All I stand, here I stand alone.

[bleedingthr0ugh]

I'm a fucking moron. I get drunk and look what happens. I hurt the person I care most for. I hate being in the position i'm in right now. It hurts me to know what I did. It scares me to think deeply into it. Sometimes I drink to the point of no return, forgetting how I feel when the people i'm close with act after doing such things. I'm not going to point the finger. I'm taking every last bit of the blame. The blame for being idiotic and letting the every day burdens in life take over the things and people I care most about. I can not continue to hurt people with my ignorance. I need to start being up front with people and telling them how I really feel. I cant ignore the light I perceive them in when that light shines so bright into these gloomy eyes. I hurt someone yesterday, someone that means most to me. I never wanted that to happen and it did for no reason. I let things build up so high and then shoot them down in all directions. I can not continue to ignore this problem that haunts me so very often. I'm going to fix this shit, I can do it. The first step is admittance and I will push forward to rid myself of this weight baring so firmly down on me. It makes me sick to imagine the things I am capable of. I should not in any way have to worry about these things. They are easily manageable and easily disposable. I should be sitting here loving the opportunity I have to be alive and healthy. With so many people less fortunate its confusing to me how little I begin to care about myself. I fuck up something so good or something takes a turn for the worst and I am overcome with the most unsettling and abnormal thoughts. I truly do hate myself right now. I hate me. It's easy to say and even easier to do. I just want to crawl in bed and never wake up. It's the most selfish thought in the world, but it wont seem to leave my heart.

I love Nicole, with all my heart.
She's given me so many things in life.
She's the one who I see there in time of need.
She's the one I want to rest my head on when I feel so ill.
She is the one I want to hold me and let me know things will be okay.
This girl is amazing to me and I can not take advantage of it.
When i'm able to stare in to her adorable eyes it brings me to tears.
She's so beautiful and my heart beats so rapidly when she's around.
I love Nicole, words will not and can not describe the feelings I have for her.