HeeChul Is Mistaken
Title: HeeChul Is Mistaken
Pairing: SiChul
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Summary: HeeChul has promised to tell SiWon something important, but the older one is too afraid to lose SiWon, so he backs off, SiWon thinks.
AN: Belated birthday gift for jasmin0304. So happy birthday and sorry that it's so rushed. Please don't be mad. It's not what you wanted though...
HeeChul inhales deeply as he looks at the person in front of him. He will rather just escape than deal with the upcoming.
"You promised, hyung," SiWon remembers him with a reproachful glance and HeeChul can only nod. He swallows the lump in his throat. "But I have to go now. For my schedule," he tries one last time to get out of this and find an excuse.
"But you promised!" SiWon repeats and HeeChul sighs. "I know," he mutters, a little bit frustrated because he realizes that he won't get out. There is no chance. He will destroy everything. He just knows it. And he can't even do anything. Otherwise he will lose SiWon for sure. So either way, he'll be in trouble.
At least, when he chooses to talk, there is a theoretically chance for a good response.
SiWon observes HeeChul, patiently waiting for an answer. For the truth.
And HeeChul swallows one more time. He looks up. Meets eyes with SiWon. They are beautiful. And he almost loses it then and there. But HeeChul manages to stay composed and he just smiles. Thoughts of a happy ending cross his mind. His smile grows when he mutters one word. "You."
SiWon narrows his eyes. "Hyung! You wanted to tell me!" he exclaimes with a pout.
"I did. You," HeeChul repeats once again before he quickly turns around and almost runs out of the dorm.
SiWon stays there and watches his hyung leave.
HeeChul looks back over his shoulder. His heart shudders at the disappointment in SiWon's eyes. He winces when, even though he has turned around and left the building by now, he still has that image in his mind. It won't leave.
And when HeeChul sits in the car and the driver heads to the airport for HeeChul's photoshoot is in Japan, the Super Junior member takes out his phone.
He opens a new message to send to SiWon, but he needs almost three minutes until he is satisfied with what he has written there.
It was the truth.
HeeChul suddenly feels cold as he waits patiently for an answer.
Hyung, you promised to tell me, so why didn't you? I already waited all this time.
HeeChul stares at his phone. He doesn't know if he shall laugh or cry. It is almost ridiculous, he thinks, as he once again replies.
But it is the truth. I'm serious, SiWon.
HeeChul looks out of the window. The small smile leaves his beautiful face and tears start to find their way to his eyes. He wants to cry. It is the truth. Why won't SiWon believe him? HeeChul regrets that he smiled because that probably caused the misunderstanding.
HeeChul sighs once again and closes his eyes.
*Flashback*
"I don't know what to do, Teukie. I can't change my heart or my feelings. I can't change the choice of my heart for the people I love," HeeChul says with a sigh.
"I don't know either. You have to decide what's the best," LeeTeuk says before he leaves the room with a reassuring smile on his lips. As the leader is walking out, SiWon is about to enter the room. "What are you talking about?" he asks in curiosity.
"Nothing," HeeChul replies quickly, maybe a little bit too quickly.
SiWon frowns and inspects HeeChul in concern. "Are you alright, hyung? You were talking about someone, right? Someone you like?"
"N-No," HeeChul answers. LeeTeuk has already left and HeeChul wants to kill him for leaving him in here alone.
SiWon starts to smirk. It seems as if he suddenly realizes something. "Tell me, hyung. I always tell you everything about me, too!"
HeeChul knows it's true. And he just feels too down to deny everything right now. He looks away as he mumbles. "Yes, there is a person I like."
"Tell me who it is!"
"No!" HeeChul immediately exclaims. He can never say who it is.
"Oh, hyung, please. Who could it be? Can I guess?" SiWon asks, getting more and more excited.
"No!" HeeChul repeats once again.
"Okay, so..someone from a girl group? Or a solo singer? Or someone who isn't famous?" SiWon wants to know. His eyes are shining.
HeeChul looks into them. They are best friends. He still can't tell the truth. And it's killing him, because these shining eyes, these honest eyes are pleading him to finally tell SiWon about the person.
HeeChul looks away. "That someone is popular as well," he admits.
"Girl group or solo singer? Or an actress?" SiWon asks and finally, he calms down enough to sit down next to HeeChul while still watching him with a bright smile in anticipation.
But HeeChul refuses to answer. "I won't say that."
"But why? Do I know her?"
HeeChul shakes his head.
"No? But why won't you tell me the name if I don't even know that girl?" the younger one asks.
HeeChul remains still. He avoids SiWon's eyes and tries to figure out a good answer. "You'll hate me for that," HeeChul eventually confesses.
"Why? Hyung, I'd never hate you!" SiWon states.
HeeChul sighs. "You will. I know it."
"Why would I hate you, hyung? We are best friends!"
"You won't hate me exactly. Just feel...angry? Sad? Disappointed?" HeeChul rather asks than states.
It confuses SiWon. HeeChul can see it in his expression. "Why would that be? Don't worry. No such thing will happen!" SiWon tries to reassure HeeChul, but the older one stays firm and won't give in.
"You'll be like that."
"Why? Who is it then? Is it someone I like, too? But hyung, right now, I don't have someone I'm in love with. It's not as if it's another guy or a bitch, right? Because your taste is good. I'm sure I won't be angry," SiWon says, a convincing smile on his lips, but HeeChul doesn't believe it. He almost winces at SiWon's statement, but shakes his head. "I won't say anything anymore," he announces.
"Please, hyung, please," SiWon begs and HeeChul regrets looking at the younger one in that very moment. He can't stand seeing SiWon upset like this. So he sighs as he suggests. "In three weeks. Before I'm leaving for the photoshoot in Japan. Then, I'll tell you."
"Promise?" SiWon asks, suddenly finding hope.
HeeChul nods. He doesn't realize to what he has agreed to right then.
