(no subject)
let me start out by saying happy birthday to my bestest friend in the whole world. you may be a bitch, but you're my bitch.
it's days like these where you really appreciate having girls as friends. i don't think a dude could have ever used a whip in that way. and THAT is all i have to say about it.
i've been thinking that maybe i'm not quite as much over everything as i thought i was. i've been missing everything about brian. at first it was just the phonecalls. now it's the backrubs, and the smell and touch and movies and most of all the connection. he can't deny anything about the chemistry we shared in ALL aspects of out relationship, and i am just waiting until the day he wakes up and kicks himself in the ass for throwing that away, because it is THE most important thing to look for, and completely impossible to find.
as far as this new dude goes, i thought there was a connection. but he IS only 18. chris asked me if i was trying to get back at brian, because i found an 18-year-old. no, that's not even it. even if it was it, this wouldn't be comparable because this dude is in college, not a junior in high school. those are two completely different mentalities. but, i've actually had a crush on this one for awhile, even when i was with brian, i wanted to get to know him a little better, but knew it would be a bad idea, because at least some part of me is loyal. so, no, this isn't some sad attempt at revenge, i don't even have that in me, because it's impossible to try and get revenge on someone you're still in love with. i am still in love with him, not him now, but him from before. MY brian doesn't exist, and as crazy as that sounds it's true. he's changed himself in every aspect of his life, but he's done it before, so i have little doubt that he's not going to snap out of it one day. i just don't know when. or if i'll be there. but i am more afraid than you can imagine to completely let go.
it's days like these where you really appreciate having girls as friends. i don't think a dude could have ever used a whip in that way. and THAT is all i have to say about it.
i've been thinking that maybe i'm not quite as much over everything as i thought i was. i've been missing everything about brian. at first it was just the phonecalls. now it's the backrubs, and the smell and touch and movies and most of all the connection. he can't deny anything about the chemistry we shared in ALL aspects of out relationship, and i am just waiting until the day he wakes up and kicks himself in the ass for throwing that away, because it is THE most important thing to look for, and completely impossible to find.
as far as this new dude goes, i thought there was a connection. but he IS only 18. chris asked me if i was trying to get back at brian, because i found an 18-year-old. no, that's not even it. even if it was it, this wouldn't be comparable because this dude is in college, not a junior in high school. those are two completely different mentalities. but, i've actually had a crush on this one for awhile, even when i was with brian, i wanted to get to know him a little better, but knew it would be a bad idea, because at least some part of me is loyal. so, no, this isn't some sad attempt at revenge, i don't even have that in me, because it's impossible to try and get revenge on someone you're still in love with. i am still in love with him, not him now, but him from before. MY brian doesn't exist, and as crazy as that sounds it's true. he's changed himself in every aspect of his life, but he's done it before, so i have little doubt that he's not going to snap out of it one day. i just don't know when. or if i'll be there. but i am more afraid than you can imagine to completely let go.