Whot 'ave oi to'd you aboot thinkin', 'arold?
Lately I've been engaged in a very dangerous practice, and something that I do too much of: thinking. Thinking about that future and what I want to do, what will make me happy, and ultimately, who I am and who I should be. In the past I thought I knew exactly who I was. I knew that I loved music and loved to play the guitar, so it only made sense to pursue that interest. Now, the thought of being in a band seems to appeal to me less and less as the days go by. It's hard to explain why. I used to see people in bands as some sort of "special" humans, but they are no more special than me or you. That's not entirely my point, however. I have simply felt like changing directions with my life. My interests and tastes are changing, and I feel like my heartstrings are being pulled in a different direction. I will still pursue music, but I'm leaving my options open for all possibilities. I am really just looking to the future and what I see other people in the music industry doing. I ask myself, "what will I do once I'm done with the band thing?" I don't want to teach guitar for the rest of my life, unless I can become a respected virtuoso in the community, but what are the chances of that happening? I think of James, my guitar teacher. He's amazing, but he's also become so cynical to the music world, I don't even know why he plays anymore. It's almost as if he has no more passion and the only reason he does it is because it's all he knows how to do. I don't want to become like that. I also don't like the idea of the public labeling me and thinking they know me because I sing and play music for them. That's one thing I hate about the music industry. Also, the kind of music I really want to play would probably only interest a small group of people and finding that niche would take a lot of practice and people skills, which I lack.
Then there's the possibility of freelance writing. I've already started down that road with Connections, but I don't really think that my writing skills are good enough to catch the attention of major publications. I'm not writing that off, since there's good money to be made and it would be a fun job. Once again, I'd need people skills to network and sell my articles. I'd also need to write like there's no tomorrow. Just write about everything. When I'm not at work or studying I'm writing. But, then again, do I really want to do that? Do I have the creative energy to do that?
Psychology is another option. I'll have my degree in about a year and a semester, then I'll be done with school. I have the choice to either join the grandiose American workforce, go to grad school, or do something totally whacked out and unusual like travel for months on end or join the military...something I'll talk about in a minute. In any case, I find psychology very interesting as it is a relatively new science. There is much to be learned and many people to be helped, but that also means continuing in school for something that I might find boring and dull years down the road. I'd imagine that it is a lucrative practice, but do I really want to be one of those professional people that USED to be in bands or USED to play guitar, only to get burned out in the end? If I do become a psychologist, I've already decided that I'm not going to be a typical shrink. I'm not going to wear dorky clothes and sip coffee while my patient spills his or her guts to me. I don't know exactly WHAT I'm going to do, I just know those are the things I'm not going to do :). Also, am I really smart enough to get through grad school successfully to become a practicing psychologist? I already don't think I'm very smart, but grad school students have to be.
Then there's the totally different part of me that is fascinated with the military. Maybe it's because of my upbringing and my dad always encouraging me and my brother to look into officer training. Maybe it's because I respect people who can make it through boot camp and I also want to be respected like those people. Maybe it's the thought of doing something I never thought I could do, pushing myself to my limits and coming out of it ok. The thought of being a Navy Seal and completing the most strenuous training system in the world is very appealing to me. I know I'll lose some of my identity, I know that I would have to get over many of my fears, and I know that there is the possibility of failing. There will be guys that are athletes and jocks. Guys that have been using their muscles for their entire lives, but I'm not them. I'd have to start training myself now. Exercising like I'm training for the olympics. Why in the world would I want to put myself through something like that, you ask? Because it's there and because there is always the chance that I have what it takes. And, when I'm done, I'll be one hard motherfucker. In 4 years I'll be done and will be able to do anything I wanted. I'll be completely self-sufficient and confident in everything I aspire to do. The thought of being a modern day warrior is something I find very, very cool.
Well, I probably need to turn my brain off for a while because smoke is starting to come out of my ears. I think that if I didn't think so much all of this would suddenly make more sense.
Then there's the possibility of freelance writing. I've already started down that road with Connections, but I don't really think that my writing skills are good enough to catch the attention of major publications. I'm not writing that off, since there's good money to be made and it would be a fun job. Once again, I'd need people skills to network and sell my articles. I'd also need to write like there's no tomorrow. Just write about everything. When I'm not at work or studying I'm writing. But, then again, do I really want to do that? Do I have the creative energy to do that?
Psychology is another option. I'll have my degree in about a year and a semester, then I'll be done with school. I have the choice to either join the grandiose American workforce, go to grad school, or do something totally whacked out and unusual like travel for months on end or join the military...something I'll talk about in a minute. In any case, I find psychology very interesting as it is a relatively new science. There is much to be learned and many people to be helped, but that also means continuing in school for something that I might find boring and dull years down the road. I'd imagine that it is a lucrative practice, but do I really want to be one of those professional people that USED to be in bands or USED to play guitar, only to get burned out in the end? If I do become a psychologist, I've already decided that I'm not going to be a typical shrink. I'm not going to wear dorky clothes and sip coffee while my patient spills his or her guts to me. I don't know exactly WHAT I'm going to do, I just know those are the things I'm not going to do :). Also, am I really smart enough to get through grad school successfully to become a practicing psychologist? I already don't think I'm very smart, but grad school students have to be.
Then there's the totally different part of me that is fascinated with the military. Maybe it's because of my upbringing and my dad always encouraging me and my brother to look into officer training. Maybe it's because I respect people who can make it through boot camp and I also want to be respected like those people. Maybe it's the thought of doing something I never thought I could do, pushing myself to my limits and coming out of it ok. The thought of being a Navy Seal and completing the most strenuous training system in the world is very appealing to me. I know I'll lose some of my identity, I know that I would have to get over many of my fears, and I know that there is the possibility of failing. There will be guys that are athletes and jocks. Guys that have been using their muscles for their entire lives, but I'm not them. I'd have to start training myself now. Exercising like I'm training for the olympics. Why in the world would I want to put myself through something like that, you ask? Because it's there and because there is always the chance that I have what it takes. And, when I'm done, I'll be one hard motherfucker. In 4 years I'll be done and will be able to do anything I wanted. I'll be completely self-sufficient and confident in everything I aspire to do. The thought of being a modern day warrior is something I find very, very cool.
Well, I probably need to turn my brain off for a while because smoke is starting to come out of my ears. I think that if I didn't think so much all of this would suddenly make more sense.