*End of Flashback*
HeeChul wants to scream. Now, it has been far too late. If he hasn't wanted to lose SiWon's trust and thus lose his friendship, he would have needed to confess. And so, he did.
And here, he is. Almost crying. This won't end well. He just knows.
His phone vibrates, announcing a new message.
HeeChul breathes in deeply, before he looks down to read it almost reluctantly as he is afraid of what SiWon's answer is.
So I was the one you were talking about the whole time?
HeeChul feels anger rise inside of him. Why is SiWon so dense sometimes? Of course, it is him. If HeeChul says 'you' as a reply to SiWon's question, toward SiWon, who is he probably talking about?
HeeChul groans quietly as he answers.
Yes.
He just wishes that SiWon will stop asking. It hurts, confirming that he was the one HeeChul was in love with when the older one knows all to well that SiWon is never gay anyway and that with saying this, he just destroys their friendship. It doesn't matter how often it is said that nothing will change after such a confession, HeeChul knows better. Something will change and without them knowing, they'll grow distant because SiWon keeps some more space than usually between them. HeeChul just knows. It's always like this. And he doesn't blame the younger one.
HeeChul has been so afraid, but now, it's all too late.
Hyung...it's okay. I'm just surprised because I haven't expected this... SiWon replies eventually.
HeeChul shakes his head. It's just the start of the end. And HeeChul is the tragic hero who won't find love and will die with the pain of losing his best friend just because he couldn't shut up. He already hangs on the edge.
--
Later, HeeChul sits in the plane. His heart is aching. He wants to cry. Why is he feeling so upset? It's not that SiWon has rejected him yet. But HeeChul can't bring himself to even smile.
--
HeeChul looks at the sky. He wonders if SiWon is looking up there as well right now. He wonders if SiWon even thinks of him. Or if SiWon hates him now. And a tear runs down his face.
HeeChul huffs. This isn't him. Why is he crying? He never cries. Not over something like this. What kind of sickening romantic shit is this, he wonders furiously.
Stars are shining and brightening up the black sky.
HeeChul groans. He rather wants to scream. He wants to scream out his frustration. All his anger. Every emotion that still is left in him.
He can't sleep this night. He has already finished his schedule in Japan. The next morning, he is going to return to Korea. He's going to return to the Super Junior dorm. He'll meet SiWon.
He doesn't want to imagine what will happen. That will be more than awkward. Again, he just knows.
--
HeeChul inhales deeply. He is standing in front of the door to the Super Junior dorm. He doesn't want to enter. But he has to. He can't stay outside forever.
The thing he most fears is being alone with SiWon right now. And he knows that that is going to happen sooner or later because he shares his room with him.
HeeChul eventually puts his key in the lock and opens the door. Quietly, he slips in with his bags in his hand and quickly rushes to his room. His heart is racing. He just hopes that SiWon isn't there. Maybe he has a schedule. HeeChul doesn't want to meet him just yet.
He carefully opens the door. A quick look inside and a relieved sigh leaves his lips as he realizes that SiWon isn't there.
He hastily puts his bags down on his bed before he goes out of his room and looks for LeeTeuk.
"Hey, I'm back," HeeChul says with a smile which covers his depressed mood.
"HeeChul. I haven't heard you coming in!" LeeTeuk exclaims and goes to hug the younger one. HeeChul has found him in the kitchen along with KyuHyun, SungMin, DongHae and YeSung.
"Yeah," HeeChul just mumbles. His smile threatens to leave his face, so he quickly looks away and turns around to go back to his room.
"Do you want to eat something with us?" SungMin suggests, but HeeChul shakes his head. "I'm not hungry. I have already eaten," he lies and almost runs back to his room when he hears a click at the front door. Someone is coming in.
HeeChul reaches for his pajamas and hurries to the bathroom. He manages to lock himself in before the newcomer, and HeeChul is sure it's SiWon, enters their room.
HeeChul strips himself off his clothes and takes a hot shower, washing the tears, which are starting to fall down his cheeks once again, away.
His heart feels like bursting. He feels it breaking even more. It hurts. He doesn't know how to act in front of SiWon when he'll meet him. He just doesn't know what to do. And that is a new feeling for HeeChul. That's why he has no clue how to deal with the problem. He has no idea what he can do now. And that feeling kills him inside.
Even though the shower is on, HeeChul is able to hear the knock at the door followed by a deep voice. "Hyung, I want to talk to you. Can you please come out?"
"I take a shower, SiWon!" HeeChul yells back, but he realizes then that his voice isn't as strong and confident as it usually is. He just ignores that fact though and doesn't say anything anymore, continuing to enjoy the hot water on his skin.
But eventually, after hours in the shower, the time was there when he has to leave the bathroom and needs to return to his own room.
HeeChul feels uncomfortable as he wears his pajamas and slowly unlocks the door. He looks at the clock at the wall and realizes that it's already past midnight.
SiWon hasn't waited for him to return. Not the entire time the older one has needed to get out of the bathroom, so HeeChul regains more confidence as he reaches his room and opens the door silently. He doesn't intend to wake SiWon up now and have to talk to him right now still. So HeeChul quietly sneaks in and heads to his bed where he lies down and pulls the blanket up to his chin. It's a strange feeling, being in the same room as SiWon. It makes HeeChul feel a little bit excited and he wishes once more that SiWon just won't hate him. Won't hate gay people. Will be able to forget his religion for a minute.
HeeChul doesn't move. He tries to listen to SiWon's even breathing, but there is no even breathing.
HeeChul sits up in confusion and looks over to the bed, trying to figure out if the younger one is even there.
"It took you quite some time," SiWon suddenly whispers.
