147: This light I see
Note - Here is the first fanfic I am putting up for my month of fanfics over 50,000 words. That said, these entries will include a bonus stat feature.
Special Note - I actually reviewed this fanfic on March 4, 2009. I identified then that the fanfic had problems, despite the fact that I hadn't been in the fandom that long,. So, I am glad I found this one again.
Title: This light I see (For those who aren't familiar with the Bleach fandom, "This Light I See" is one of the songs that Toshiro sings on the voice tracks.)
Name: Sasuki Raiyorin
Suethor: Sasuki234
Rating: Gin
Pairings: Toshiro/Raiyorin
Stats: 166,619 words, 83 chapters and 103 reviews. That means the average for each chapter is about 2000 words and 2 reviews.
Appearance: Raiyorin has “long, blue hair.” According to her own words, she is “not as beautiful as Rangiku or any of the other female shinigami out there.” Her Bankai consists of “great, illuminous wings on [the] back..”
Background: She is Toshiro's child hood friend.
Sue Qualifications: The fact that she is Toshiro's child hood friend is in itself a Mary Sue issue. She happens to know Bankai, despite the fact that is RARE and despite the fact, if she is supposed to be paired with Toshiro, she is likely also a young shinigami, which rather usurps what is a major point about him. She is made captain of the ninth division, simply because she has Bankai and yet, her personality honestly says she is not captain material. Actually, her personality is very similar to Momo, and the irony is, the Suethor claimed in the first chapter that she is a fan of Toshiro/Momo, but has a problem with Aizen. She is also the only person in the ninth division to have light based powers. Chapter twenty seven is about Raiyorin finding out she is pregnaunt, and I am thinking... Toshiro is around a ten to twelve year old kid physically and he definitely has shown signs he hasn't yet hit puberty, or he is just hitting it. Actually, this is kind of scary.
Annoying Attributes: The Suethor has a major problem with writing text blocks of doom. The fanfic is frustrating, I got to chapter six and decided to scan chapter headings and the reviews to see what was going on. Raiyorin doesn't think she is pretty, but just like Bella Swan, she ends up with quite a few people saying she actually is pretty. There are also parts that are taken straight out of the Bleach storyline, no changes made.
Sample:
Meanwhile, in the 10th Division, we see our favorite short, white, spikey-haired, 10th Division Captain, Toshiro Hitsugaya, working on his paperwork, trying to ignore his lieutenant's pointless speech about sake. "...So like I was saying, Captain. I tried this really sweet sake last night and it tasted great! But it's expensive to buy one bottle. It's like 100000 yen. I have the money, but I'm not sure if I should buy it. What do you think?" asked Rangiku. A vein popped in the young captain's head. " Rangiku,...How about for once...you don't tell me these pointless stories and work on some paperwork for once?" asked Hitsugaya as he tried his best not to yell. " But, Captain! This is not pointless! This is a serious situation!" said Rangiku. "...Ok. Let me know when the serious part kicks in..." said Hitsugaya as he continued to work on his paperwork. Just then there was a knock on the door. Hitsugaya felt a pressence. A pressence that made him...somewhat...happy. The captain dropped his pen and smirked. ' Its her...' thought the captain. " Who is it?" askedHitsugaya. " Third seat of squad 9, Sasuki Raiyorin, requesting entry, Captain Hitsugaya." said Raiyorin from outside. " Oh, Captain...It's your girlfriend..." teased Rangiku as she smirked at her captain. " Shut up, Rangiku...I have no such thing...Come in!" said Hitsugaya as he granted Raiyorin entry. Raiyorin slid open the door, entering the office, carrying the short stack of papers. " Good morning, Captain Hitsugaya..." said Raiyorin smiling at the 10th Division captain. " Good morning, Raiyorin.." said Toshiro, with a smirk. " Ahem...Raiyorin...Aren't you forgeting someone?" asked Rangiku, a little offended that the young girl hadn't acknowledged her. " Oh! I'm sorry. Good morning, Rangiku." Raiyorin said, smiling at the lieutenant." Captain Hitsugaya, I have some files from squad 9 for squad 10." said Raiyorin. " Put them here." said Toshiro. "So how have you been, Captain?" asked Raiyorin as she made her way over to Hitsugaya's desk, putting the files on the desk. "I've been good. What about you,...Little Raiyorin?" asked Hitsugaya. "...Captain...Why do you still call me that? You've been calling me that ever since we were little. And I don't get why you call me it in the first place. You know I'm older than you by 4 months." complained Raiyorin . "...Because...You're shorter than me and you've always been shorter than me. And hell...You'll still probably be shorter than me in the future." said Histugaya with his trademark smirk. "...Why are you always so mean to me?..." asked Raiyorin. " I'm not mean to you...This is my version of nice.." said Hitsugaya still smirking. . " Don't worry about my captain, Raiyorin. He just has a really big cru-" started Rangiku before she felt a book thrown at her head. Raiyorin stares at the captain and lieutenant confusingly. " Uhm...I guess I'll be going now..." said Raiyorin as she started for the door. " I'll walk you back! I'll be back in a few minutes, Captain!" said Rangiku as she got up and started to follow Raiyorin before her captain stopped her. "RANGIKU! You're not going anywhere. I'll walk Raiyorin back to her squad. You stay here and do your paperwork!" said Hitsugaya as he got up,grabbing Raiyorin's arm, dragging her out of the office. "Hehehe...Ok then, Captain." said Rangiku, knowing her plan would work.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
When the two shinigami finally reach their destination, they start to say their good-byes. " Well this is it. Thank you so much for walking me back, Captain Hitsugaya." said Raiyorin. "It's ok, Little Raiyorin." Hitsugaya replied, smirking once again. " Captain, why don't you ever call me by my first name?" asked Raiyorin. " Because,...I like Little Raiyorin better." said Hitsugaya, still smirking. " Captain Hitsugaya, isn't there anything else you'd rather call me?" asked Raiyorin. " Hmm...Tell you what. If you become a captain, I'll call you something else." Hitsugaya said. " But...I'll never become one..." Raiyorin said sadly. " Raiyorin,...Don't doubt yourself like that..." Hitsugaya had said, putting his hands on her shoulders. "...You're one of the strongest shinigami I know. I just know you'll become a captain one day." Hitsugaya said, looking into her eyes. " Oh,Captain Hitsugaya, that's so sweet.." said Raiyorin smiling and blushing a bit, before Shuuhei burst open the front door of the 9th Division. " ...I wonder where that stupid third seat i-...Oh...There you are, Raiyorin." said Shuuhei as he saw the two shinigami standing in front of him. " Uhm...Was I interupting something?" asked Shuuhei. "Oh! Lieutenant Hisagi! No, you weren't interrupting! I was just thanking Captaiin Hitsugaya for walking me back here. Thank you, Captain. I'll be going in now." Raiyorin said, saying good-bye to her friend and running into her division. The 10th Division captain stares at the third seat run into her division before heading back to his own. Shuuhei looks at Raiyorin as she ran into the division and then at Hitsugaya as he walked back to his. "Hmm..." Shuuhei hummed as he walked back into his division.