a l o n e
I've been really irritable all freakin day. this morning i woke up in a cold sweat ... one of my first thoughts was that i have to work tomorrow. at this job that i don't feel comfortable/confident doing. my stomach started aching and then i remembered 3 or 4 pretty important dates are coming up. nothing i was doing made me feel any better ... until i started to rock myself. that seemed to calm me down for a minute. i woke up around 10a and pretty much started crying. did so for about 2 hrs, took a shower and didn't do anything all day. I felt okay for a good part of the day. until about 2 hrs ago ... now i feel exhausted and annoyed as fuck.
it's only 8p! today is one of the few bad days that i wish i could've just slept through. the more i reflect on things, the more i realize that i've never been loved. maybe thats why this strange episode happened today. or my insecurities about my job. i've even thought it was the strange text i got yesterday. "Hi Mija Im doing fine nice hearing from you love you sooo much. Mom" it caught me off guard and i eventually told someone. and cried. heh. the thing i haven't really told anyone is that a few weeks ago i went to visit my moms grave.
I'm tired. I'm so sick of being mad. of feeling this way. of NEEDING to be comforted so much. i got pissed the other night and just punched everything on the way home. not hard, but enough to bruise. I'm gonna go take a sleeping pill before i start my bad habit again. out of weed ... probably til next monday. and as exhausted as i feel, i know i won't be able to sleep.
shit ... i need to fold my clothes, make lunch for tomorrow, charge my ipod and decide whether or not i should go to the store now or tomorrow morning. which means i have to get up earlier ... if i'd known how much trouble this shit was gonna be, i'd have taken so much more care of my car. I just wasn't mature enough to handle it.
fuck this shit. fuck my life. fuck.
it's only 8p! today is one of the few bad days that i wish i could've just slept through. the more i reflect on things, the more i realize that i've never been loved. maybe thats why this strange episode happened today. or my insecurities about my job. i've even thought it was the strange text i got yesterday. "Hi Mija Im doing fine nice hearing from you love you sooo much. Mom" it caught me off guard and i eventually told someone. and cried. heh. the thing i haven't really told anyone is that a few weeks ago i went to visit my moms grave.
I'm tired. I'm so sick of being mad. of feeling this way. of NEEDING to be comforted so much. i got pissed the other night and just punched everything on the way home. not hard, but enough to bruise. I'm gonna go take a sleeping pill before i start my bad habit again. out of weed ... probably til next monday. and as exhausted as i feel, i know i won't be able to sleep.
shit ... i need to fold my clothes, make lunch for tomorrow, charge my ipod and decide whether or not i should go to the store now or tomorrow morning. which means i have to get up earlier ... if i'd known how much trouble this shit was gonna be, i'd have taken so much more care of my car. I just wasn't mature enough to handle it.
fuck this shit. fuck my life. fuck.