HeeChul almost falls out of bed when he hears SiWon talk. "Y-You're still awake?" he asks in shock. It is a stupid question and he regrets asking in the first place, but he can't change that the other one makes him feel dizzy, uncomfortable and scared while still being confused, hopeful and clueless. There are way too many feelings right now and HeeChul isn't able to answer anymore when SiWon begins. "Yes. I waited for you. I told you I wanted to talk to you. I know it's late already, but can we talk now?"
SiWon waits for any kind of response, but as he doesn't receive one, he sits up as well to look at the older one's bed. "HeeChul hyung? Are you asleep?"
HeeChul swallows. "No. What is it that you need to talk about?"
SiWon smiles when he finally gets a reply and continues. "It's about you and what you told me. You know, about-"
"SiWon, just forget it, okay? Please, just forget that day," HeeChul hisses. His voice sounds angry, but it's not because of SiWon, but because of himself. He is angry with himself that he even is in this kind of situation. He still regrets having said something about his feelings in the first place.
"No, HeeChul. I can't forget that. So please, let's talk, okay?" SiWon asks.
"SiWon, please." HeeChul finds himself almost pleading. He lies down again and turns his back toward SiWon. He doesn't want to see anything anymore. He doesn't want to hear anything anymore.
He doesn't want anything else to be said anymore.
HeeChul breathes out in relief as he can't hear anything anymore. SiWon finally listens.
But all of a sudden, a hand on his shoulder startles him and this time, HeeChul does fall out of his bed.
"Ouch," he mumbles faintly as he rubs his back.
"Are you okay?" SiWon immediately asks in concern and HeeChul smiles slightly. So SiWon still cares that much for him. He isn't as disgusted as HeeChul has thought.
"Yeah," HeeChul answers, but his voice is weak. His head suddenly feels dizzy and he grabs the edge of his bed.
SiWon picks him up from the ground and puts him on his bed.
HeeChul groans quietly, but as he realizes that SiWon is still touching him, he blushes. He can't believe it himself, but he instantly is glad that it's too dark to notice his red face.
HeeChul feels SiWon is close to him. His mind and heart are going crazy. HeeChul doesn't want this. Not when SiWon is now only feeling guilty. So HeeChul pushes SiWon away and crawles further back to bring some distance between them.
SiWon is surprised at first, but then leaves to go to bed. "Okay, we'll talk tomorrow," he announces and before HeeChul can protest, there is an even breathing heard, a sign that SiWon seems to be too tired to stay awake any longer.
HeeChul isn't able to sleep right now. Not when his heart is racing. He can't bring himself to calm down. So he lies awake almost the whole night.
--
HeeChul is dreaming of SiWon as he finally falls asleep. SiWon is there. With him. He leans down. They kiss. And HeeChul feels like he's in heaven. This amazing feeling. Even in his dreams, it feels real. In reality, it will feel even more amazing. HeeChul just knows, but he also knows that that won't happen ever. And it makes him sad. He's still trapped in his dream as tears fall down his cheeks once again, because he hates the truth that tells him that his wishes won't come true.
Although HeeChul has already kissed SiWon on concerts, it has never been with emotions. It has never been true kisses. Never.
It just lets HeeChul feel empty. He wants to move. To turn and writhe. But he can't, Something is keeping him in place. Something is holding him down. And HeeChul wants to scream, but he doesn't.
He feels SiWon kiss him. A calm smile comes back to his face. HeeChul's eye lids flatter for a few seconds before he opens his eyes fully. And immediately shrieks at the sight in front of him.
SiWon is there. He looks down at the older one. HeeChul's breath hitches.
SiWon smiles. "Are you okay?" he asks softly.
HeeChul just nods.
"You seemed to have a nightmare, so I woke you up. Sorry," SiWon explains.
HeeChul just shakes his head. "I didn't, but it's okay," he mumbles as he tries to get further away from SiWon. He can't stand the closeness if he knows that there won't be anything between them and that SiWon probably thinks he's disgusting.
SiWon leaves the room with a quick "I'm taking a shower."
HeeChul is surprised as he is alone once again. SiWon has been so close. So close. HeeChul feels butterflies in his stomach. How he hates that feeling. But SiWon being that close, does it mean that everything is still okay between them? HeeChul isn't sure yet, but he can't help, but to believe it is.
So with a smile, he waits until he can use the bathroom as well. SiWon isn't there anymore when the older one arrives there to take a shower, too. HeeChul is relieved because he doesn't know if he can take it if he will see SiWon barely dressed.
After his shower, HeeChul enters the kitchen for breakfast. SiWon is there as well, along with LeeTeuk, RyeoWook, YeSung and SungMin.
"Morning," he mumbles and the other members immediately reply happily.
HeeChul doesn't dare to look at SiWon at first. He just sits down and eats.
Only after almost ten minutes, he looks up and at SiWon who is talking with YeSung. SiWon doesn't look back, and for a moment, HeeChul is thankful for that, but then, he changes his mind. He wants SiWon to look back. He wants to see SiWon smile at him.
SiWon finally leaves the table after he's finished and soon, HeeChul follows, because he has eaten his breakfast, too. He has to return to his room. To their room which he is sharing with SiWon and so, the fear comes back. Fear of meeting SiWon and everything will be awkward between them.
HeeChul breathes in and out deeply, before he opens the door and comes in. SiWon is lying on his bed and reading.
HeeChul observes him for a few seconds, before he says "Hi." He wants SiWon to notice him. He wants to see a reaction. He wants to see what's going on now.
SiWon turns his head around. "Hi," he says back, but added nothing else. Instead, he continues to read.
HeeChul has to admit to himself that he is a little bit disappointed. "Uhm...what are you reading?" he asks in another attempt to start a conversation.
"Bible," SiWon answers with one word and HeeChul hasn't anything else to say anymore.
He sighs silently as he walks over to his own bed and lets himself fall down. It's going to be awkward again. He has lost. He turns on his music player and puts earphones on. If SiWon doesn't want to talk with him anymore, it will be fine with HeeChul. He won't care. Even though his heart is already breaking and he wants to cry.
