[Log] Isshin, Ryuuken
Title: "Love" is a Four-Letter Word
Characters: Isshin (lotus_seed), Ryuuken (thenakedcat)
Rating: PG-13
Timeline: September 8, 2007
Summary: The truth can be terrifying, but in the end it always wins out.
Isshin stood in the courtyard where the plants were starting to fade and die, staring up at Ryuuken's window. He had stared up at it about five times earlier that day, each time after walking around the block, and wondered if he was ready yet to meet his destiny.
He had long since stopped text messaging, calling and emailing Ryuuken, because out of the hundred messages he sent, Ryuuken returned not a single one. Even the frantic messages he left after finding Ryuuken's letter of resignation, so brief and cold, on his desk, and hearing Jyuushiro's rushed confession of their conversation from the night before, went unanswered.
Ryuuken was freezing him out, and it wasn't because he was angry and wanted Isshin to grovel. No, Ryuuken was trying to disappear, to leave him forever. And Isshin felt so lost, as if her were losing Masaki all over again.
He still wasn't ready - so he walked around the block one more time.
Three floors above, Ryuuken was sitting in the midst of his dismantled apartment, trying to collect his thoughts long enough to finish the box he'd been working at for the last hour. He hadn't slept at all since the blow-up in Isshin's office, save for a few uneasy catnaps. The sleep dep was starting to play with his brain. He glanced over at the phone, the only thing still sitting on the table in the hallway. He'd plugged it back in only five minutes after he'd ripped the cord out of the wall...apparently the silence was worse than the constant ringing. And then the ringing had stopped, and since then he'd gotten almost nothing done.
He pulled himself to his feet, body aching with dread. Couldn't dwell on this, had to find something else to do, what could he possibly do to distract himself....
Food. Food was a distraction. And it was necessary. And he couldn't quite remember if he'd eaten recently enough. That would do. He stumbled towards the kitchen.
Outside, Isshin returned once again to the spot under Ryuuken's window. Time was short, he knew, yet he wondered if there was any point to knocking on his door, since the window looked dark and maybe no one lived there anymore. Another corner of his mind shouted in protest that if he were going to give up this easily, he may as well die where he stood. So he stonily headed down the path to the stairs, familiar in a way that filled him with despair.
Finally, Isshin found himself in front of Ryuuken's apartment door, and forced himself to knock, even though he still hadn't found the magic words that would fix everything.
Well, Ryuuken had almost accomplished his goal. He'd actually managed to put instant oatmeal in a bowl, boil water, and pour it over the flakes. But then that knock had come from the front door, shattering the quiet and echoing in his brain long after the sound had passed. In the echoes, he didn't even hear the bowl shattering on the floor.
It felt like an eternity that he was frozen in place, mind running frantically to remember what he was supposed to do and coming up with nothing but nauseated agitation. From the melee in his mind, one thought emerged victorious: he had promised Ichigo that he would say goodbye to Isshin in person. Leaving made him an ass and a jobless bum. Leaving and breaking his word to Ichigo made him lower than dirt.
Unsteady and unwilling, Ryuuken's feet took him to the door. His hand shook as he pulled back the deadbolt and opened it.
Isshin was staring at his feet when the door miraculously opened. He felt the relative warmth from indoors on his face, even if he felt completely foreign and uneasy standing at Ryuuken's threshold. He forced himself to look up and meet Ryuuken's eyes, feeling haunted and slightly desperate when he did.
"'Ken...' his voice didn't sound like his own, but like an echo from someone else. His eyes traveled over what he could see of Ryuuken's apartment, dismantled and strewn with boxes. He looked back at Ryuuken now, seeing the dark circles that made him look aged and weak. "...please 'Ken, don't do this...."
It was meant to be stepping back graciously to let Isshin into the apartment and not air this mess in front of the neighbors. It ended up being something more like retreating hastily in terror at what the mere smell of Isshin's sweat made Ryuuken want to do. "Not out here," he managed, throat feeling bone dry.
He stepped into the living room, standing just behind a tall armchair for concealment and support. "It has to be done, Isshin. Please....please. Try to understand."
