(no subject)
I can't explain how alive I feel. I'm working off of a salad and power bar and I feel like I've just awaken from a deep sleep, when in reality I've accumulated perhaps a days worth of sleep within the past week. Today I played volleyball for two and a half hours and lacrosse for one and a half, thats 4 hours sports total. I love it, I'm not tired, just sore, and my mind is racing and I have too much to translate into cyber words, the thoughts are all so jumbled and cat fighting with eachother to pour out first. I feel...and odd sense of happy. This week in school will be literal hell, I'm in the middle of it and it is yet to hit me. I haven't seen my friends in weeks and it hurts when I have time to think about it, but I don't so somehow it doesn't faze me. I just go through my day and keep my mind or body occupied and then fall asleep at night when the adrenaline has worn out and my eyes can no longer focus on the work I have before me, until the page swims and I give in to a dreamful sleep, replaying back the events and emotions of the day to me in off of a spliced and hodgepodged reel, my mind still in action, never taking its time to rest. So what do I do? I try to find community service projects to busy myself with. To lend a helping hand to teamates, to be happy and outgoing and welcoming with strangers because my friends are not there at practice to remiss with me. But what do I feel? A fake bubble-gum sense of perpetual happiness that I know can only last me until my next break-down, and will then be replaced by yet another period of content and over and over until the cycle is broken with the ending of the year, but what year I don't know. All I know is, I'm happy, but I don't feel right. I don't miss my friends, but that is because I don't have time to and it doesn't feel like I am all there, because they are missing in me. And it doesn't feel right. And I do my school work and pass it in and get good grades but they don't feel right. And I don't expect this to be read, because I know that if I were reading this late at night I would skip it unless it was my best friend, someone who wrote well, or someone I secretly had a crush on. I just need to vent little bit in the hopes that my mind will calm itself and relapse into submission, in the form of dreamless sleep so I can wake in the morning confused and tired and maybe not so perpetually happy.