He regrets having said the truth. He just wishes to turn back time and not say the truth. He will rather stay quiet than lose SiWon. But now, it's already too late. The worst is not that SiWon doesn't feel the same and never will. The worst is that HeeChul has destroyed their frienship. And the trust that he has lost won't come back. He won't be able to win SiWon's friendship back that easily. If ever.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on the view, they both have a schedule together that day. HeeChul notices it is time for them to go, but SiWon is still reading. Shall the older one just leave SiWon here? He can't do that. So he hesitantly approaches SiWon and touches his shoulder. "SiWon?" he asks uneasily.
SiWon looks up at him. "Hm?"
"We have to leave," HeeChul says eventually.
With a look at the clock, SiWon sits up and gets ready. "Oh, yeah, you're right. Thank you."
"...No problem," HeeChul mumbles. He thinks of the conversation SiWon wants to do with him, but doesn't remind the younger one, because HeeChul is sick of feeling down. He doesn't want to even think of what he has done anymore.
--
It is evening and HeeChul is too tired for anything as he throws himself on his bed with a groan.
SiWon puts his bag down next to his own. "Are you going to bed now?" he asks the older one.
"Hm, yeah, I'm too tired," HeeChul says with a sigh. He remembers the conversation again, and again, he won't remind SiWon.
"Good night, hyung," SiWon says as he comes closer to HeeChul's bed.
HeeChul nods as he stands up to get his pajamas. "Good night," he replies. Before he can do anything, SiWon is hugging him. "Good night hug," he announces with a smile.
They usually hug each other before going to bed, but HeeChul has never expected that right now. He is rather surprised right now, but hugs back nonetheless, because he is quite thankful for SiWon's move. It means that not everything is lost yet.
SiWon smiles at him as he leaves the room.
--
HeeChul is lying in bed. He is still awake. He has said that he wants to go to sleep. He is tired. But he can't fall asleep.
It's past midnight when SiWon comes in. He is quiet as he undresses and wears his shirt for sleeping. He lies down in bed and HeeChul feels the urge to just run to him and say sorry. Thousands of times sorry.
But he doesn't. He can't.
So he stays in bed, not moving, not speaking, and waits until SiWon is asleep.
But HeeChul doesn't sleep that night. He just won't fall asleep. He just waits for a new day.
--
SiWon is moving. He mumbles in his sleep. He is going to wake up now. HeeChul knows it and he stays in bed. Still. Because he hasn't slept and he is tired.
SiWon sits up and rubs his eyes. He looks out of the window. And then at HeeChul, realizing that the older one is awake. "Hyung, you are already awake?" he asks, because SiWon knows that it's not HeeChul's time. It is too early.
HeeChul curses silently because he has hoped that SiWon won't notice, but he has been wrong. "Yes."
"Haven't you slept well?" SiWon asks in concern.
HeeChul smiles a little bit. SiWon is worried. That means that he still cares for HeeChul. "I..." But HeeChul, being too distracted with being happy, can't think of a good answer instantly.
"You know we still wanted to talk, right?" SiWon suddenly announces and HeeChul sighs quietly, but nods. "Yeah, I know."
He has hoped for this moment not to come. Ever.
"I'm sorry it took so long for me now. I just wanted to think it through...thoroughly," SiWon says and turns to face HeeChul.
HeeChul looks away. "You don't need to apologize."
SiWon stands up and comes to sit on HeeChul's bed, directly in front of him, so that HeeChul has no other choice than looking at the younger one.
"SiWon, let's just forget everything. I know, I was wrong. I didn't mean it like that, you know?" HeeChul started, trying to talk himself out of the situation.
"You did mean it, hyung. Please say the truth. Don't lie!" SiWon demands. HeeChul doesn't reply.
"I just...," SiWon begins, but doesn't finish his sentence. "I don't know how to say it..." HeeChul looks up, finally, to see a helpless SiWon, laughing softly in embarrassment and rubbing his neck.
HeeChul can't help but smile. SiWon looks way too cute that way. How can anyone ever resist him anyway, the older one wonders, but doesn't say anything out loud.
He is too busy with his own thoughts, that he doesn't see it coming. He can't react. He can't stop SiWon. And he doesn't want to as the younger one puts his lips on HeeChul. Slowly. Carefully.
"Sorry...?" SiWon asks afterwards, rather hesitantly.
HeeChul guesses that the younger one doesn't quite know what he has done there. He probably has thought about this these past days, the whole time, but still, SiWon doesn't know about being gay. About being in love with someone of the same gender.
HeeChul though, is totally confused. He just stares at SiWon, not knowing anything either.
And so, they just sit there, in front of each other. It is awkward, but when the door is opened suddenly, they back away from each other.
"Morning. Breakfast is ready," EunHyuk says with a happy smile.
Every morning, someone is coming in to wake the members. Always the same kind of way. And it annoys HeeChul every morning once again.
But this time, it is the first time that he is thankful to EunHyuk coming in.
As EunHyuk leaves again, HeeChul turns to SiWon and wants to stand up. "You've heard him."
But SiWon holds him back on the wrist. "I'm not sure about this yet, HeeChul. I choose this because I don't want to see you in pain anymore. I like you a lot, too. I know, it's wrong, but maybe, we can...try," SiWon says, almost too fast for HeeChul to understand.
HeeChul is staring at SiWon once again, not believing what he has heard, but it is true. He only nods.
Maybe he isn't right this time. Maybe they can work it out. HeeChul gives SiWon a small smile. He rather wants to see SiWon kiss him to death, but for a start, this isn't bad either.
SiWon gets up and pulls HeeChul up with him. He squeezes the older one's hand briefly, before letting go and disappearing for breakfast.
Butterflies in HeeChul's stomach are causing HeeChul to feel slightly uneasy, but he will manage, he thinks, as he follows his new lover.
