[Log] Isshin, Ryuuken, Ichigo
Title: Orangey-Locks and the Two Bears
Characters: Isshin (lotus_seed), Ryuuken (thenakedcat), Ichigo (akaadji)
Timeline: June 29, 2007
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ichigo finds that some things are just more ear-bleedingly wrong before noon.
Ryuuken Ishida was not a sentimental sort, but he did have a strong appreciation of life's small pleasures. Like a nice cup of tea. Especially when accompanied by toast with real marmalade. And ESPECIALLY when both of those things were augmented by a fresh copy of the New York Times, with a pristine crossword.
Even those sublime pleasures could be improved upon, however, when one was enjoying them in one's lover's kitchen of a Sunday morning, with the memory of a night spent in enthusiastic middle-aged debauchery and the hickeys to prove it.
Even the noise in the hallway wasn't enough to disturb him from such perfect bliss.
Ichigo sighed softly to himself as he approached his old home. He'd agreed, after a lot of arguing and some really annoying guilt trip attempts, to visit his father more often. They had 'agreed' on a minimum of twice a month, but Ichigo knew that if he didn't visit soon there would be more complaining. She here he was, first day off since they'd had the discussion, awake earlier than he'd like in order to fulfill his promise to come by for breakfast some time.
There was no point, really, in knocking. Isshin actually scolded him when he did that the last time, since they were family and apparently family had no need to ask for permission to enter the house. So he just dug out a well-worn key and unlocked the door himself.
It was actually peaceful in the house...Isshin was probably still in bed. He momentarily debated whether he would be able to cite this as a visit even if they didn't talk, but logic took over soon enough and reminded him that would never happen.
As he drew closer to the kitchen, the scent of food filled his nose. Maybe Isshin was up after all, and being unnaturally quiet? He had to admit, he was a bit curious now. But whatever he'd been expecting, it wasn't his father's business partner sitting tranquilly at the kitchen table, eating toast and doing a crossword. He couldn't help but gape and blurt out a startled
"What the hell are you doing here?!"
Ryuuken glanced up for all of thirty seconds, and then returned to his paper and breakfast. But he pulled the teapot towards himself protectively, not willing to share the Elixer of Life. There was nothing to hide, here. He'd spent as much time with Isshin over the last 23 years as Ichigo had, easily.
"38-Down is what I'm doing right now...you wouldn't happen to know a five-letter word for 'amoureuse', would you?"
...this was ridiculous. Not only did Ryuuken not have the common courtesy to be surprised at seeing him, but he went right back to his crossword and even asked him for a suggestion. Though, he had to admit, he wouldn't put it past his father to talk Ryuuken into staying to work on assorted crap into the wee hours of the morning...
"No, I don't. And let me re-phrase; why the hell are you here at nine in the morning?"
"Ahhhhh, how did I not see that immediately--'lover' has 5 letters..." Considering that Ryuuken didn't make any move to pencil the answer into the puzzle, it was probably meant to be a hint to Ichigo not to question further lest he find what he wasn't looking for.
"Because I spent the night, and it seemed a shame to leave without a bite to eat or a word to Isshin. Fruit Loops are in the second cupboard to your left; I seem to recall you have a preference for them." He separated the sections of the paper he'd finished with already and slid them across the table.
Ichigo frowned at the older man, bemusement taking over for his previous annoyance. When he'd first met Ryuuken, he'd wondered how on earth the guy could stand working with his father, but ever so slowly he'd revealed himself to be just as weird, if in a different way.
"Probably didn't get it 'cause it's too early to be doing crap like that. ...Huh, figures, so he actually did talk ya into staying. Surprised you agreed to it. Would have thought you're prefer to be alone." ...why did Ryuuken know what cereal he liked? He shook his head. Probably one of the stupid tidbits his father had mentioned to him. They had an odd way of worming their way into your head and making a home there, to pop up at random times and kick out any actually useful information that tried to nest in that corner of your mind.
After making himself a piece of toast in lieu of the sugary cereal, which he was sure wouldn't sit well in his stomach this early, he took a seat at the table and began flipping through the entertainment section.
