IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN, GUYS!!!!
TIME FOR ANOTHER MOVIE SNARK!!!
This time we’re gonna take a look at something that most of you probably either don’t remember, or have no clue that it even existed.
Starring Ione Skye and Meg Tilly.
Click to viewCarmilla was a 1989 episode of the short-lived Nightmare Classics; a series that was created, produced AND executive produced by Shelly Duvall. That’s right kids, this awesome lady:
Fresh off the success of her other Showtime programs; Faerie Tale Theatre and Tall Tales & Legends; Duvall decided to try her luck at a more adult program. Nightmare Classics was originally conceived as a six-episode series; only to have just four episodes made and it ended up being Duvall’s ‘least successful series that she produced for Showtime’. Funny thing is; I only remember seeing two episodes myself; this one and this:
Which somehow ended with a kid either being thrown off or falling off a roof; I’m not sure.
The show’s episodes were adaptions of classic horror stories; Carmilla being the second episode premiered. The story of a lesbian vampire; who seduces a young girl to be her companion…lover… (It’s never really stated in the movie and I’ve never read the book); was a one-hour episode that was later released on VHS. Blockbuster used to carry this and I remember seeing it all the time and always wondering what it was.
Thank God for YouTube!
(ALL INFO COURTESY OF WIKIPEDIA AND IMDB!)
We see clouds and hear Linda Hunt’s voice saying; ‘ALL THAT WE SEE OR SEEN IS BUT A DREAM WITHIN A DREAM’;
Then we get the title card;
And see a mansion, with the beautiful Ione Skye as Marie looking at the window at a horse and buggy pulling up to the house.
She goes into her room and starts playing with her dollhouse and we go back and forth between her playing and the buggy;
A cat ends up jumping on top of the dollhouse and Marie picks it up as we go back to the buggy.
Finally, we get a different fucking scene and this time is a servant; Miss Hodgett, walking up to the buggy,
And the coachman telling her that the girl who was supposed to be in it was too sick to travel.
DA FUCK? WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE COACH? WHO ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT? WHY IS MISS HODGETT THE ONE TALKING TO THE COACHMAN ABOUT THE GIRL? WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON RIGHT NOW?
But then Marie’s father comes out asking where the GENERAL’S DAUGHTER is; and the coachman gives him a note saying that the girl was too sick to come and this leaves Marie pissed off up in her ivory tower. Her father goes back inside and Miss Hodgett gives the coachman a necklace ‘for safety because she’s heard what’s in the South’.
Then Miss Hodgett goes upstairs to talk to Marie about the girl being sick; which makes her act like a brat because she has no one to play with and runs off. Then we cut to her walking with her father in what appears to be the dead of night.
OKAY THEN! TALK ABOUT SHITTY TRANSITIONS; I HAVEN’T SEEN ONE SO BAD SINCE I SNARKED DANCING AT THE BLUE IGUANA!!!
Anyway, he basically tells her to woman the fuck up and stop acting like a pain in the ass. Bitch even DEMANDS that he finds a friend for her.
Then, really OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE… A PACK OF WILD HORSES ALMOST FUCKING KILL THEM!!
AND THEY ACT LIKE IT’S NO BIG THING! THEY JUST WALK DOWN THE DIRECTION THE HORSES CAME FROM AND SEE AN OVERTURNED COACH!
COMPLETE WITH A DEAD WOMAN AND THE TITULAR CHARACTER; CARMILLA, PLAYED BY MEG TILLY!!
WHO WAKES UP, JUST TO PASS OUT AGAIN WHILE MARIE AND HER FATHER STAND AROUND LOOKING FUCKING SHOCKED!!!
SO THE PACK OF WILD FUCKING HORSES ALMOST TURNING THEM INTO ROAD KILL DOESN’T ELICIT A REACTION, THE DEAD WOMAN DOESN’T EITHER….BUT A PASSED OUT GIRL, PASSING OUT AGAIN GETS THEM SHOCKED?! DA HOLY FUCK?!
Anyhoo… we cut back to the house with Miss Hodgett telling Marie that the doctor already has examined the bodies and that the dead woman may have been a mother; but the coachman and Carmilla; there’s no clue about. Miss Hodgett also says that Marie’s dad is burying the dead in her family’s crypt and that Carmilla has to stay for a while per doctor’s orders. Plus, apparently Carmilla suffered a blow to her head that killed her appetite.
GEE, I WONDER IF SHE’S A VAMPIRE, IT’S ONLY A VAMPIRE MOVIE BASED ON A FUCKING VAMPIRE BOOK?!