Pairing: SiChul
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Summary: HeeChul has promised to tell SiWon something important, but the older one is too afraid to lose SiWon, so he backs off, SiWon thinks.
AN: Belated birthday gift for jasmin0304. So happy birthday and sorry that it's so rushed. Please don't be mad. It's not what you wanted though...
HeeChul inhales deeply as he looks at the person in front of him. He will rather just escape than deal with the upcoming.
"You promised, hyung," SiWon remembers him with a reproachful glance and HeeChul can only nod. He swallows the lump in his throat. "But I have to go now. For my schedule," he tries one last time to get out of this and find an excuse.
"But you promised!" SiWon repeats and HeeChul sighs. "I know," he mutters, a little bit frustrated because he realizes that he won't get out. There is no chance. He will destroy everything. He just knows it. And he can't even do anything. Otherwise he will lose SiWon for sure. So either way, he'll be in trouble.
At least, when he chooses to talk, there is a theoretically chance for a good response.
SiWon observes HeeChul, patiently waiting for an answer. For the truth.
And HeeChul swallows one more time. He looks up. Meets eyes with SiWon. They are beautiful. And he almost loses it then and there. But HeeChul manages to stay composed and he just smiles. Thoughts of a happy ending cross his mind. His smile grows when he mutters one word. "You."
SiWon narrows his eyes. "Hyung! You wanted to tell me!" he exclaimes with a pout.
"I did. You," HeeChul repeats once again before he quickly turns around and almost runs out of the dorm.
SiWon stays there and watches his hyung leave.
HeeChul looks back over his shoulder. His heart shudders at the disappointment in SiWon's eyes. He winces when, even though he has turned around and left the building by now, he still has that image in his mind. It won't leave.
And when HeeChul sits in the car and the driver heads to the airport for HeeChul's photoshoot is in Japan, the Super Junior member takes out his phone.
He opens a new message to send to SiWon, but he needs almost three minutes until he is satisfied with what he has written there.
It was the truth.
HeeChul suddenly feels cold as he waits patiently for an answer.
Hyung, you promised to tell me, so why didn't you? I already waited all this time.
HeeChul stares at his phone. He doesn't know if he shall laugh or cry. It is almost ridiculous, he thinks, as he once again replies.
But it is the truth. I'm serious, SiWon.
HeeChul looks out of the window. The small smile leaves his beautiful face and tears start to find their way to his eyes. He wants to cry. It is the truth. Why won't SiWon believe him? HeeChul regrets that he smiled because that probably caused the misunderstanding.
HeeChul sighs once again and closes his eyes.
*Flashback*
"I don't know what to do, Teukie. I can't change my heart or my feelings. I can't change the choice of my heart for the people I love," HeeChul says with a sigh.
"I don't know either. You have to decide what's the best," LeeTeuk says before he leaves the room with a reassuring smile on his lips. As the leader is walking out, SiWon is about to enter the room. "What are you talking about?" he asks in curiosity.
"Nothing," HeeChul replies quickly, maybe a little bit too quickly.
SiWon frowns and inspects HeeChul in concern. "Are you alright, hyung? You were talking about someone, right? Someone you like?"
"N-No," HeeChul answers. LeeTeuk has already left and HeeChul wants to kill him for leaving him in here alone.
SiWon starts to smirk. It seems as if he suddenly realizes something. "Tell me, hyung. I always tell you everything about me, too!"
HeeChul knows it's true. And he just feels too down to deny everything right now. He looks away as he mumbles. "Yes, there is a person I like."
"Tell me who it is!"
"No!" HeeChul immediately exclaims. He can never say who it is.
"Oh, hyung, please. Who could it be? Can I guess?" SiWon asks, getting more and more excited.
"No!" HeeChul repeats once again.
"Okay, so..someone from a girl group? Or a solo singer? Or someone who isn't famous?" SiWon wants to know. His eyes are shining.
HeeChul looks into them. They are best friends. He still can't tell the truth. And it's killing him, because these shining eyes, these honest eyes are pleading him to finally tell SiWon about the person.
HeeChul looks away. "That someone is popular as well," he admits.
"Girl group or solo singer? Or an actress?" SiWon asks and finally, he calms down enough to sit down next to HeeChul while still watching him with a bright smile in anticipation.
But HeeChul refuses to answer. "I won't say that."
"But why? Do I know her?"
HeeChul shakes his head.
"No? But why won't you tell me the name if I don't even know that girl?" the younger one asks.
HeeChul remains still. He avoids SiWon's eyes and tries to figure out a good answer. "You'll hate me for that," HeeChul eventually confesses.
"Why? Hyung, I'd never hate you!" SiWon states.
HeeChul sighs. "You will. I know it."
"Why would I hate you, hyung? We are best friends!"
"You won't hate me exactly. Just feel...angry? Sad? Disappointed?" HeeChul rather asks than states.
It confuses SiWon. HeeChul can see it in his expression. "Why would that be? Don't worry. No such thing will happen!" SiWon tries to reassure HeeChul, but the older one stays firm and won't give in.
"You'll be like that."
"Why? Who is it then? Is it someone I like, too? But hyung, right now, I don't have someone I'm in love with. It's not as if it's another guy or a bitch, right? Because your taste is good. I'm sure I won't be angry," SiWon says, a convincing smile on his lips, but HeeChul doesn't believe it. He almost winces at SiWon's statement, but shakes his head. "I won't say anything anymore," he announces.
"Please, hyung, please," SiWon begs and HeeChul regrets looking at the younger one in that very moment. He can't stand seeing SiWon upset like this. So he sighs as he suggests. "In three weeks. Before I'm leaving for the photoshoot in Japan. Then, I'll tell you."
"Promise?" SiWon asks, suddenly finding hope.
HeeChul nods. He doesn't realize to what he has agreed to right then.