Ryuuken was now working the crossword in earnest, scribbling letters into the squares as quickly as possible. This was a relatively friendly puzzle--he might be able to get close to his record for shortest completion time.
"My cats are wonderful creatures, but there are certain kinds of company they just don't provide. Your father didn't have to work THAT hard to convince me to stay."
After the disaster of having Uryuu walk in on them, Isshin and Ryuuken had been plotting how best to come out to the Kurosaki brood. They'd yet to agree on a course of action, but Ryuuken figured that it couldn't hurt to drop Ichigo a few hints to soften the blow. Even if they didn't have the intended effect, they rather amused him.
Huh, so Ryuuken got lonely after all...wouldn't have pinned him as the type. Ichigo, having found nothing much of interest in the paper, shoved it away as he finished the last of his breakfast.
"I know how he gets, though...if you wanted company I'm sure there's someone a bit less...excitable out there that you could have spent time with." Ichigo pointed out calmly, watching his father's old friend scribbling in answers. Why Ryuuken was so fond of those stupid things, he'd never know. There were so many better uses of time, especially early in the morning. Like dozing as long as possible before taking a nice hot shower and getting out the door...what he wouldn't give to be doing that right now. Relaxing in bed, radio playing quietly...that'd be heaven compared to sitting here. He liked Ryuuken and all, but it was too damn early for this.
Isshin would agree that it was too damn early, but he also knew that Ryuuken rose early and probably wouldn't stick around much longer, so he'd better haul his ass out of bed. He mused that it would be paradise if Ryuuken actually made a pot for him, but he couldn't smell the lovely java aroma, and there was probably no chance of him doing that in this lifetime, so....
He stumbled down the stairs, wearing only his boxers and a robe that he couldn't be bothered to tie closed. Like a bear emerging from hibernation, he was unaware of many things - the hickey on his collarbone and the one on his ribcage, or the offspring chatting downstairs with his lover - as he wandered in search of food and caffeine.
He yawned loudly to announce himself and scratched his ass as he called out. "Oiiii, would you make me coffee in the mornings if I did that thing you like with my ton- "
He froze at the entrance of the kitchen, staring at Ichigo, and then at Ryuuken (who was armed with a pen, even at this time of day).
Ryuuken's hand curled protectively around the teapot again. MY CAFFEINE.
"Isshin, we've been over this at the office many times. You don't LIKE my coffee, so it's better if you make your own. That way you only have yourself to blame when it doesn't turn out right."
...ah, and there was the perfect cap to the morning. His father, in all of his half-conscious, charming glory. Ichigo groaned softly to himself, putting his head down in the table. Why? Just...why? Why did he come this morning, why couldn't Isshin wear clothes before noon, why was Ryuuken being so possessive of that teapot...and why did he have such a bad feeling about all this?
"'morning, dad..." he muttered into the wood, raising one hand in a half-hearted wave of acknowledgment.
Isshin unfroze himself as Ryuuken and Ichigo seemed not to catch what he almost said. He breathed a sigh of relief internally, so glad to have avoided a VERY awkward moment, and proceeded to the coffeemaker.
The adrenaline rush from seconds ago woke him up sufficiently that he didn't fumble with the coffeemaker much, and while it percolated, he got out a bowl for his Fruit Loops.
"Didja already eat?" Isshin looked up at Ichigo and shook the box a little, after seeing his son's forehead was still resting against the table. His eyes shifted over to Ryuuken - particularly to the curve of Ryuuken's neck, which only hours ago he lavished with kisses and bites from behind.
Shit! I need to stop thinking about that - Ichigo's here! - he tugged the edges of his robe closer around himself.
Ryuuken scooted his papers over a little to make room for Isshin at the table, raising an eyebrow at The Berry's headdesk. Isshin had dodged the bullet a little too neatly back there. Time to see how he'd deal with a real curveball...
"Didn't sleep well last night, Ichigo? Your father didn't either. Tossing and turning ALL night long."
Ichigo heard the sounds of Isshin preparing coffee for himself, not bothering to raise his head. ...he wasn't seriously going to have coffee and cold cereal for breakfast, was he? He made a face against the table, trying not to imagine what fruity breakfast cereal would taste like with coffee, even if it was the ungodly sweet coffee Isshin always made.