Marie offers to bring Carmilla tea and then we cut to her dad asking the doctor about the sickness that’s in the South that Miss Hodgett already brought up. Doctor says it’s only a rumor that the plague is spreading around, but since he really doesn’t elaborate on exactly what the fuck is killing everyone in the South; I’m…. and I’m just taking a stab in the dark here…. I’m gonna say it’s…. A FUCKING VAMPIRE ILLNESS!
Anyway, Marie takes the tea to a BARE ASSED CARMILLA?! DA FUCK?!
OH, THEY DON’T SHOW HER NAKED… THE CHICK’S COVERED WITH A SHEET, BUT STILL!
The two girls end up talking for a bit as Marie grabs Carmilla’s nightgown and finds a rat underneath;
causing Carmilla to get up and talking about how Marie bites her nails too or some such shit; I have no idea. Then they actually introduce themselves and Marie’s all happy about having a new playmate to show all her dolls and things too and promises Carmilla that they’ll go out once she’s better.
Then there’s the awkward conversation about Carmilla’s mother dying in the accident and Marie leaves her alone to grieve, but all Carmilla does is just open the room’s window and stand on the balcony.
The next day, they’re at the family crypt to watch bodies being laid to rest. Carmilla’s oddly calm about the whole thing and Marie asks her where she’ll end up going once she’s well. Carmilla figures probably relatives and asks if Marie’s ever been anywhere before. To which Marie replies that since her daddy’s been her goddamn jailer this whole time, she doesn’t go out because he says that ‘she has everything she needs inside her house.’ DA FUCK?!
She goes on to say that since her mother’s been gone FOR FOUR FUCKING YEARS NOW; SHE HASN’T EVEN TALKED TO ANYONE OUTSIDE EVER!! DA HOLY FUCK?!
WHY THE FUCK IS HE KEEPING HER PRISONER IN THAT HOUSE, IS IT BECAUSE HE’S SCARED OF LOSING HER? YOU’RE ONLY MAKING HER MORE SUSCEPTIBLE TO CARMILLA TURNING HER, ASSHOLE!!!
So suffice to say, Carmilla is not pleased about any of this shit and says that Marie can talk to her as a friend and they talk about the necklace Marie’s wearing that holds a picture of her mom.
Marie says that Father says that Mom ran off with a Yankee after the war; YEA….
And apparently Mama left Marie after swearing to take her, so she’s a dirty, lying whore. Just saying.
Carmilla tells Marie that the reason that Father’s such a fucking asshole about her going out is probably because he’s afraid of someone taking her away too. Marie tells her that it’s not going to happen, making Carmilla reply; ‘Unless the right person asks you.’
Then Carmilla tells Marie that she’ll ‘show her how to get anyone she wants to come to her.’ So either she’s a supernatural creature or she’s gonna teach Marie how to be a ho; it’s gotta be one or the other people.
Cut to Miss Hodgett working in the garden;
When she sees SLAUGHTERED FUCKING ANIMALS!!
WHICH REALLY SHOULD BE TIPPING HER OFF RIGHT NOW; DON’T SLAUGHTERED ANIMALS ALWAYS FUCKING SHOW UP IN VAMPIRE SITUATIONS?!
Then we cut to Marie and Carmilla sitting pretty, waiting for dinner. We’re told by Marie’s dad that Carmilla’s wearing a dress that was Marie’s mom’s;
Which is a tad creepy if you really think about it.
Miss Hodgett comes in to announce dinner and Father escorts both ladies to dinner; but not before EYE-FUCKING THE SHIT OUT OF HER?! DA FUCK?!
LOOK, HE’S TOTALLY EYE-BALLING HER TITS!
Maybe I’ve been snarking really fucked up movies too much, but my first thought watching this movie was that Carmilla was gonna seduce Father or something!
Anyway, the crew goes to eat and as they go… THIS LITTLE KID RUNS THE FUCK IN, STARES AT EVERYONE AND RUNS THE FUCK AWAY?
Now, the first time I watched this… I totally thought the kid just happened to run in from off-set and they forgot to cut it out later on. It’s totally surreal and everyone looks shocked; plus the kid looks terrified about being caught. But alas, it turns that he’s just a kid that Miss Hodgett found begging for food, so she’s been letting him sleep in the back of the house. I can’t snark that, it’s too sad.