*End of Flashback*
HeeChul wants to scream. Now, it has been far too late. If he hasn't wanted to lose SiWon's trust and thus lose his friendship, he would have needed to confess. And so, he did.
And here, he is. Almost crying. This won't end well. He just knows.
His phone vibrates, announcing a new message.
HeeChul breathes in deeply, before he looks down to read it almost reluctantly as he is afraid of what SiWon's answer is.
So I was the one you were talking about the whole time?
HeeChul feels anger rise inside of him. Why is SiWon so dense sometimes? Of course, it is him. If HeeChul says 'you' as a reply to SiWon's question, toward SiWon, who is he probably talking about?
HeeChul groans quietly as he answers.
Yes.
He just wishes that SiWon will stop asking. It hurts, confirming that he was the one HeeChul was in love with when the older one knows all to well that SiWon is never gay anyway and that with saying this, he just destroys their friendship. It doesn't matter how often it is said that nothing will change after such a confession, HeeChul knows better. Something will change and without them knowing, they'll grow distant because SiWon keeps some more space than usually between them. HeeChul just knows. It's always like this. And he doesn't blame the younger one.
HeeChul has been so afraid, but now, it's all too late.
Hyung...it's okay. I'm just surprised because I haven't expected this... SiWon replies eventually.
HeeChul shakes his head. It's just the start of the end. And HeeChul is the tragic hero who won't find love and will die with the pain of losing his best friend just because he couldn't shut up. He already hangs on the edge.
--
Later, HeeChul sits in the plane. His heart is aching. He wants to cry. Why is he feeling so upset? It's not that SiWon has rejected him yet. But HeeChul can't bring himself to even smile.
--
HeeChul looks at the sky. He wonders if SiWon is looking up there as well right now. He wonders if SiWon even thinks of him. Or if SiWon hates him now. And a tear runs down his face.
HeeChul huffs. This isn't him. Why is he crying? He never cries. Not over something like this. What kind of sickening romantic shit is this, he wonders furiously.
Stars are shining and brightening up the black sky.
HeeChul groans. He rather wants to scream. He wants to scream out his frustration. All his anger. Every emotion that still is left in him.
He can't sleep this night. He has already finished his schedule in Japan. The next morning, he is going to return to Korea. He's going to return to the Super Junior dorm. He'll meet SiWon.
He doesn't want to imagine what will happen. That will be more than awkward. Again, he just knows.
--
HeeChul inhales deeply. He is standing in front of the door to the Super Junior dorm. He doesn't want to enter. But he has to. He can't stay outside forever.
The thing he most fears is being alone with SiWon right now. And he knows that that is going to happen sooner or later because he shares his room with him.
HeeChul eventually puts his key in the lock and opens the door. Quietly, he slips in with his bags in his hand and quickly rushes to his room. His heart is racing. He just hopes that SiWon isn't there. Maybe he has a schedule. HeeChul doesn't want to meet him just yet.
He carefully opens the door. A quick look inside and a relieved sigh leaves his lips as he realizes that SiWon isn't there.
He hastily puts his bags down on his bed before he goes out of his room and looks for LeeTeuk.
"Hey, I'm back," HeeChul says with a smile which covers his depressed mood.
"HeeChul. I haven't heard you coming in!" LeeTeuk exclaims and goes to hug the younger one. HeeChul has found him in the kitchen along with KyuHyun, SungMin, DongHae and YeSung.
"Yeah," HeeChul just mumbles. His smile threatens to leave his face, so he quickly looks away and turns around to go back to his room.
"Do you want to eat something with us?" SungMin suggests, but HeeChul shakes his head. "I'm not hungry. I have already eaten," he lies and almost runs back to his room when he hears a click at the front door. Someone is coming in.
HeeChul reaches for his pajamas and hurries to the bathroom. He manages to lock himself in before the newcomer, and HeeChul is sure it's SiWon, enters their room.
HeeChul strips himself off his clothes and takes a hot shower, washing the tears, which are starting to fall down his cheeks once again, away.
His heart feels like bursting. He feels it breaking even more. It hurts. He doesn't know how to act in front of SiWon when he'll meet him. He just doesn't know what to do. And that is a new feeling for HeeChul. That's why he has no clue how to deal with the problem. He has no idea what he can do now. And that feeling kills him inside.
Even though the shower is on, HeeChul is able to hear the knock at the door followed by a deep voice. "Hyung, I want to talk to you. Can you please come out?"
"I take a shower, SiWon!" HeeChul yells back, but he realizes then that his voice isn't as strong and confident as it usually is. He just ignores that fact though and doesn't say anything anymore, continuing to enjoy the hot water on his skin.
But eventually, after hours in the shower, the time was there when he has to leave the bathroom and needs to return to his own room.
HeeChul feels uncomfortable as he wears his pajamas and slowly unlocks the door. He looks at the clock at the wall and realizes that it's already past midnight.
SiWon hasn't waited for him to return. Not the entire time the older one has needed to get out of the bathroom, so HeeChul regains more confidence as he reaches his room and opens the door silently. He doesn't intend to wake SiWon up now and have to talk to him right now still. So HeeChul quietly sneaks in and heads to his bed where he lies down and pulls the blanket up to his chin. It's a strange feeling, being in the same room as SiWon. It makes HeeChul feel a little bit excited and he wishes once more that SiWon just won't hate him. Won't hate gay people. Will be able to forget his religion for a minute.
HeeChul doesn't move. He tries to listen to SiWon's even breathing, but there is no even breathing.
HeeChul sits up in confusion and looks over to the bed, trying to figure out if the younger one is even there.
"It took you quite some time," SiWon suddenly whispers.
