184: Goldilocks ~ Nutty Fruitcake
Title: Goldilocks
Name: Marise Asahina, Goldilocks, Mari-miffin, Mari-chan, Shirley
Suthor: Nutty Fruitcake
Pairings: Shinji/Marise
Stats: 20 chapters, 160,034 words, 139 reviews; average: 8,000 words, 7 reviews.
Rating Toshiro
Appearance: Here is her fullbring profile and her shinigami profile “Marise has long, curly blonde hair (hence the nickname Goldilocks), that reaches about halfway down her back, and side-swept bangs.” Also, “She has smooth creamy skin with a light pink blush on her cheeks and blue eyes that are usually vibrant.” When she becomes a shinigami, “Her eyes, though the same bright blue, hold more softness to them than before, possibly depicting caring or understanding. Her hair, which was once long, is now cut short to where it just reaches her chin. However, it's still curly, very similar to the hairstyle of Marilyn Monroe.” Also, “Mari's Shinigami uniform is very modified. She felt that the normal uniform was too bland and edited it to her taste. Her uniform is a cross between a short kimono and a maid uniform. The collar and hem of the skirt are lined with white ruffles. She wears a corset around her waist that has two pink ribbons in the front and a large bow behind. Because she would be bored of looking the same everyday, she changes the corset/bow so that there are different patterns on it. Instead of wearing the normal Shinigami sandals and ankle-length socks, Marise traded the sandals in for pink ballet shoes with straps and wears white thigh-high socks with a pink band around the top.”
Bacground: She is half-French, half-apanese. She goes to the same school as Orihime and turns down her invite to sit with them because she doesn't want pity. She is up on the roof and then somehow ends up falling to the ground despite there being a chain length fence and is caught by Shinji.
Sue Qualifications: I'm going to go with the fact that she can see ghosts but has gone under the radar of Orihime, Chad and Uryu as they would have been able to pick up her reiatsu and they would have approached her to be a part of their group so birds of a feather can stick together. Her faults as of the first chapter seem only there to make her look cute and cause her to conveniently fall into Shinji's arms. She then strikes up a conversation with a complete stranger and Shinji is overly friendly with someone he honestly has no reason for taking an interest in. Actually, the fact he shows up at the school is way to convenient. There is description used from limited person view point that indicates she actually does know the group well. Her ghost friends lead her to Urahara and her brother Taro conveniently walks into being attacked by Hollows so that Shinji can rescue them. I'm going to go from her profiles now, and her fullbring uses a gun which is her father's zampaktuo. Except, there are no zampaktuo that are guns so this is a fail, and second, it shouldn't then be an object that she can use for full bring Zampaktu are after all a part of a persons soul and if her father has lost his powers it will have disappeared from reality and if he hasn't he should be using it. Her fullbring also transforms into a gunblade which shoots bullets from the blade, which is another fail because that is NOT how a gunblade works. On top of this, “Mari is able to create her own fantasy reciting an incantation related to whatever fairytale she wants to transport her and her opponent to. Mari does this by transforming the blade part of her gun into a large key,...” She and her opponent then have powers based on characters from the world they go into. And then, when she becomes a shinigami she gets a “special uniform”.
Annoying Attributes The author knows very well what a Mary Sue is. One of the reasons she is falling into the traps of writing one is because I honestly don't think she understands what a Mary Sue is. On her profile she flat out says that Mari can't be a self-insert because she and Mari are nothing alike, but a self-insert isn't always yourself, it can also be who you would like to be. She's spent way more time thinking about every single detail about her character rather then the actual story she was going to tell. The best way to avoid a Mary Sue from my experience is to focus on the story. It also feels like all of the author's Mary Sues accumulated into creating this particular one. Also, I can't get past the first two chapters. Then again, look at how much information I got from just those two chapters and the profiles she used for her characters. In the long run, it isn't about having a special character. It is about having a character that meshes well with the other canon characters, canon itself and real world logic. She's honestly NOT a bad writer either, but does have a problem with purple prose.