He was really going to have to kill the man someday, he noted to himself as he had the cereal box shaken at him. He restrained the urge to swat it away, going back to ignoring everything in favor of focusing on the thankfully clean table. At least until Ryuuken broke it by being creepy again and asking how he slept.
"...Why do you know how my dad slept?" he asked, regretting the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. Knowing Ryuuken, the answer'd be something like "Oh, I had nothing better to do, so I watched him sleep..." just for the sake of unnerving him. Seemed to be somewhat of a hobby.
It may have been a small miracle Isshin wasn't severely diabetic with the breakfast he prepared that morning, but what was a bigger surprise was that he didn't choke and die right then and there.
For a moment, his eyes went round as saucers at Ryuuken's words. He prayed Ichigo would let it slide, only to have those hopes dashed. Was he ready to have this talk with Ichigo, the one where he'd tell his son that he'd been boinking his best friend for the last ten year? OH HELL NO.
Like an ostrich and the sand, Isshin focused on his cereal, taking an enthusiastic mouthful as he tried to change the subject.
"Ichigo! These are really good Fruit Loops! REALLY GOOD!" He hoped his abject fear didn't show.
Eyebrow twitch. "Shut it, Toucan Sam."
Ohhhh like Hell Isshin was getting out of this after avoiding The Talk like the plague...if Ryuuken didn't push the issue, the elder Kurosaki would never get his nerve up, and the younger one would never get a clue. He'd offered Isshin two opportunities to do this gracefully. Time for the heavy artillery.
"I know how your father slept last night because I tied him to the bedframe."
Upon hearing his father's slightly demented-sounding declaration about the Froot Loops, Ichigo finally raised his head to fix his father with the best death glare he could manage while half-asleep. There was something even more wrong with him than usual this morning, and he couldn't be hopped up on caffeine yet...whatever it was, he knew better than to ask. If it was enough for Isshin to hide, it was either monumentally stupid or far too much information.
He couldn't help but snicker at Ryuuken's grouchy come-back and ticked-off expression. If his father was even managing to annoy Ryuuken this quickly, then-What did he just say? Oh god no. Ichigo's eyes widened as he stared at Ryuuken, certain that there was no way in hell he just heard that.
With that, it was Isshin's head's turn to hit the oak of the dining table - repeatedly - until it finally rested with a little whimpery sound. Why, WHY couldn't Ryuuken be a just little subtle, a little gentle, when outing him to his own son?
"But he was wearing high heels," he mumbled against the table, thinking for that moment that that would help his current situation.
It really didn't. He knocked his head against the table one more time.
A thin white hand absently patted Isshin's head--Ryuuken's gaze remained on his tea and crossword puzzle. You will PAY for wimping out on me when we had to have this talk with Uryuu...and your offspring will provide me amusement whilst I take my revenge..and I need to refill my cup if I'm going to be this evil.
"Have you ever, in ten long years, EVER objected to me wearing high heels during sex?"
NO. No, no, no, no. He hadn't heard that. Any of it. Not about his father being tied to the bed by his old friend, or a decade's worth of Ryuuken in high heels...oh god, why did that image have to pop up just to make things worse?
There was no proper reaction to something this utterly and completely wrong, so Ichigo settled for a drawn-out groan of horror as he buried his head in his hands. This had to be one of those really disturbing nightmares, the kind that haunt you long after you wake up. Because there was just no way in hell...
The elder Kurosaki groaned too and stared at the ceiling as he spoke.
"'Ken, just - STOP. Can't you see you're traumatizing my boy?" He pushed himself away from the table and got up. He braced his hands against the counter in front of the sink, and stared at the drain for a few seconds before speaking.
"Ichigo. This isn't an easy thing for any parent to talk to their kid about. But me and 'Ken here - yeah - for ten years. I don't know if you woulda never wanted to know, or if you wished I told you earlier, but... there it is." He sighed. "Dammit, this woulda been a lot easier to explain with sock puppets!"
