sometimes you have to let it out...
sometimes i feel that if i rant or complain that i'm weak and that i'm just whining and that i should just get over it, especially when i look at my friends and the people i know and see that they have the things that i really really want, and that i shouldn't feel envious and that i should be happy with the things that i have, with the life that i have. but i can't help it when my friends are engaged, planning weddings, getting married, having babies, blah blah blah. but i can't help it. i hate watching it all around me, feeling happy for them yet angry at myself all at the same time. i never thought that me at 23 i'd want all of that, i want a husband, i want a family, i want that for me. i want someone to come home to, someone to help me with big decisions like putting a down payment on a car, someone to take care of me. i hate feeling like it's never my turn. my sister is getting married in november. two of my good friends got married in june - to each other. one of my best friends is living with her boyfriend. i know i shouldn't feel this way. it's not like me to want what other people have because i have what i need. except now i'm realizing what i really need, and that's someone to lean on, to hold me and tell me that it's going to be OK. i'm getting a little bit tired of being the one everyone goes to for help, the one everyone goes to for relationship advice. my roommate - i love her to death. and she's in a good relationship right now. and when they aren't together, that's all she talks about. and i just don't want to hear it anymore. i care that she's happy, i just don't care to hear about it anymore. because i'm unhappy. i said it. i'm not happy. and i hate that i feel like i need someone to be happy because i don't. i shouldn't need someone to be happy. i've been happy alone before. what the hell am i missing?? and i know i can't be in a relationship unless i'm happy by myself. i have to be OK and happy with being alone before I can be OK and happy with someone else. so why does it feel so shitty to see everyone around me in relationships that are going somewhere?? i want that for me. and i was soooooooooo close with andy. soooooooooooooooo fucking close. and sometimes i wonder if i made a huge mistake. and i don't know. i wanted all those things with him, and i wonder if i was just too weak to handle the military, too weak to balance everything, and that i gave up too soon. i just don't know. and i'm scared that maybe that was it and i missed it. i need to be OK with myself...but i don't know how to get there, and i'm so scared that i never will be. to say never is a strong word. but i still feel that way. i'm scared.