"I can't," the words jumped from Isshin's lips before he could temper them. He was standing in middle of Ryuuken's living room, where he had been hundreds of times before, but never filled with this uncertainty. "It doesn't have to be this way - just... you can quit if you want but please don't leave...." Isshin mind was reeling. Whatever speech he had planned went out the window the moment Ryuuken opened the door.
Ryuuken's eyes were burning--surely it was the lack of sleep, surely it was staring at too many boxes, surely it couldn't be tears, not from a heartless old dragon like him. He rubbed at them, trying to make pain go away.
"We can't do this anymore," he said, and that wasn't his voice breaking, it was just hoarse from being thirsty. "I can't be with you if you're going to take it all the wrong way. And if I stay near you, it's going to happen sooner or later. I can't live with that knowledge."
Isshin was ready to drop to his knees and beg, and he would have if he weren't paralyzed with confusion. "But I-" his voice failed him. "But I love you, 'Ken, even if I didn't see it before."
He blinked, feeling tears sting his eyes. "I'll leave and never come back if you can tell me you don't love me. Just - just say it, and I'll go."
Ryuuken's fingers dug into the fabric of the chair. Dear Lord, how could Isshin say such things so calmly??? "You don't love me!" he shrieked. "You love Masaki, and you're lonely, so you stick those feelings on me and I won't be responsible for damaging your feelings for her you can't put that on me she was my friend too!" He paused for breath, chest heaving.
"It has nothing to do with that!" Isshin protested fiercely, not realizing how loud his voice was until after he said it. "I almost went out walking last night because of this and all I could think was that if I did, no one would come for me this time around.
"You think you're a replacement for Masaki? Well don't you remember that you were always there, even before her? Shit, this is how I feel about you and don't you ever say it's because I'm crazy or lonely or anything else, because that's shit. So, so tell it to me now," the tears rolled freely down to his chin, "just say it and I'll go, if that's what you want."
"I DON'T WANT TO GO! I JUST WANT THINGS BACK THE WAY THEY WERE!" Ryuuken clapped a hand over his mouth after that outburst and did not speak again for several moments as he controlled himself. "I won't let you be disloyal to her, and I won't be disloyal to Alex and OH GOD I CAN'T GO THROUGH THAT ALL OVER AGAIN I JUST CAN'T..." He trailed off in sobs, slumping against the chair. He'd said it to Byakuya, hadn't he? That he just couldn't handle two all-consuming love affairs in one lifetime? That he had been broken and glued back together and couldn't face the thought of being broken again? He'd said it, and it was the truth.
Isshin wiped at his eyes with the back of his sleeve. He couldn't look Ryuuken in the face and risk breaking down completely. He needed to speak, even if he wasn't sure if he were making any sense. "If you don't wanna go, then DON'T GO. And doncha think that maybe this is how things were even before? Except that we never called it what it is?"
Ryuuken was now crouched on the floor, face stained with tears...and he wasn't making much more sense than Isshin. "Knew I shouldn't have promised your son....knew that if I saw you it would only make this worse." He hiccuped and huddled against the chair. "You're here and you're making me want things I can't have and...and..."
Isshin could only hold himself back for so long before he had to do what felt right and natural for him. Ryuuken was curled up and sobbing on the floor, and he felt like an ass for just standing there and yelling. he took three steps to close the space between them and crouched down to face Ryuuken. His face also wet with tears, Isshin held onto the chair behind Ryuuken's back so that he was surrounding the gray-haired man, yet not touching him. "'Ken..." he could think of nothing more to say.
Slowly, so very slowly, Ryuuken turned around to face Isshin, and buried his face in Isshin's chest. "Go," he whispered, sounding like even he didn't believe his own protestations anymore. "Go, and let me make myself miserable in peace."
Isshin lowered his head to Ryuuken's, a lump swelling painfully in his throat and making his voice sound choked and unsteady. "I can't."
Ryuuken's voice had dropped to just barely audible. "Bastard. Why do you have to make it so easy to love you?"
He should be overjoyed. In fact he should be doing a triumphant idiot-dance at Ryuuken's words. But instead he felt a sob come up from his chest, followed by another, as he dared to kiss Ryuuken's temple.
