i dont fucking know anymore

[blimer4evr]

So, I failed a test last week, and probably another one today. I hate my classes, every last one of them, with the exception of archery. I don't like my major and honestly I'm no good at it. I used to get really mad when I know I did badly on a test. Now I just come back to my room, sit at my desk and try to think of reasons for living. I think of all the things I love to do in life. And then I think of all the things I get to do while I'm here, or have gotten to do since I started college at this school. How I have to give up everything I like to do, to spend all my time studying things I hate, for a major I hate, that I'm doing bad in. I think of all the hours I put in studying for these tests, that I failed. Imagine what I could have done with that time? If I added up all the hours I wasted studying for test I did bad on, or doing homework's I got bad grades on... and then thought of all the things I could have done that I like to do in that time... id probably be sitting here at my desk with my brains on the adjacent wall. So I wont think about that. I tell you what the problem is. I cant do any of the things I want to do because I have no money, which is why i picked this major in the first place, the money. I mean I liked chemistry, and CHEMICAL engineering has to do with chemistry right? not really. I think I've taken 3 chem classes since I got here, 2 of which everyone in the school has to take. How many "engineering" classes have I taken? Calculus 1-4, physics 1-4, design 1-6, thermodynamics, heat and mass transfer... the list goes on and on. So today instead of thinking about how shitty my life is, and how incredibly miserable i am, I thought of all the things I would do with my life if money were not an issue. I love to build stuff, 3-d drawing, woodworking; I want to learn to weld. I love nature, I would go backpacking for a year, straight across the good old US of A, huggin some trees along the way. Maybe do some rafting, some mountain climbing, a whole lot of big campfires. You know when the last time I went backpacking was? I don’t remember, I think it was around 7 years ago. I've still got my frame pack sitting in my closet all packed up and ready to go, with about 6 inches of dust on it of course. When I was a kid I used to love collecting rocks, I wanted to be a geologist (which I wouldn’t do now, but I could collect some rocks on my cross country trek). Plus I am right now in the worst shape I have ever been in my life; I think subconsciously I'm trying to eat myself to death. Maybe one day ill get so fat ill have an excuse not to leave my room, and go to class, cuz they'd have to get me out with a fucking forklift. I like to eat if I didn’t have school, and I had infinite money, I would eat at nice restaurants every night, and id spend a good part of the day in the gym. I like working out, if I had 2 spare minutes a day, I would actually go once in a while. But instead I stuff myself with shitty cafeteria food, clogging my arteries, and with the constant stress I predict that I'm about 5 years late for a midlife crisis. Lets face it, if I actually do graduate from this hell, ill be dead before I can even get a job, with my shitty GPA. So I think the only way I could turn my frown upside down is one of 2 ways. One, Bill Gates shows up at my door tomorrow and says, golly gee Bryan I've got so much money I don’t know what to do with it, can you take half of it? Two, if I won the lottery, which can't happen, because I'm too broke to buy a lottery ticket. So if anyone knows Bill Gates, you'd really be doing me a huge favor. Thanks.
-Bryan

PS if your looking at my current music saying to yourself the white stipes suck ass, believe me i know, but that one song is good.

PPS your music sucks too asshole.