As he poured out two cups of coffee, he scowled at Ryuuken."Shit 'Ken, why'd ya have to get all nuclear on the kid? - is this some kind of revenge because Uryuu actually saw us doin' it? Because it's not like that was my fault!"
Ryuuken folded his paper as precisely as origami before getting up and walking over to peck Isshin on the cheek, light but affectionate. "I had to because I saw the sock puppets. No sock should be hung like that." And that had been the BEST of Isshin's proposals on how to give his kids the talk.
He carried the teapot over to the sink to rinse it out. With his back to the other men, he said, "You are free to be as traumatized as you like by this, Ichigo--I'm sure Uryuu can give you the number of a good therapist if that's your preference. However, do not ever let this cast doubt on your father's relationship with your mother. Ten years is all. Never before that."
Having never known sounded pretty good at this point...whatever happened to "Oh, by the way, I'm sleeping with the guy you thought was my friend?" instead of explaining by way of kinks he could have possibly had a happy life not knowing or-sock puppets? Isshin wanted to use sock puppets? He stretched out his legs under the table. Yeah, they reached the chair on the opposite side, so he wasn't suddenly eight again...
...okay, suddenly this wasn't as bad as he'd thought. Uryuu had-damn. He felt pity overtake his horror at that little revelation. Sitting u properly, he saw that his father was getting him some coffee as well. Good, he could really use it...
"I wasn't doubting that he loved my mom, thanks...but really, couldn't you guys have told me normally? Sit down and have a nice conversation instead of...this?" He took the cup from his father, sipping at it. Wasn't that fond of the stuff, but today...
Isshin leaned against the counter as he brought the coffee mug to his lips.
He regarded his son with a strange combination of pride and guilt - pride in how well he took this news, and guilt that he hadn't noticed earlier just how mature he had become.
He gave Ichigo a twisted grin. "Sorry son - normal, nice conversations are something we haven't worked up to yet, eh?" He wondered if he could use the sock puppets on Yuzu and Karin.
No, better not.
Okay, well, Isshin had a point there. Normal conversations didn't tend to happen very much in the Kurosaki family. It wasn't really that he was bothered by the concept of his dad being with another man, just the means by which he found out. And he really had to wonder.
"Okay, I have to ask. You've spent a decade with him?" Ichigo pointed first at his father then at Ryuuken. How could he have survived that much evil? And at the same time, well...
"And you managed to spent a decade with my dad?"
Ryuuken finished with the teakettle, wiped it dry, and then took a can of Comet and steel wool from a cupboard to scrub the sink with. Not that Yuzu didn't do a remarkable job of keeping the house clean, but the poor girl shouldn't have to struggle on without help.
"I believe one could call it a combination of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'," he replied to Ichigo.
Isshin scowled. "Whydya have to take the worst view of everything 'Ken? I think it's more like, 'familiarity breeds' - no wait," he stopped. Maybe Ryuuken was right? No! "It's more like - he knows me so well, I don't need to explain anything," he watched Ryuuken scrub out the sink, which he was sure could never be so dirty that it deserved that thorough a cleaning.
"Likewise, I know all the ways that 'Ken's mental," he cracked, still watching Ryuuken attempt to take the porcelain off of the sink.
Nice ass. Isshin reminded himself that Ichigo probably wouldn't care to hear his opinions on that.
Trust Isshin to mess up in a cliché argument...Ichigo snickered. Both of them made fair enough points, though. And he had a point about Ryuuken's quirks. He wouldn't have pegged him as the type to obsessively clean, though he wasn't too terribly surprised by it either.
However creepy the means by which he learned about his dad and Ryuuken were, he had to admit it was probably a really good thing. Decade's a long time to stay with someone while being quiet about it, so things weren't likely to just fall apart one day. The bisexual thing was more surprising, admittedly, but...he'd get used to it.
"I see...do Yuzu and Karin know?"
Ryuuken had finished with the sink, and moved on to unloading the dishwasher to make room for the breakfast dishes. "No, your father hasn't told them yet. We've been going back and forth over how to do it since Uryuu found out in late May."
He gave Isshin a warning glare. "Now you have absolutely no reason to put it off any longer."