Sample:
Though the last bell had rung, signaling the end of the day, Marise was on the roof of the school, the soft wind whispering and running over her clothes and face. She placed her hand around the diamond-chained fence, and looked down at the green area where students had just eaten lunch a few hours earlier. Mari remembered when she had come up here to see Orihime and her many friends gathered around the oak tree, eating their lunches. Mari always ate alone, even though Orihime would often urge her to come and sit with her and the others, she would always refuse. She'd hate herself if she accepted, as Mari could never accept another person's sympathy. No…she would only accept her own.
Mari squinted, her head tilted to the side. She could almost clearly imagine another girl sitting there, though this one had raven black hair, skin as white as snow, and eyes the color of the amethyst jewel. It was Kuchiki Rukia. Marise hadn't seen the petite girl in more than a year; it was as if she had suddenly disappeared. And what was even stranger was that no one seemed to remember that she had even existed, which baffled Mari. There was obviously something peculiar about it, but what could Mari do? She might as well just leave it alone, as it had nothing to do with her anyway, and she didn't want to be dragged into any unwanted situation.
"Heya, Mari-muffin."
Marise's eyes widened with fear, and she shivered, looking around.Who said that? She looked in front of her, and her hand flew to her mouth as she gasped. In front of her was her childhood friend, Shiraishi Naoki, though he wasn't a child anymore.
"N-naoki?" she whispered, trying to reach out, though the fence blocked her from doing so. She pulled back, and shaking her head, said, "No…you're not here. You're not real. You're just…just apart of my imagination…" She took steps back, and gasped again in seeing another friend, Honovi, right next to her.
"Hello there, Bitter Doll," the girl with long, silky raven hair said, with a seductive smile, her cat green eyes sparkling.
Marise pressed her hands to her eyes, and turned away. When she took them away, she saw that her friends were no longer there. With a hand holding her other arm, she again looked across at the trees before her, and allowed the wind to caress her.
It was stupid of me to believe that my friends were actually here. What a fairy tale…
Shinji now saw the school in view, and looked at it, memories of his days there flooding his mind. Hmm…wind sure is pickin' up. He stopped in his tracks, and looked up, squinting. He saw a girl standing on the roof of the school, and with the wind blowing she could have almost appeared to be a ghost
.
Name: Marise Asahina, Goldilocks, Mari-miffin, Mari-chan, Shirley
Suthor: Nutty Fruitcake
Pairings: Shinji/Marise
Stats: 20 chapters, 160,034 words, 139 reviews; average: 8,000 words, 7 reviews.
Rating Toshiro
Appearance: Here is her fullbring profile and her shinigami profile “Marise has long, curly blonde hair (hence the nickname Goldilocks), that reaches about halfway down her back, and side-swept bangs.” Also, “She has smooth creamy skin with a light pink blush on her cheeks and blue eyes that are usually vibrant.” When she becomes a shinigami, “Her eyes, though the same bright blue, hold more softness to them than before, possibly depicting caring or understanding. Her hair, which was once long, is now cut short to where it just reaches her chin. However, it's still curly, very similar to the hairstyle of Marilyn Monroe.” Also, “Mari's Shinigami uniform is very modified. She felt that the normal uniform was too bland and edited it to her taste. Her uniform is a cross between a short kimono and a maid uniform. The collar and hem of the skirt are lined with white ruffles. She wears a corset around her waist that has two pink ribbons in the front and a large bow behind. Because she would be bored of looking the same everyday, she changes the corset/bow so that there are different patterns on it. Instead of wearing the normal Shinigami sandals and ankle-length socks, Marise traded the sandals in for pink ballet shoes with straps and wears white thigh-high socks with a pink band around the top.”
Bacground: She is half-French, half-apanese. She goes to the same school as Orihime and turns down her invite to sit with them because she doesn't want pity. She is up on the roof and then somehow ends up falling to the ground despite there being a chain length fence and is caught by Shinji.
