In further particularlyness
I found this book on Alchemy I am really enjoying. I have read a bit about alchemy and always admired its principles and had aspirations to understand it more depthfully, though the fundamentals have always felt like second nature.
So I ran into this little book, The Alchemy of Opposites, and I am glad to be finally diving into it. It's more of applying alchemy to the mind, all about human psychology and how our brain works. I need alot of knowledge and personal encouragement right now. I haven't been really candid about what exactly I'm going through lately save a few close to my heart that would understand it.
I had a panic attack for the first time several months ago, and since then I have discovered that I had a kind of mother-of-all-panic-attacks, in that I seriously thought my body was shutting down for some reason and I was dying. I didn't know what I was experiencing because I thought panic attacks were just a feeling of panic, not alot of physical symptoms as well. Well, I thought maybe some vital organ had failed and my body was starting to send me to the dark place; I thought I needed to start saying my goodbyes to Brian who was with me at the time. Every warning alarm your brain can give you when something is wrong in your body was screaming at the highest levels. It felt a bit like a really, really bad acid trip. It is truly the worst feeling I have ever experienced, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Gettting a gun put to my head would have nothing on this.
That being said, in the months that have followed, I have had several episodes like that, but none that quite reached that level of longevity, moreso I think because I was armed with the knowledge of what was really happening to me and I tried to fight them off. They happen at random with no logical reason of course (as is with panic attacks which differ from anxiety disorder).
I quit all things that are immediate triggers for an attack once you've had one, this includes pot (I miss marijuana very, very much) and caffeine. I have reduced my sugar intake drastically, and try to keep it as low as possible. And more recently, I have had to pretty much cut out alcohol all together, as I've been getting really sick after I drink it. Like throw up everything and can't eat much for a few days, and of course panic comes along with it.
I'm only giving most of the bulk info, as there is too much to really go over here. But lately I have noticed that I get the start of an attack right after eating something. I have also been reading about panic that is caused by food allergies or severe intolerances linked with the digestive track. So I'm simplifying my diet and removing as much processed foods from it as I can. Atkins style diet but with healthy complex carbs like brown rice and raw foods seems to make me feel pretty good.
Alcohol has been the hardest thing for me to lose. It was making me feel better in the beginning, the only thing I could do to get away from the possibility of an attack; when I was drunk it felt like they couldn't touch me because my mind and body were just too sedated. Well, my body quickly changed that by gettintg sick (panic, shaking, chills and hot flashes at the same time, nausea, heart palpitations) before I can even get a buzz. :(
It's been rough and very scary. Most times I have to take it one day at a time, or even one meal at a time. My mother and my friend Kelli have helped me greatly though as they have had to deal with panic, and no one can truly know the horror of them unless they've had one. I never thought a body could do that to itself without something being fatally wrong. Ugh.
I am going to see a doctor soon to run some random tests (adrenal fatigue, thyroid problems, and specifically severe hypoglycemia can account for most all my symptoms).
Although, those of you who know me well know that I seek out some wisdom from every battle (I don't go through shit I don't like in vain, I'm at least going to walk away with something that makes me a better person goddamnit). So I can say, I have always had the desire to cut down on the intoxicants and focus on myself with a clearer mind, and a better, new approach to myself to build a better foundation. I believe that probably not much less than something this severe could have really made me stop drinking and smoking pot. I have forced myself into it by terrible means, but as is my way sometimes. I'm not saying thats the reason for the panic, but its probably one of them. Even if it's not really, I can make it one and bring something positive out of this nastiness.
I have signed up with a few volunteer organizations lately (Hands on Atlanta, Trees Atlanta) like I've always talked about but never done.
So, my start of talking about an Alchemical book was because I am realizing that I am coming back to my searchings, my spiritual/mystical/psychological endeavors with a real need this time. Before I read them because I saw truth and knew it was my path, but now I need them. I need the education, the knowledge and self knowledge to conquer this thing within...or without.
Now my next goal is to meditate every day. I have never been able to accomplish this.