Isshin groaned in complaint and scratched absently at a hickey just under the neckline of his robe.
"I KNOOOOOW I know! - but I'm tellin' you NOW - if you pull the same trick on my girls as you just did with Ichigo here, we're gonna have problems, get it?" It wasn't very often that Isshin threatened Ryuuken, but when things concerned his baby girls, his protective Papa Bear instincts always kicked in quickly.
He took a long gulp of coffee and turned his attention back to Ichigo. "So - are we OK? D'you have any questions?"he wished he had his sock puppets, just in case. "I'm not gonna ask you to call him mom, if you're wondering..."
Okay, so he hadn't told them yet. Good to hear. The thought of his little sisters having to put up with a conversation like this one was horrifying. ...was Ryuuken actually unloading the dishwasher to make room for the couple of things they'd dirtied? What was the point? Storing dirty dishes until you needed them/decided to clean up the counter is what sinks are for.
"Considering how you've done with coming out so far, good. And Ryuuken, I side with my dad. You traumatize Yuzu, and you'll pay. And I have nothing holding my back from getting my revenge for this." Even with as threatening as he tried to sound, he knew that Ryuuken wouldn't take it seriously. All the better for when he did. Oh, he wasn't going to do anything cruel to the man; just a little something for the whole list-of-fetishes way of saying that he and Isshin were together.
Questions about any of this? Not really...he'd already gotten more than he ever wanted to hear. ...and there we go; Isshin had just about gone without saying anything stupid, but he just couldn't go through with it.
"...I really wasn't." Ichigo began to laugh. The absurdity of calling Ryuuken that was the last straw in this whole insane situation, and it had officially crossed over into hilarious-disturbing.
Ryuuken turned back to face Ichigo again, wiping his hands on a dishtowel and rolling his eyes heavenward. "OF COURSE I'm not going to traumatize Yuzu; she actually visits her father on a regular basis. As for your other sister, she doesn't show her face often enough for me to get the opportunity." When Ichigo began laughing, he spared a moment to be grateful that at least ONE of their four total children had some sense of perspective.
The break in the conversation was a good chance to swoop in and grab up any used dishes. He glowered unhappily at Isshin's bowl of sugary cereal and obnoxiously sweet coffee, muttering, "Diabetes better not run in your family, idiot."
Isshin had just about enough. As he stalked to the other side of the counter, where Ryuuken was rinsing the dishes, he shouted, "and with your sunny and sweet disposition, I wonder if you were ADOPTED!" How could someone as kind and gentle as Souken spawn someone as sharp-tongued as 'Ken?
Getting no response, Isshin decided to take things up a notch. He shut off the tap and grabbed Ryuuken to fling him over his shoulder. "You must be trying to ruin my morning, so yer getting an ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT," ignoring the swearing and the way Ryuuken was snapping him with the dishtowel.
As Ryuuken struggled against his hold, still snapping and occasionally kneeing him in hard in the chest, Isshin shot Ichigo a look that wasn't angry at all. "Glad ya came by, Ichigo, but I gotta dump 'Ken in the bathtub right now."
Actually, Isshin looked pretty happy about it.
It wasn't his fault that he and his father fought all the time...well, not entirely, that is. But at least he had the decency not to inflict this on Yuzu or Karin. ...Ryuuken had such issues. He actually looked angered by the bowl of Froot Loops, and was muttering either to it or Isshin, one of the two.
Wow...it had been a very long time since he'd seen Isshin yell at anyone other than him. Ichigo couldn't help but wonder what on earth Ryuuken had muttered to his dad to provoke that reaction. ...okay, bodily lifting him up like that was unexpected, and, judging by Ryuuken's reaction, quite unwelcome. And the situation was quickly turning back to disturbing now, with the sudden cheerful look and declaration that Ryuuken was a minute away from being dumped into the bathtub.
"Okay, I'm going. Next time, you are coming to my apartment. One breakfast with you two is quite enough..."
Ryuuken was completely unfazed by the accusation of adopted. "If you'd ever met the witch who whelped me, you wouldn't question iiiiiiiiiiiiit PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN! THIS IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR, JUST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE IN AN INSULIN COMA!!!"