What I can snark is Father’s ASSHOLE FUCKING BEHAVIOR ABOUT THE BOY! ASSHOLE STRAIGHT UP TELLS MISS HODGETT THAT SINCE THE KID ‘MAY BE DISEASED, HE DOESN’T WANT HIM IN THE HOUSE EVER AGAIN!’ FUCKING HELL, REALLY?! I GET THAT THE SOUTH HAS THE ‘PLAGUE’ OR WHATEVER, BUT THIS IS STILL FUCKED UP!
They sit down for dinner; a blood rare meat that FOR SOME REASON…. MAKES CARMILLA ILL! WHA…
WOULDN’T BLOODY MEAT BE SOMETHING SHE CRAVES OR DOES IT HAVE TO BE COMPLETELY RAW?!
I dunno maybe the book has something in there about it; I never read it, so it beats me.
Carmilla goes upstairs to lie down, with Father offering to have Miss Hodgett send something up later. Before going upstairs, Carmilla flirts with Father a bit; saying ‘he looks handsome’ and even calling him up his first name.
And Father tells Miss Hodgett to bring up some soup in a while.
Cut to the little boys sleeping outside as something approaches and I have no idea what the crew did to make this kid scream for real, but the poor little guy’s looks like he’s about to shit himself!!
The next morning, Miss Hodgett goes to wake him up and finds him dead… WITH TWO BITE MARKS ON HIS NECK!!
Then we see the doctor examining the boy with Miss Hodgett and he thinks that the boy died from the same sickness that’s in the South and he warns her not to say anything to anyone.
Cut to Carmilla in bed and Marie downstairs telling Miss Hodgett that the pic-a-nic basket needs to filled with a fuckton of food for her and Carmilla’s playdate. Miss Hodgett says that Carmilla won’t eat anything at all and that Marie should be careful because ‘some friends aren’t good for you’.
Cut to Marie and Carmilla on the ‘date’, having the pic-a-nic basket and Carmilla basically lies her ass off to Marie; saying how Miss Hodgett is scary as fuck; with her necklaces and other ‘witchcraft’. Marie tells her that at least Father likes her;
And Carmilla says that the asshole is worse than even the doctor, ‘liking her for OTHER REASONS’!
Again;
Carmilla also bitches that Father won’t let them be friends at all; and I’m calling BULLSHIT on this, because it’s never shown. I know Carmilla’s trying to bring Marie over to the dark side, but you’d think the girl had the fucking common sense to notice that at least this was a lie. FUCKING HELL!
Although, I will give Carmilla points for saying that Marie’s Father wants to ‘keep her like a painting’. Because that’s totally true.
Anyhoo… Marie ends up cutting a lock of Carmilla’s hair off; and tells her to cut off a lock from hers.
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? ANSWER ME THIS SNARKERS; HAVE ANY OF YOU SHARED LOCKS OF HAIR WITH ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS THAT YOU WEREN’T ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH?!
Whatever, so Marie declares them friends forever and she pricks their fingers to become blood sisters and I have no idea why Carmilla doesn’t jump on top of her and start sucking her blood after that; but again WHATEVER!!
And the best part of this is that Carmilla’s fucking standing there as Marie washes her hands off in the water and STILL SOMEHOW DOESN’T NOTICE THAT CARMILLA….
HAS NO FUCKING REFLECTION!!!!
HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!
Anyhoo….
At dinner that night, bloody meat is served to the girls and Father; with Marie telling Carmilla to eat up, since she didn’t eat anything at lunch.
FOR SOME REASON, this leaves Carmilla gagging on the meat and I have no idea why. Wouldn’t bloody meat be GOOD for her to eat; I never read the story, so I have no idea. Maybe the meat was marinated in garlic first…. Who the fuck knows?
Carmilla tells them all that she needs to lie and Miss Hodgett looks on with a doubting stare. Cut to Marie in bed, when we something moving underneath the covers CRAWLING TOWARDS HER! DA FUCK? AND WE DON’T EVEN GET TO SEE WHAT IT IS YET; NO INSTEAD WE SEE CARMILLA COME INTO THE FUCKING ROOM AND BITING MARIE ON THE FUCKING NECK!!! DA HOLY FUCK?!
AND MARIE… HAS NO QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS! ALL CARMILLA DOES IS TELL MARIE THAT IT’S TO COMFORT HER!! I THINK IF I GOT BIT ON THE NECK BY SOME STRANGE PERSON I BARELY FUCKING KNEW… I’D HAVE QUESTIONS!!
Oh, and the thing under the covers? Just a black kitten, no explanation given at all for it, because WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU THINK THERE WOULD BE?!