Phew. That felt kind of good to get those chunks out in some kind of permanent format.
So I ran into this little book, The Alchemy of Opposites, and I am glad to be finally diving into it. It's more of applying alchemy to the mind, all about human psychology and how our brain works. I need alot of knowledge and personal encouragement right now. I haven't been really candid about what exactly I'm going through lately save a few close to my heart that would understand it.
I had a panic attack for the first time several months ago, and since then I have discovered that I had a kind of mother-of-all-panic-attacks, in that I seriously thought my body was shutting down for some reason and I was dying. I didn't know what I was experiencing because I thought panic attacks were just a feeling of panic, not alot of physical symptoms as well. Well, I thought maybe some vital organ had failed and my body was starting to send me to the dark place; I thought I needed to start saying my goodbyes to Brian who was with me at the time. Every warning alarm your brain can give you when something is wrong in your body was screaming at the highest levels. It felt a bit like a really, really bad acid trip. It is truly the worst feeling I have ever experienced, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Gettting a gun put to my head would have nothing on this.
That being said, in the months that have followed, I have had several episodes like that, but none that quite reached that level of longevity, moreso I think because I was armed with the knowledge of what was really happening to me and I tried to fight them off. They happen at random with no logical reason of course (as is with panic attacks which differ from anxiety disorder).
I quit all things that are immediate triggers for an attack once you've had one, this includes pot (I miss marijuana very, very much) and caffeine. I have reduced my sugar intake drastically, and try to keep it as low as possible. And more recently, I have had to pretty much cut out alcohol all together, as I've been getting really sick after I drink it. Like throw up everything and can't eat much for a few days, and of course panic comes along with it.
I'm only giving most of the bulk info, as there is too much to really go over here. But lately I have noticed that I get the start of an attack right after eating something. I have also been reading about panic that is caused by food allergies or severe intolerances linked with the digestive track. So I'm simplifying my diet and removing as much processed foods from it as I can. Atkins style diet but with healthy complex carbs like brown rice and raw foods seems to make me feel pretty good.
Alcohol has been the hardest thing for me to lose. It was making me feel better in the beginning, the only thing I could do to get away from the possibility of an attack; when I was drunk it felt like they couldn't touch me because my mind and body were just too sedated. Well, my body quickly changed that by gettintg sick (panic, shaking, chills and hot flashes at the same time, nausea, heart palpitations) before I can even get a buzz. :(
It's been rough and very scary. Most times I have to take it one day at a time, or even one meal at a time. My mother and my friend Kelli have helped me greatly though as they have had to deal with panic, and no one can truly know the horror of them unless they've had one. I never thought a body could do that to itself without something being fatally wrong. Ugh.
I am going to see a doctor soon to run some random tests (adrenal fatigue, thyroid problems, and specifically severe hypoglycemia can account for most all my symptoms).
Although, those of you who know me well know that I seek out some wisdom from every battle (I don't go through shit I don't like in vain, I'm at least going to walk away with something that makes me a better person goddamnit). So I can say, I have always had the desire to cut down on the intoxicants and focus on myself with a clearer mind, and a better, new approach to myself to build a better foundation. I believe that probably not much less than something this severe could have really made me stop drinking and smoking pot. I have forced myself into it by terrible means, but as is my way sometimes. I'm not saying thats the reason for the panic, but its probably one of them. Even if it's not really, I can make it one and bring something positive out of this nastiness.
I have signed up with a few volunteer organizations lately (Hands on Atlanta, Trees Atlanta) like I've always talked about but never done.
So, my start of talking about an Alchemical book was because I am realizing that I am coming back to my searchings, my spiritual/mystical/psychological endeavors with a real need this time. Before I read them because I saw truth and knew it was my path, but now I need them. I need the education, the knowledge and self knowledge to conquer this thing within...or without.
Now my next goal is to meditate every day. I have never been able to accomplish this.
Phew. That felt kind of good to get those chunks out in some kind of permanent format.