Never Easy
Since I had to close tonight at work, I dropped by to see Mara on my lunch break. I'm glad I did, it instantly made me forget how tired I was and how crappy my job is. Unfortunately, with only a half hour for lunch, our time was short. When it it was time to leave, I said, "Ok baby, daddy has to go back to work." She responded with, "No, daddy. No leave." There's nothing I would have loved more than to stay with her and later put her to bed. She wouldn't give me a hug or a kiss goodbye. I was heart broken. Finally she gave me a hug and blew me a kiss. Rogue walked me to the door and right as I was about to leave, Mara yells out to me. "Wait daddy! Here I come!" She gives me another hug and I was reluctant to let her go. As I said goodbye, she sat at the foot of the steps near the door and mumbled goodbye while pouting. I really don't have the words to properly express how that affected me. I feel like I'm abandoning my daughter every time I leave that house. If I was a better person I'd have found someway to keep my family whole. I know that's not logical, but it's how I feel.
When my older sister and I would visit my dad as kids, we'd pretty much cry when it was time to go. I never thought about how that must have affected him until now. To have to pretty much continually give up your child after spending any time with them. Since he lived in California and we lived in *insert name of numerous cities I grew up in*, we didn't get to spend a lot of time with him. I see Mara almost everyday and it hurts me when our time is over. I can't fathom what he must have felt. I wish I could talk to him about it. To have some perspective or understand how to deal with it all. Hell, I wish I had someone here I could talk to about anything.
I miss sleeping in the same house as my daughter. I miss being able to comfort her if she wakes up in the middle of the night. Most of all I miss feeling like a full time father to my child.
When my older sister and I would visit my dad as kids, we'd pretty much cry when it was time to go. I never thought about how that must have affected him until now. To have to pretty much continually give up your child after spending any time with them. Since he lived in California and we lived in *insert name of numerous cities I grew up in*, we didn't get to spend a lot of time with him. I see Mara almost everyday and it hurts me when our time is over. I can't fathom what he must have felt. I wish I could talk to him about it. To have some perspective or understand how to deal with it all. Hell, I wish I had someone here I could talk to about anything.
I miss sleeping in the same house as my daughter. I miss being able to comfort her if she wakes up in the middle of the night. Most of all I miss feeling like a full time father to my child.