Sue Qualifications: I'm going to go with the fact that she can see ghosts but has gone under the radar of Orihime, Chad and Uryu as they would have been able to pick up her reiatsu and they would have approached her to be a part of their group so birds of a feather can stick together. Her faults as of the first chapter seem only there to make her look cute and cause her to conveniently fall into Shinji's arms. She then strikes up a conversation with a complete stranger and Shinji is overly friendly with someone he honestly has no reason for taking an interest in. Actually, the fact he shows up at the school is way to convenient. There is description used from limited person view point that indicates she actually does know the group well. Her ghost friends lead her to Urahara and her brother Taro conveniently walks into being attacked by Hollows so that Shinji can rescue them. I'm going to go from her profiles now, and her fullbring uses a gun which is her father's zampaktuo. Except, there are no zampaktuo that are guns so this is a fail, and second, it shouldn't then be an object that she can use for full bring Zampaktu are after all a part of a persons soul and if her father has lost his powers it will have disappeared from reality and if he hasn't he should be using it. Her fullbring also transforms into a gunblade which shoots bullets from the blade, which is another fail because that is NOT how a gunblade works. On top of this, “Mari is able to create her own fantasy reciting an incantation related to whatever fairytale she wants to transport her and her opponent to. Mari does this by transforming the blade part of her gun into a large key,...” She and her opponent then have powers based on characters from the world they go into. And then, when she becomes a shinigami she gets a “special uniform”.
Annoying Attributes The author knows very well what a Mary Sue is. One of the reasons she is falling into the traps of writing one is because I honestly don't think she understands what a Mary Sue is. On her profile she flat out says that Mari can't be a self-insert because she and Mari are nothing alike, but a self-insert isn't always yourself, it can also be who you would like to be. She's spent way more time thinking about every single detail about her character rather then the actual story she was going to tell. The best way to avoid a Mary Sue from my experience is to focus on the story. It also feels like all of the author's Mary Sues accumulated into creating this particular one. Also, I can't get past the first two chapters. Then again, look at how much information I got from just those two chapters and the profiles she used for her characters. In the long run, it isn't about having a special character. It is about having a character that meshes well with the other canon characters, canon itself and real world logic. She's honestly NOT a bad writer either, but does have a problem with purple prose.
Sample:
Though the last bell had rung, signaling the end of the day, Marise was on the roof of the school, the soft wind whispering and running over her clothes and face. She placed her hand around the diamond-chained fence, and looked down at the green area where students had just eaten lunch a few hours earlier. Mari remembered when she had come up here to see Orihime and her many friends gathered around the oak tree, eating their lunches. Mari always ate alone, even though Orihime would often urge her to come and sit with her and the others, she would always refuse. She'd hate herself if she accepted, as Mari could never accept another person's sympathy. No…she would only accept her own.
Mari squinted, her head tilted to the side. She could almost clearly imagine another girl sitting there, though this one had raven black hair, skin as white as snow, and eyes the color of the amethyst jewel. It was Kuchiki Rukia. Marise hadn't seen the petite girl in more than a year; it was as if she had suddenly disappeared. And what was even stranger was that no one seemed to remember that she had even existed, which baffled Mari. There was obviously something peculiar about it, but what could Mari do? She might as well just leave it alone, as it had nothing to do with her anyway, and she didn't want to be dragged into any unwanted situation.
"Heya, Mari-muffin."
Marise's eyes widened with fear, and she shivered, looking around.Who said that? She looked in front of her, and her hand flew to her mouth as she gasped. In front of her was her childhood friend, Shiraishi Naoki, though he wasn't a child anymore.
"N-naoki?" she whispered, trying to reach out, though the fence blocked her from doing so. She pulled back, and shaking her head, said, "No…you're not here. You're not real. You're just…just apart of my imagination…" She took steps back, and gasped again in seeing another friend, Honovi, right next to her.
"Hello there, Bitter Doll," the girl with long, silky raven hair said, with a seductive smile, her cat green eyes sparkling.
Marise pressed her hands to her eyes, and turned away. When she took them away, she saw that her friends were no longer there. With a hand holding her other arm, she again looked across at the trees before her, and allowed the wind to caress her.
It was stupid of me to believe that my friends were actually here. What a fairy tale…
Shinji now saw the school in view, and looked at it, memories of his days there flooding his mind. Hmm…wind sure is pickin' up. He stopped in his tracks, and looked up, squinting. He saw a girl standing on the roof of the school, and with the wind blowing she could have almost appeared to be a ghost
.