When Isshin announced that the next stop was the bathtub, he screamed and redoubled his efforts to escape. "AND YOU ACCUSE ME OF TRAUMATIZING THE BOY?? I DON'T HAVE ANY SPARE CLOTHES IF THESE GET WET!" But his hand could be observed to cop a feel of Isshin's ass while it was in range.
Characters: Isshin (lotus_seed), Ryuuken (thenakedcat), Ichigo (akaadji)
Timeline: June 29, 2007
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ichigo finds that some things are just more ear-bleedingly wrong before noon.
Ryuuken Ishida was not a sentimental sort, but he did have a strong appreciation of life's small pleasures. Like a nice cup of tea. Especially when accompanied by toast with real marmalade. And ESPECIALLY when both of those things were augmented by a fresh copy of the New York Times, with a pristine crossword.
Even those sublime pleasures could be improved upon, however, when one was enjoying them in one's lover's kitchen of a Sunday morning, with the memory of a night spent in enthusiastic middle-aged debauchery and the hickeys to prove it.
Even the noise in the hallway wasn't enough to disturb him from such perfect bliss.
Ichigo sighed softly to himself as he approached his old home. He'd agreed, after a lot of arguing and some really annoying guilt trip attempts, to visit his father more often. They had 'agreed' on a minimum of twice a month, but Ichigo knew that if he didn't visit soon there would be more complaining. She here he was, first day off since they'd had the discussion, awake earlier than he'd like in order to fulfill his promise to come by for breakfast some time.
There was no point, really, in knocking. Isshin actually scolded him when he did that the last time, since they were family and apparently family had no need to ask for permission to enter the house. So he just dug out a well-worn key and unlocked the door himself.
It was actually peaceful in the house...Isshin was probably still in bed. He momentarily debated whether he would be able to cite this as a visit even if they didn't talk, but logic took over soon enough and reminded him that would never happen.
As he drew closer to the kitchen, the scent of food filled his nose. Maybe Isshin was up after all, and being unnaturally quiet? He had to admit, he was a bit curious now. But whatever he'd been expecting, it wasn't his father's business partner sitting tranquilly at the kitchen table, eating toast and doing a crossword. He couldn't help but gape and blurt out a startled
"What the hell are you doing here?!"
Ryuuken glanced up for all of thirty seconds, and then returned to his paper and breakfast. But he pulled the teapot towards himself protectively, not willing to share the Elixer of Life. There was nothing to hide, here. He'd spent as much time with Isshin over the last 23 years as Ichigo had, easily.
"38-Down is what I'm doing right now...you wouldn't happen to know a five-letter word for 'amoureuse', would you?"
...this was ridiculous. Not only did Ryuuken not have the common courtesy to be surprised at seeing him, but he went right back to his crossword and even asked him for a suggestion. Though, he had to admit, he wouldn't put it past his father to talk Ryuuken into staying to work on assorted crap into the wee hours of the morning...
"No, I don't. And let me re-phrase; why the hell are you here at nine in the morning?"
"Ahhhhh, how did I not see that immediately--'lover' has 5 letters..." Considering that Ryuuken didn't make any move to pencil the answer into the puzzle, it was probably meant to be a hint to Ichigo not to question further lest he find what he wasn't looking for.
"Because I spent the night, and it seemed a shame to leave without a bite to eat or a word to Isshin. Fruit Loops are in the second cupboard to your left; I seem to recall you have a preference for them." He separated the sections of the paper he'd finished with already and slid them across the table.
Ichigo frowned at the older man, bemusement taking over for his previous annoyance. When he'd first met Ryuuken, he'd wondered how on earth the guy could stand working with his father, but ever so slowly he'd revealed himself to be just as weird, if in a different way.
"Probably didn't get it 'cause it's too early to be doing crap like that. ...Huh, figures, so he actually did talk ya into staying. Surprised you agreed to it. Would have thought you're prefer to be alone." ...why did Ryuuken know what cereal he liked? He shook his head. Probably one of the stupid tidbits his father had mentioned to him. They had an odd way of worming their way into your head and making a home there, to pop up at random times and kick out any actually useful information that tried to nest in that corner of your mind.
