(no subject)
everything is about to change and i'm not ready by any means. he's been there for me for 4 solid years, no fights, no drama. i've never had that before from someone. not for four consistent steady years. despite the fact that we havent hung out every single day together for those years, we could always pick up and leave off with no awkwardness, just swing right back into things, and that's what made this friendship special. different. he listens when i rant...when i cry and complain and whine. he's got the patience of a god, how he deals with me every day now, baffles me. and in less than 4 days he'll be gone. falling right into the whirlwind of malibu and fake pretentious assholes that will radar-sense his vulnerability, his innocence. plucked up by some arrogant bitch who wont give a shit about him. he is MY best friend. he is still MY 14 year old skater freshman boy, no matter how much he really actually grew up. i want the best for this kid. i want him to find someone genuine, a good nice, sweet girl that will take care of him. i want him to fall in love, not to fall into some vicious selfish fake girls paws. love, not lust. i want him to shine, and his artwork to be recognized. fuck, this is a genuine real person. not a fresh new toy for mailbu's whores to feast on. we'll be so far, whether i move out there in a few months or not, i cant be there to watch out for him. i know he's not dumb. i know he has a good head on his shoulders, and can take care of himself when it really comes down to it. but i get worried. a friend like him, i havent came across those before. and i'm just terrified to lose him. that i'll be forgotten. that he wont even think of me and smile on our stupid trivial times we've spent together. like cleaning his room and finding all the old memories from the past years together. sitting on his floor playing pogs, or in his basement playing jenga drinking coronas at 6 in the morning. the sunrises and sleepovers. trying on his parents old bowling shoes and rollerblades, and being little kids again in front of his house, falling down together and laughing. making songs together, recording our conversations and cracking up after. trying on hats and sunglasses in target, breaking every car we ride in. the rides out to commack, watching movie after movie until 9am. playing mini golf, seeing movies, going to home depot. hugs and cuddles, kisses on my forhead, massages, being lazy all day at his house. chinese take out nights. sharing everything, food, robeks, cigarettes, alcohol, beds. the times where we've had sleepovers 7 nights in a row and by the end of the week wanting to kill each other. the shows, brooklyn, the city, the beach, ocean city, "virginia beach". sakana, chik nugs. suddenly i look back and realize how much everything in my life lately is a perfect balance of brian and carrie. playing beer pong with your family, barbie and ken as our team name. carnivals, sunday guacamole. playgrounds, cops! i dont' know whats going to happen on saturday. i don't know how i'll handle it by myself, with mikey gone, and me and the girls on our seperate paths. i know i can just grin and tough it out. i know i can shove this facade of being happy and okay on the outside so well that maybe ill even start to really feel and believe it. but its going to hurt inside. i get needy and he was there for me before mike, after mike, before the girls, after the girls. before tony, after tony. we grew together. from the little emo-punk 14 year old kids that hung out at the mall, to where we are now. in the great scheme of thigns, its just another friend that passes. its change that occurs in everyones life and in a few years ill look back and laugh at how silly i was to get so emotional over something so petty. but as of right now, my life isnt making much sense to begin with, and the glue that held me together, the obnoxious, always right, perfect, asshole best friend ive grown so close to, is about to leave to start his new life. and im too immature to handle this. fuck. i hate growing close to people, i hate letting people in, because eventually it has to end, and i eventually get crushed. fuck you california. for serious.