Ryuuken made a sound that was equal parts moan, sob, and sigh at the soft brush of Isshin's lips.
"Not here, please...my ass is killing me and I haven't slept in days..." But he was still Ryuuken through and through.
Isshin took that as a cue to sweep Ryuuken into his arms and carry him off to bed. He started to do so, but his knees threatened to buckle underneath him. It was the first time noticed just how exhausted he was, and the first time he allowed himself to acknowledge it.
He redoubled his efforts, holding firmly as he stood and ignored the slight tremble in his legs as he turned toward the bedroom, wordless and kissing Ryuuken's damp cheek.
That tremble did not escape Ryuuken's notice, and considering that his life rather depended on Isshin staying upright at the moment, he screamed, "COUCH IS FINE, COUCH IS FINE!"
"BOSSY!" he shouted back as he dumped both of them onto the couch, and felt himself sink bonelessly into its cushions. "Uuugh - so tired....."
No longer fearing for his life, Ryuuken allowed himself to relax somewhat against Isshin. The closeness helped push back the terror and awe at what he'd just admitted to...which he was going to have to deal with at some point but not right now. Right now, he had a different sort of confession to make. "I...I haven't been taking my medication. So, some of the things I said. I may be apologizing for them later."
All this felt so weird and dreamlike to Isshin. After everything that happened over the last few days, here he was, holding Ryuuken and tenderly drawing circles on the small of his back with his fingers. If he weren't so tired, he'd do more, but... "well why'dja do that for?" he murmured sleepily but critically. "That messes you up bad, an' you need to take care of that....."
Thin fingers were twining through Isshin's hair and curling into a death-grip on his shirt. "There wasn't anyone I cared enough to be sane for, anymore. You should talk...you reek." The smell certainly wasn't stopping him from snuggling close, however.
Eyes closed, Isshin buried his nose in Ryuuken's hair and breathed in contentedly. "Sorry - forgot about showering, and stuff...." He pulled Ryuuken closer.
Ryuuken's eyelashes fluttered against Isshin's neck, and his soft, warm breath ghosted behind it. "Doesn't matter right now. You're here. That's what I need."
Characters: Isshin (lotus_seed), Ryuuken (thenakedcat)
Rating: PG-13
Timeline: September 8, 2007
Summary: The truth can be terrifying, but in the end it always wins out.
Isshin stood in the courtyard where the plants were starting to fade and die, staring up at Ryuuken's window. He had stared up at it about five times earlier that day, each time after walking around the block, and wondered if he was ready yet to meet his destiny.
He had long since stopped text messaging, calling and emailing Ryuuken, because out of the hundred messages he sent, Ryuuken returned not a single one. Even the frantic messages he left after finding Ryuuken's letter of resignation, so brief and cold, on his desk, and hearing Jyuushiro's rushed confession of their conversation from the night before, went unanswered.
Ryuuken was freezing him out, and it wasn't because he was angry and wanted Isshin to grovel. No, Ryuuken was trying to disappear, to leave him forever. And Isshin felt so lost, as if her were losing Masaki all over again.
He still wasn't ready - so he walked around the block one more time.
Three floors above, Ryuuken was sitting in the midst of his dismantled apartment, trying to collect his thoughts long enough to finish the box he'd been working at for the last hour. He hadn't slept at all since the blow-up in Isshin's office, save for a few uneasy catnaps. The sleep dep was starting to play with his brain. He glanced over at the phone, the only thing still sitting on the table in the hallway. He'd plugged it back in only five minutes after he'd ripped the cord out of the wall...apparently the silence was worse than the constant ringing. And then the ringing had stopped, and since then he'd gotten almost nothing done.
He pulled himself to his feet, body aching with dread. Couldn't dwell on this, had to find something else to do, what could he possibly do to distract himself....
Food. Food was a distraction. And it was necessary. And he couldn't quite remember if he'd eaten recently enough. That would do. He stumbled towards the kitchen.
Outside, Isshin returned once again to the spot under Ryuuken's window. Time was short, he knew, yet he wondered if there was any point to knocking on his door, since the window looked dark and maybe no one lived there anymore. Another corner of his mind shouted in protest that if he were going to give up this easily, he may as well die where he stood. So he stonily headed down the path to the stairs, familiar in a way that filled him with despair.