After making himself a piece of toast in lieu of the sugary cereal, which he was sure wouldn't sit well in his stomach this early, he took a seat at the table and began flipping through the entertainment section.
Ryuuken was now working the crossword in earnest, scribbling letters into the squares as quickly as possible. This was a relatively friendly puzzle--he might be able to get close to his record for shortest completion time.
"My cats are wonderful creatures, but there are certain kinds of company they just don't provide. Your father didn't have to work THAT hard to convince me to stay."
After the disaster of having Uryuu walk in on them, Isshin and Ryuuken had been plotting how best to come out to the Kurosaki brood. They'd yet to agree on a course of action, but Ryuuken figured that it couldn't hurt to drop Ichigo a few hints to soften the blow. Even if they didn't have the intended effect, they rather amused him.
Huh, so Ryuuken got lonely after all...wouldn't have pinned him as the type. Ichigo, having found nothing much of interest in the paper, shoved it away as he finished the last of his breakfast.
"I know how he gets, though...if you wanted company I'm sure there's someone a bit less...excitable out there that you could have spent time with." Ichigo pointed out calmly, watching his father's old friend scribbling in answers. Why Ryuuken was so fond of those stupid things, he'd never know. There were so many better uses of time, especially early in the morning. Like dozing as long as possible before taking a nice hot shower and getting out the door...what he wouldn't give to be doing that right now. Relaxing in bed, radio playing quietly...that'd be heaven compared to sitting here. He liked Ryuuken and all, but it was too damn early for this.
Isshin would agree that it was too damn early, but he also knew that Ryuuken rose early and probably wouldn't stick around much longer, so he'd better haul his ass out of bed. He mused that it would be paradise if Ryuuken actually made a pot for him, but he couldn't smell the lovely java aroma, and there was probably no chance of him doing that in this lifetime, so....
He stumbled down the stairs, wearing only his boxers and a robe that he couldn't be bothered to tie closed. Like a bear emerging from hibernation, he was unaware of many things - the hickey on his collarbone and the one on his ribcage, or the offspring chatting downstairs with his lover - as he wandered in search of food and caffeine.
He yawned loudly to announce himself and scratched his ass as he called out. "Oiiii, would you make me coffee in the mornings if I did that thing you like with my ton- "
He froze at the entrance of the kitchen, staring at Ichigo, and then at Ryuuken (who was armed with a pen, even at this time of day).
Ryuuken's hand curled protectively around the teapot again. MY CAFFEINE.
"Isshin, we've been over this at the office many times. You don't LIKE my coffee, so it's better if you make your own. That way you only have yourself to blame when it doesn't turn out right."
...ah, and there was the perfect cap to the morning. His father, in all of his half-conscious, charming glory. Ichigo groaned softly to himself, putting his head down in the table. Why? Just...why? Why did he come this morning, why couldn't Isshin wear clothes before noon, why was Ryuuken being so possessive of that teapot...and why did he have such a bad feeling about all this?
"'morning, dad..." he muttered into the wood, raising one hand in a half-hearted wave of acknowledgment.
Isshin unfroze himself as Ryuuken and Ichigo seemed not to catch what he almost said. He breathed a sigh of relief internally, so glad to have avoided a VERY awkward moment, and proceeded to the coffeemaker.
The adrenaline rush from seconds ago woke him up sufficiently that he didn't fumble with the coffeemaker much, and while it percolated, he got out a bowl for his Fruit Loops.
"Didja already eat?" Isshin looked up at Ichigo and shook the box a little, after seeing his son's forehead was still resting against the table. His eyes shifted over to Ryuuken - particularly to the curve of Ryuuken's neck, which only hours ago he lavished with kisses and bites from behind.
Shit! I need to stop thinking about that - Ichigo's here! - he tugged the edges of his robe closer around himself.
Ryuuken scooted his papers over a little to make room for Isshin at the table, raising an eyebrow at The Berry's headdesk. Isshin had dodged the bullet a little too neatly back there. Time to see how he'd deal with a real curveball...
"Didn't sleep well last night, Ichigo? Your father didn't either. Tossing and turning ALL night long."
