Something I need to rip off of my chest, hopefully for good.
You know when you have those feelings in your gut about your own future, and you can't do anything to control it even when you try really hard to steer away from it? But secretly, it's what you've wanted all along... even when you tried to lie to yourself that it wasn't. Ever since I started to care about what was going to happen to me when I grew up, I knew that I would end up where I am now. 21 years old, married, with a child... no job, basically a college drop-out, and dependent. I felt that I should have done the opposite, but I'm not sure if that's what I really wanted, or that's what my parents nailed into my brain about what I should want. I have no complaints, because I love my son and my husband. But sometimes... I just feel so empty and so useless. I also feel so stupid and so used, even though I made all sorts of dumb, illogical mistakes for no reason. Do you know that I still have dreams about the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with? I thought I was over that, but apparently somewhere deep in the dark depths of my brain, I am trying to tell myself something. Do I still long for you?.. because I did since I was a little girl. Why did I choose my now husband over you? You were supposed to be my husband when you came back. What made me think that he was the better choice? You were perfect for me. Why do I still itch to see you? You make me want to see you. You still have that something that makes me want you, and you know that. The only thing about you that makes me stay away is the fact that you cannot and will never want to quit what is killing you and taking over every second of your life. And it's getting worse. I never understood why, even when we had each other to make life better. I guess I was never good enough for you like you were for me. Now that I think back on it all, I feel as if I was used by you for one of your addictions. It's the only way we kept on reuniting. I'm not sure if it was used as an excuse to see each other, or if it was just to get what you wanted from anybody and I was the one to fall for it. I know I fucked up this and that and our entire relationship, but I can't decide whether it's really that reason that you act this way towards me now, or if it's the previous reason. Obviously, I still feel regret. I know I can't turn back time, but if I could I would have chosen... well, you probably know the answer.