HeeChul almost falls out of bed when he hears SiWon talk. "Y-You're still awake?" he asks in shock. It is a stupid question and he regrets asking in the first place, but he can't change that the other one makes him feel dizzy, uncomfortable and scared while still being confused, hopeful and clueless. There are way too many feelings right now and HeeChul isn't able to answer anymore when SiWon begins. "Yes. I waited for you. I told you I wanted to talk to you. I know it's late already, but can we talk now?"
SiWon waits for any kind of response, but as he doesn't receive one, he sits up as well to look at the older one's bed. "HeeChul hyung? Are you asleep?"
HeeChul swallows. "No. What is it that you need to talk about?"
SiWon smiles when he finally gets a reply and continues. "It's about you and what you told me. You know, about-"
"SiWon, just forget it, okay? Please, just forget that day," HeeChul hisses. His voice sounds angry, but it's not because of SiWon, but because of himself. He is angry with himself that he even is in this kind of situation. He still regrets having said something about his feelings in the first place.
"No, HeeChul. I can't forget that. So please, let's talk, okay?" SiWon asks.
"SiWon, please." HeeChul finds himself almost pleading. He lies down again and turns his back toward SiWon. He doesn't want to see anything anymore. He doesn't want to hear anything anymore.
He doesn't want anything else to be said anymore.
HeeChul breathes out in relief as he can't hear anything anymore. SiWon finally listens.
But all of a sudden, a hand on his shoulder startles him and this time, HeeChul does fall out of his bed.
"Ouch," he mumbles faintly as he rubs his back.
"Are you okay?" SiWon immediately asks in concern and HeeChul smiles slightly. So SiWon still cares that much for him. He isn't as disgusted as HeeChul has thought.
"Yeah," HeeChul answers, but his voice is weak. His head suddenly feels dizzy and he grabs the edge of his bed.
SiWon picks him up from the ground and puts him on his bed.
HeeChul groans quietly, but as he realizes that SiWon is still touching him, he blushes. He can't believe it himself, but he instantly is glad that it's too dark to notice his red face.
HeeChul feels SiWon is close to him. His mind and heart are going crazy. HeeChul doesn't want this. Not when SiWon is now only feeling guilty. So HeeChul pushes SiWon away and crawles further back to bring some distance between them.
SiWon is surprised at first, but then leaves to go to bed. "Okay, we'll talk tomorrow," he announces and before HeeChul can protest, there is an even breathing heard, a sign that SiWon seems to be too tired to stay awake any longer.
HeeChul isn't able to sleep right now. Not when his heart is racing. He can't bring himself to calm down. So he lies awake almost the whole night.
--
HeeChul is dreaming of SiWon as he finally falls asleep. SiWon is there. With him. He leans down. They kiss. And HeeChul feels like he's in heaven. This amazing feeling. Even in his dreams, it feels real. In reality, it will feel even more amazing. HeeChul just knows, but he also knows that that won't happen ever. And it makes him sad. He's still trapped in his dream as tears fall down his cheeks once again, because he hates the truth that tells him that his wishes won't come true.
Although HeeChul has already kissed SiWon on concerts, it has never been with emotions. It has never been true kisses. Never.
It just lets HeeChul feel empty. He wants to move. To turn and writhe. But he can't, Something is keeping him in place. Something is holding him down. And HeeChul wants to scream, but he doesn't.
He feels SiWon kiss him. A calm smile comes back to his face. HeeChul's eye lids flatter for a few seconds before he opens his eyes fully. And immediately shrieks at the sight in front of him.
SiWon is there. He looks down at the older one. HeeChul's breath hitches.
SiWon smiles. "Are you okay?" he asks softly.
HeeChul just nods.
"You seemed to have a nightmare, so I woke you up. Sorry," SiWon explains.
HeeChul just shakes his head. "I didn't, but it's okay," he mumbles as he tries to get further away from SiWon. He can't stand the closeness if he knows that there won't be anything between them and that SiWon probably thinks he's disgusting.
SiWon leaves the room with a quick "I'm taking a shower."
HeeChul is surprised as he is alone once again. SiWon has been so close. So close. HeeChul feels butterflies in his stomach. How he hates that feeling. But SiWon being that close, does it mean that everything is still okay between them? HeeChul isn't sure yet, but he can't help, but to believe it is.
So with a smile, he waits until he can use the bathroom as well. SiWon isn't there anymore when the older one arrives there to take a shower, too. HeeChul is relieved because he doesn't know if he can take it if he will see SiWon barely dressed.
After his shower, HeeChul enters the kitchen for breakfast. SiWon is there as well, along with LeeTeuk, RyeoWook, YeSung and SungMin.
"Morning," he mumbles and the other members immediately reply happily.
HeeChul doesn't dare to look at SiWon at first. He just sits down and eats.
Only after almost ten minutes, he looks up and at SiWon who is talking with YeSung. SiWon doesn't look back, and for a moment, HeeChul is thankful for that, but then, he changes his mind. He wants SiWon to look back. He wants to see SiWon smile at him.
SiWon finally leaves the table after he's finished and soon, HeeChul follows, because he has eaten his breakfast, too. He has to return to his room. To their room which he is sharing with SiWon and so, the fear comes back. Fear of meeting SiWon and everything will be awkward between them.
HeeChul breathes in and out deeply, before he opens the door and comes in. SiWon is lying on his bed and reading.
HeeChul observes him for a few seconds, before he says "Hi." He wants SiWon to notice him. He wants to see a reaction. He wants to see what's going on now.
SiWon turns his head around. "Hi," he says back, but added nothing else. Instead, he continues to read.
HeeChul has to admit to himself that he is a little bit disappointed. "Uhm...what are you reading?" he asks in another attempt to start a conversation.
"Bible," SiWon answers with one word and HeeChul hasn't anything else to say anymore.
He sighs silently as he walks over to his own bed and lets himself fall down. It's going to be awkward again. He has lost. He turns on his music player and puts earphones on. If SiWon doesn't want to talk with him anymore, it will be fine with HeeChul. He won't care. Even though his heart is already breaking and he wants to cry.