Finally, Isshin found himself in front of Ryuuken's apartment door, and forced himself to knock, even though he still hadn't found the magic words that would fix everything.
Well, Ryuuken had almost accomplished his goal. He'd actually managed to put instant oatmeal in a bowl, boil water, and pour it over the flakes. But then that knock had come from the front door, shattering the quiet and echoing in his brain long after the sound had passed. In the echoes, he didn't even hear the bowl shattering on the floor.
It felt like an eternity that he was frozen in place, mind running frantically to remember what he was supposed to do and coming up with nothing but nauseated agitation. From the melee in his mind, one thought emerged victorious: he had promised Ichigo that he would say goodbye to Isshin in person. Leaving made him an ass and a jobless bum. Leaving and breaking his word to Ichigo made him lower than dirt.
Unsteady and unwilling, Ryuuken's feet took him to the door. His hand shook as he pulled back the deadbolt and opened it.
Isshin was staring at his feet when the door miraculously opened. He felt the relative warmth from indoors on his face, even if he felt completely foreign and uneasy standing at Ryuuken's threshold. He forced himself to look up and meet Ryuuken's eyes, feeling haunted and slightly desperate when he did.
"'Ken...' his voice didn't sound like his own, but like an echo from someone else. His eyes traveled over what he could see of Ryuuken's apartment, dismantled and strewn with boxes. He looked back at Ryuuken now, seeing the dark circles that made him look aged and weak. "...please 'Ken, don't do this...."
It was meant to be stepping back graciously to let Isshin into the apartment and not air this mess in front of the neighbors. It ended up being something more like retreating hastily in terror at what the mere smell of Isshin's sweat made Ryuuken want to do. "Not out here," he managed, throat feeling bone dry.
He stepped into the living room, standing just behind a tall armchair for concealment and support. "It has to be done, Isshin. Please....please. Try to understand."
"I can't," the words jumped from Isshin's lips before he could temper them. He was standing in middle of Ryuuken's living room, where he had been hundreds of times before, but never filled with this uncertainty. "It doesn't have to be this way - just... you can quit if you want but please don't leave...." Isshin mind was reeling. Whatever speech he had planned went out the window the moment Ryuuken opened the door.
Ryuuken's eyes were burning--surely it was the lack of sleep, surely it was staring at too many boxes, surely it couldn't be tears, not from a heartless old dragon like him. He rubbed at them, trying to make pain go away.
"We can't do this anymore," he said, and that wasn't his voice breaking, it was just hoarse from being thirsty. "I can't be with you if you're going to take it all the wrong way. And if I stay near you, it's going to happen sooner or later. I can't live with that knowledge."
Isshin was ready to drop to his knees and beg, and he would have if he weren't paralyzed with confusion. "But I-" his voice failed him. "But I love you, 'Ken, even if I didn't see it before."
He blinked, feeling tears sting his eyes. "I'll leave and never come back if you can tell me you don't love me. Just - just say it, and I'll go."
Ryuuken's fingers dug into the fabric of the chair. Dear Lord, how could Isshin say such things so calmly??? "You don't love me!" he shrieked. "You love Masaki, and you're lonely, so you stick those feelings on me and I won't be responsible for damaging your feelings for her you can't put that on me she was my friend too!" He paused for breath, chest heaving.
"It has nothing to do with that!" Isshin protested fiercely, not realizing how loud his voice was until after he said it. "I almost went out walking last night because of this and all I could think was that if I did, no one would come for me this time around.
"You think you're a replacement for Masaki? Well don't you remember that you were always there, even before her? Shit, this is how I feel about you and don't you ever say it's because I'm crazy or lonely or anything else, because that's shit. So, so tell it to me now," the tears rolled freely down to his chin, "just say it and I'll go, if that's what you want."