Carmilla leaves Marie’s room as Miss Hodgett watches, and puts some of those necklaces on the doorknob of Marie’s room.
Yea… I’m gonna go out on a limb and say… IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT SHIT!!!!
Then we see Carmilla not looking too pleased at this turn of events.
Miss Hodgett goes to run downstairs and now Carmilla’s at the foot of the stairs and FUCKING FADES AWAY!
And the effect’s not too badly done and I have to admit if someone appeared and disappeared like that to me; I’d be scared shitless too.
Then Miss Hodgett hears squeaks from above and looks up to see a fuckload of bats on the damn ceiling, which totally devour her ass as Carmilla watches.
The next morning, we see the Doctor and Father looking over Miss Hodgett’s body and get this shit… DOC STILL THINKS IT WAS THE ‘SICKNESS IN THE SOUTH’ THAT KILLED HODGETT!!!
THIS MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE WHEN YOU SEE THAT MISS HODGETT’S ENTIRE BODY; EXCEPT HER FACE AND FUCKING TONGUE; ALL COVERED IN BITE MARKS!!!
DO NO ONE THINK THAT SEVERE BITE MARKS, COVERING MOST OF ONE’S FUCKING BODY, WAS WORTH LOOKING INTO?
Oh, Father says that the Inspector, WHOEVER THE FUCK THAT IS; thinks that it was actually murder and this leads to Doc and him having a fucking argument about the plague not leaving bites or anything like what they see here.
Then the Inspector comes in and….
HOLY SHIT, IT’S RODDY FUCKING MCDOWALL!!!! THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME; DUDE PLAYED ALMOST THE SAME CHARACTER IN THE FRIGHT NIGHT MOVIES!!! I NOW HAVE A FAN THEORY THAT HIS CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE IS AN ANCESTOR OF PETER VINCENT FROM THE FRIGHT NIGHT MOVIES!!!
JUST SAYIN’!
Anyway, the Inspector tells everyone that there’s been like SIXTEEN MOTHERFUCKING DEATHS IN ONE MONTH IN THE SOUTH AND THAT ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE WERE COVERED IN FUCKING BITE MARKS!!!
SO APPARENTLY, THIS INSPECTOR DUDE WAS THE ONLY ONE TO FIND SIXTEEN FUCKING DEAD PEOPLE, ALL WITH BITE MARKS ALL OVER THEM AND IN ONLY A MONTH…. WAS CAUSE FOR MOTHERFUCKING CONCERN?! DA HOLY FUCK?!
AND OF COURSE, THE DOCTOR KEEPS INSISTING THAT IT WAS A PACK OF KILLER BATS MURDERING PEOPLE!!
BECAUSE IT CAN’T BE ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL! NO, KILLER BATS IS THE NEXT LOGICAL CONCLUSION!!!
Then the new maid comes in and tells them that Marie’s sick and Carmilla blames it on spider’s biting her, even showing them bite marks on her arm. To which not only does the Doc comment about how amaze-balls it is that she healed from the bites so fucking quick; asshole also fails to find anything odd about this at all.
Then we see everyone in Marie’s room and Father wants a medical reason why she can’t get out of bed.
Cut to Inspector questioning the new maid about everything and she tells him about the boy that died, convincing him to check out what the undertaker says.
Before he leaves, he tells all the men about the bite marks and how IT TOTALLY STARTED HAPPENING AFTER CARMILLA CAME AND THAT SHE COULD TOTALLY BE…. A FUCKING VAMPIRE Y’ALL!!
AND OF COURSE, NO ONE FUCKING BELIEVES HIS ASS!!
The Inspector does tell Father that he needs to keep the girls away from each and dumbass Father doesn’t believe that he needs to at all; because Carmilla has done worked her vamp magic on him and now all the dude wants to do is nail her. (I’m just guessing at this point!) Inspector tells him that vamps could be beautiful and offer their victims just about anything that they can to get their blood, but that it comes with the price of having to be an undead creature of the night. (JUST WAIT LIKE A FEW CENTURIES DUDE, AND THEY’LL BE SPARKLING LIKE FUCKING DIAMONDS IN THE MOTHERFUCKING SUNSHINE!!) Inspector also says that they need to be able to save Marie if Carmilla’s bitten her and TOO FUCKING LATE, ASSHOLES! SHE ALREADY HAS!
Cut to Carmilla basically giving the same spiel to Marie that the Inspector was so worried about; that she can take her away, ‘to worlds beyond dreams’ and Marie’s all for it. This leads to her chasing Carmilla in the woods. IN SLO-MO!!!
