they do is change the way my depression manifests, they don't make me less depressed. If anything, I get more suicidal when on them. Plus I think they make me fat. And yes, I've been on several. I don't really feel "depressed" right now. I just know that I can get really angry when I'm not on anti-depressants.
About the only good thing is that I have an interview at a museum next Friday. I just hope I'm together enough to not blow it.