holy fucking shit
ok i dont use this thing really anymore and no one reads it but I need to blow off MAJOR steam. ugh so I find this notebook that I wrote all kinds of emo poems in and I had the dates on them. And then theres like 20 pages that i wrote. I wrote one page everyday for 20 days straight about my day. And almost every single one of them says "i got in a fight with John today" that didnt surprise me. But what did was when I said "John hurt me today. but I'm not mad at him. I deserve it. He's perfect and I've donr so much to him that I deserve to be beaten until near death by him" WHAT THE HELL? Did he fucking brain wash me? Thats so ridiculous. Aww I kissed a guy the first day we were going out so now he has the right to beat me all the time and make me feel like total shit and even though he fucked around with my friends over and over he's perfect and I'm not" BULLSHIT. omg I am soooo fucking glad I dont have to ever deal with this again! Now its kristins problem!!! YAY!!!!!!!! omg no wonder why I was so obsessed with cutting. Seriously, on every page it said "i want to cut so bad but John would punish me." psh... some boyfriend. Ughh now I see how he didn't give a shit about me and even now he doesn't. He says "i'm really sorry for treating you like shit blah blah blah can I get with your friends now?" hahaha NICE WAY TO END THE APOLOGY. as soon as you said that I knew you didn't mean a word you said. fucker. you completely tore up my entire life. You LOVED to make me hurt. physically and emotionally. You broke me down until i had nothing left and then you turned your back on me. And now you're gonna ask permission to take my friends too!? mhmm. See when we were together, I wasnt allowed to be with ANY of my friends except Katie. why katie? because you obviously LIKED katie. and now I have my life back and I have my OWN friends and you want permission to take them from me. Well here's your answer. YES fucking take it all. Everything. go ahead. but how about for every friend you take, leave me a razor in exchange. Thats a pretty fair deal don't you think? I cant believe the shit you put me through and all the shit I put up with. You should be on your fucking knees thanking God that I put up with you and never slashed your throat. Which is what I should have done. But no. I never ONCE laid a hand on you. Although you grabbed my arm until it turned purple, you smacked me in the face in front of our entire class, you kicked me in front of my friends AND spit in my face. You'd think I would have left you and found someone who would treat me right. but no. I still waited on you hand and foot for ANOTHER YEAR. Ohhhh I'm so glad you have kristin and alex and whoever the hell else to do this for you baby. Cuz you know what, I'm gonna miss it. I'm going to miss all the torture and abuse and neglect. Cuz look at me now. I'm stronger than you'll ever be. And I even have the battle SCARS to prove it. Thanks for those. They look great on me