WITH CREEPY MUSIC TO BOOT!!!
Carmilla stops at a tree and Marie wants her to try to get away from her, leaving Carmilla to do her ‘orbing in and out’ trick again.
AND MARIE HAS NO QUESTIONS ABOUT IT! NAH, BITCH JUST ACCEPTS IT!!!
Then Carmilla tells Marie to hide and she’ll come find her as she fades the fuck out AGAIN!!
Cut to the men putting flowers down on the stairs to see how Carmilla will react to it. Inspector even has the wooden stake at the ready to kill her.
Then we cut back to… CARMILLA FLOATING IN MID FUCKING AIR AS SHE BITES MARIE’S NECK?!
Again…. Marie… TOTALLY OKAY WITH THIS!!!!
Back at the house, Carmilla tells Marie that she needs to leave soon and Marie volunteers to go with her. YOU SEE FATHER, THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDA LET THE GIRL GO OUT FOR WALKS OCCASIONALLY!!!! FUCKING HELL! Anyway, they come in to see the men eating and Carmilla can’t go up the stairs because of the flowers.
She ends up Jedi-mind tricking the cat to drop down and Father tells Carmilla she’s not allowed to be near Marie anymore; leaving Marie to bitch and fucking moan about being friends with someone or some such shit… I don’t care at this point.
Marie even takes off the protective necklace that Father’s wearing, puts it around Carmilla and… NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS!!!
Then there’s some BULLSHIT about how Father ‘needed to understand just how lonely Marie was/is’ and they kick Carmilla out.
The Inspector tells them to kill Carmilla at dawn, because that’s when she sleeps and they also need to watch over Marie so Carmilla can’t get to her. Carmilla goes upstairs and SEES THE GHOSTLY IMAGE OF HER MOTHER…. DA FUCK?!
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK’S EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Then we see the Inspector in bed and he hears Marie moaning in the next room, so he grabs his trusty stake to go kill a vampire bitch.
And it totally doesn’t… because Carmilla telepathically shuts/locks the doors/windows and lets in smoke.
The other men come in to see the Inspector dead with that stake RIGHT THROUGH HIS GODDAMN HEAD!!!
They run into Marie’s room… WHO’S TOTALLY NOT THERE!!
And somehow they figure out that they need to go to a graveyard to find her… WHA… FUCK IT, I DON’T CARE!!!
Turns out, they were right because the next thing we see is Carmilla and Marie standing in the middle of a crypt to hide from the sun.
And then the posse that Father and Doc JUST HAPPENED TO FORM… comes up with torches, as Carmilla calls upon her fucking bat army; with Marie bitching about her Father and shit. Damn, this bitch’s never fucking satisfied, is she?
Anyway, Carmilla does let Marie step outside to say goodbye to Father and then runs back to the crypt; with the guys following. The guys proceed to open the coffins and STAKE EVERY MOTHERFUCKING VAMPIRE IN THERE!! Then they open up this coffin and see some lady in there;
Turns out… IT’S FUCKING MARIE’S MOM AND APPARENTLY, SHE NEVER RAN AWAY AT ALL; CARMILLA JUST TURNED HER INTO A VAMPIRE!! WHA….
HOW IN THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?! WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!
Anyway, Mom begs to be killed, so Marie and Father do it together; because WHY THE FUCK NOT?!
Everyone leaves to head home, with no sign of Carmilla. Father asks Marie to forgive him for being such an asshole and they ponder about Carmilla keeping Mom for herself.
Back at home, Marie’s in bed and Father leaves to get her some tea. Once he’s gone, Marie checks out the room and finds not a damn thing. But then, a fucking white rat comes on her bed, scaring the shit out of her. And I swear to God… you can fucking see the rat wrangler’s hand motioning to it with his hand. Check it out;
Then the rat turns into Carmilla and the two have a shoving match as Carmilla tries to bite her again. And Marie ends up pushing her into a hook in the wall, killing her as the men run in to open the curtains and letting the sun in to kill her once and for all.
Marie asks her Father to close the curtains after all that and there’s some BULLSHIT about this doll she had and also how Marie’s ‘happier now’. So… is Marie a fucking vampire now or what? The credits roll then, so I guess we’ll never know!
For a one-hour special, this movie felt like it was longer. It was okay, but nothing great; as were the actors. Totally glad I never spent the money to rent the movie from Blockbuster and was able to just YOUTUBE it.
That’s all for now guys, see you soon! Thanks for reading!