"I DON'T WANT TO GO! I JUST WANT THINGS BACK THE WAY THEY WERE!" Ryuuken clapped a hand over his mouth after that outburst and did not speak again for several moments as he controlled himself. "I won't let you be disloyal to her, and I won't be disloyal to Alex and OH GOD I CAN'T GO THROUGH THAT ALL OVER AGAIN I JUST CAN'T..." He trailed off in sobs, slumping against the chair. He'd said it to Byakuya, hadn't he? That he just couldn't handle two all-consuming love affairs in one lifetime? That he had been broken and glued back together and couldn't face the thought of being broken again? He'd said it, and it was the truth.
Isshin wiped at his eyes with the back of his sleeve. He couldn't look Ryuuken in the face and risk breaking down completely. He needed to speak, even if he wasn't sure if he were making any sense. "If you don't wanna go, then DON'T GO. And doncha think that maybe this is how things were even before? Except that we never called it what it is?"
Ryuuken was now crouched on the floor, face stained with tears...and he wasn't making much more sense than Isshin. "Knew I shouldn't have promised your son....knew that if I saw you it would only make this worse." He hiccuped and huddled against the chair. "You're here and you're making me want things I can't have and...and..."
Isshin could only hold himself back for so long before he had to do what felt right and natural for him. Ryuuken was curled up and sobbing on the floor, and he felt like an ass for just standing there and yelling. he took three steps to close the space between them and crouched down to face Ryuuken. His face also wet with tears, Isshin held onto the chair behind Ryuuken's back so that he was surrounding the gray-haired man, yet not touching him. "'Ken..." he could think of nothing more to say.
Slowly, so very slowly, Ryuuken turned around to face Isshin, and buried his face in Isshin's chest. "Go," he whispered, sounding like even he didn't believe his own protestations anymore. "Go, and let me make myself miserable in peace."
Isshin lowered his head to Ryuuken's, a lump swelling painfully in his throat and making his voice sound choked and unsteady. "I can't."
Ryuuken's voice had dropped to just barely audible. "Bastard. Why do you have to make it so easy to love you?"
He should be overjoyed. In fact he should be doing a triumphant idiot-dance at Ryuuken's words. But instead he felt a sob come up from his chest, followed by another, as he dared to kiss Ryuuken's temple.
Ryuuken made a sound that was equal parts moan, sob, and sigh at the soft brush of Isshin's lips.
"Not here, please...my ass is killing me and I haven't slept in days..." But he was still Ryuuken through and through.
Isshin took that as a cue to sweep Ryuuken into his arms and carry him off to bed. He started to do so, but his knees threatened to buckle underneath him. It was the first time noticed just how exhausted he was, and the first time he allowed himself to acknowledge it.
He redoubled his efforts, holding firmly as he stood and ignored the slight tremble in his legs as he turned toward the bedroom, wordless and kissing Ryuuken's damp cheek.
That tremble did not escape Ryuuken's notice, and considering that his life rather depended on Isshin staying upright at the moment, he screamed, "COUCH IS FINE, COUCH IS FINE!"
"BOSSY!" he shouted back as he dumped both of them onto the couch, and felt himself sink bonelessly into its cushions. "Uuugh - so tired....."
No longer fearing for his life, Ryuuken allowed himself to relax somewhat against Isshin. The closeness helped push back the terror and awe at what he'd just admitted to...which he was going to have to deal with at some point but not right now. Right now, he had a different sort of confession to make. "I...I haven't been taking my medication. So, some of the things I said. I may be apologizing for them later."
All this felt so weird and dreamlike to Isshin. After everything that happened over the last few days, here he was, holding Ryuuken and tenderly drawing circles on the small of his back with his fingers. If he weren't so tired, he'd do more, but... "well why'dja do that for?" he murmured sleepily but critically. "That messes you up bad, an' you need to take care of that....."
Thin fingers were twining through Isshin's hair and curling into a death-grip on his shirt. "There wasn't anyone I cared enough to be sane for, anymore. You should talk...you reek." The smell certainly wasn't stopping him from snuggling close, however.
Eyes closed, Isshin buried his nose in Ryuuken's hair and breathed in contentedly. "Sorry - forgot about showering, and stuff...." He pulled Ryuuken closer.
Ryuuken's eyelashes fluttered against Isshin's neck, and his soft, warm breath ghosted behind it. "Doesn't matter right now. You're here. That's what I need."