He regrets having said the truth. He just wishes to turn back time and not say the truth. He will rather stay quiet than lose SiWon. But now, it's already too late. The worst is not that SiWon doesn't feel the same and never will. The worst is that HeeChul has destroyed their frienship. And the trust that he has lost won't come back. He won't be able to win SiWon's friendship back that easily. If ever.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on the view, they both have a schedule together that day. HeeChul notices it is time for them to go, but SiWon is still reading. Shall the older one just leave SiWon here? He can't do that. So he hesitantly approaches SiWon and touches his shoulder. "SiWon?" he asks uneasily.
SiWon looks up at him. "Hm?"
"We have to leave," HeeChul says eventually.
With a look at the clock, SiWon sits up and gets ready. "Oh, yeah, you're right. Thank you."
"...No problem," HeeChul mumbles. He thinks of the conversation SiWon wants to do with him, but doesn't remind the younger one, because HeeChul is sick of feeling down. He doesn't want to even think of what he has done anymore.
--
It is evening and HeeChul is too tired for anything as he throws himself on his bed with a groan.
SiWon puts his bag down next to his own. "Are you going to bed now?" he asks the older one.
"Hm, yeah, I'm too tired," HeeChul says with a sigh. He remembers the conversation again, and again, he won't remind SiWon.
"Good night, hyung," SiWon says as he comes closer to HeeChul's bed.
HeeChul nods as he stands up to get his pajamas. "Good night," he replies. Before he can do anything, SiWon is hugging him. "Good night hug," he announces with a smile.
They usually hug each other before going to bed, but HeeChul has never expected that right now. He is rather surprised right now, but hugs back nonetheless, because he is quite thankful for SiWon's move. It means that not everything is lost yet.
SiWon smiles at him as he leaves the room.
--
HeeChul is lying in bed. He is still awake. He has said that he wants to go to sleep. He is tired. But he can't fall asleep.
It's past midnight when SiWon comes in. He is quiet as he undresses and wears his shirt for sleeping. He lies down in bed and HeeChul feels the urge to just run to him and say sorry. Thousands of times sorry.
But he doesn't. He can't.
So he stays in bed, not moving, not speaking, and waits until SiWon is asleep.
But HeeChul doesn't sleep that night. He just won't fall asleep. He just waits for a new day.
--
SiWon is moving. He mumbles in his sleep. He is going to wake up now. HeeChul knows it and he stays in bed. Still. Because he hasn't slept and he is tired.
SiWon sits up and rubs his eyes. He looks out of the window. And then at HeeChul, realizing that the older one is awake. "Hyung, you are already awake?" he asks, because SiWon knows that it's not HeeChul's time. It is too early.
HeeChul curses silently because he has hoped that SiWon won't notice, but he has been wrong. "Yes."
"Haven't you slept well?" SiWon asks in concern.
HeeChul smiles a little bit. SiWon is worried. That means that he still cares for HeeChul. "I..." But HeeChul, being too distracted with being happy, can't think of a good answer instantly.
"You know we still wanted to talk, right?" SiWon suddenly announces and HeeChul sighs quietly, but nods. "Yeah, I know."
He has hoped for this moment not to come. Ever.
"I'm sorry it took so long for me now. I just wanted to think it through...thoroughly," SiWon says and turns to face HeeChul.
HeeChul looks away. "You don't need to apologize."
SiWon stands up and comes to sit on HeeChul's bed, directly in front of him, so that HeeChul has no other choice than looking at the younger one.
"SiWon, let's just forget everything. I know, I was wrong. I didn't mean it like that, you know?" HeeChul started, trying to talk himself out of the situation.
"You did mean it, hyung. Please say the truth. Don't lie!" SiWon demands. HeeChul doesn't reply.
"I just...," SiWon begins, but doesn't finish his sentence. "I don't know how to say it..." HeeChul looks up, finally, to see a helpless SiWon, laughing softly in embarrassment and rubbing his neck.
HeeChul can't help but smile. SiWon looks way too cute that way. How can anyone ever resist him anyway, the older one wonders, but doesn't say anything out loud.
He is too busy with his own thoughts, that he doesn't see it coming. He can't react. He can't stop SiWon. And he doesn't want to as the younger one puts his lips on HeeChul. Slowly. Carefully.
"Sorry...?" SiWon asks afterwards, rather hesitantly.
HeeChul guesses that the younger one doesn't quite know what he has done there. He probably has thought about this these past days, the whole time, but still, SiWon doesn't know about being gay. About being in love with someone of the same gender.
HeeChul though, is totally confused. He just stares at SiWon, not knowing anything either.
And so, they just sit there, in front of each other. It is awkward, but when the door is opened suddenly, they back away from each other.
"Morning. Breakfast is ready," EunHyuk says with a happy smile.
Every morning, someone is coming in to wake the members. Always the same kind of way. And it annoys HeeChul every morning once again.
But this time, it is the first time that he is thankful to EunHyuk coming in.
As EunHyuk leaves again, HeeChul turns to SiWon and wants to stand up. "You've heard him."
But SiWon holds him back on the wrist. "I'm not sure about this yet, HeeChul. I choose this because I don't want to see you in pain anymore. I like you a lot, too. I know, it's wrong, but maybe, we can...try," SiWon says, almost too fast for HeeChul to understand.
HeeChul is staring at SiWon once again, not believing what he has heard, but it is true. He only nods.
Maybe he isn't right this time. Maybe they can work it out. HeeChul gives SiWon a small smile. He rather wants to see SiWon kiss him to death, but for a start, this isn't bad either.
SiWon gets up and pulls HeeChul up with him. He squeezes the older one's hand briefly, before letting go and disappearing for breakfast.
Butterflies in HeeChul's stomach are causing HeeChul to feel slightly uneasy, but he will manage, he thinks, as he follows his new lover.