Ichigo heard the sounds of Isshin preparing coffee for himself, not bothering to raise his head. ...he wasn't seriously going to have coffee and cold cereal for breakfast, was he? He made a face against the table, trying not to imagine what fruity breakfast cereal would taste like with coffee, even if it was the ungodly sweet coffee Isshin always made.
He was really going to have to kill the man someday, he noted to himself as he had the cereal box shaken at him. He restrained the urge to swat it away, going back to ignoring everything in favor of focusing on the thankfully clean table. At least until Ryuuken broke it by being creepy again and asking how he slept.
"...Why do you know how my dad slept?" he asked, regretting the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. Knowing Ryuuken, the answer'd be something like "Oh, I had nothing better to do, so I watched him sleep..." just for the sake of unnerving him. Seemed to be somewhat of a hobby.
It may have been a small miracle Isshin wasn't severely diabetic with the breakfast he prepared that morning, but what was a bigger surprise was that he didn't choke and die right then and there.
For a moment, his eyes went round as saucers at Ryuuken's words. He prayed Ichigo would let it slide, only to have those hopes dashed. Was he ready to have this talk with Ichigo, the one where he'd tell his son that he'd been boinking his best friend for the last ten year? OH HELL NO.
Like an ostrich and the sand, Isshin focused on his cereal, taking an enthusiastic mouthful as he tried to change the subject.
"Ichigo! These are really good Fruit Loops! REALLY GOOD!" He hoped his abject fear didn't show.
Eyebrow twitch. "Shut it, Toucan Sam."
Ohhhh like Hell Isshin was getting out of this after avoiding The Talk like the plague...if Ryuuken didn't push the issue, the elder Kurosaki would never get his nerve up, and the younger one would never get a clue. He'd offered Isshin two opportunities to do this gracefully. Time for the heavy artillery.
"I know how your father slept last night because I tied him to the bedframe."
Upon hearing his father's slightly demented-sounding declaration about the Froot Loops, Ichigo finally raised his head to fix his father with the best death glare he could manage while half-asleep. There was something even more wrong with him than usual this morning, and he couldn't be hopped up on caffeine yet...whatever it was, he knew better than to ask. If it was enough for Isshin to hide, it was either monumentally stupid or far too much information.
He couldn't help but snicker at Ryuuken's grouchy come-back and ticked-off expression. If his father was even managing to annoy Ryuuken this quickly, then-What did he just say? Oh god no. Ichigo's eyes widened as he stared at Ryuuken, certain that there was no way in hell he just heard that.
With that, it was Isshin's head's turn to hit the oak of the dining table - repeatedly - until it finally rested with a little whimpery sound. Why, WHY couldn't Ryuuken be a just little subtle, a little gentle, when outing him to his own son?
"But he was wearing high heels," he mumbled against the table, thinking for that moment that that would help his current situation.
It really didn't. He knocked his head against the table one more time.
A thin white hand absently patted Isshin's head--Ryuuken's gaze remained on his tea and crossword puzzle. You will PAY for wimping out on me when we had to have this talk with Uryuu...and your offspring will provide me amusement whilst I take my revenge..and I need to refill my cup if I'm going to be this evil.
"Have you ever, in ten long years, EVER objected to me wearing high heels during sex?"
NO. No, no, no, no. He hadn't heard that. Any of it. Not about his father being tied to the bed by his old friend, or a decade's worth of Ryuuken in high heels...oh god, why did that image have to pop up just to make things worse?
There was no proper reaction to something this utterly and completely wrong, so Ichigo settled for a drawn-out groan of horror as he buried his head in his hands. This had to be one of those really disturbing nightmares, the kind that haunt you long after you wake up. Because there was just no way in hell...
The elder Kurosaki groaned too and stared at the ceiling as he spoke.
"'Ken, just - STOP. Can't you see you're traumatizing my boy?" He pushed himself away from the table and got up. He braced his hands against the counter in front of the sink, and stared at the drain for a few seconds before speaking.
"Ichigo. This isn't an easy thing for any parent to talk to their kid about. But me and 'Ken here - yeah - for ten years. I don't know if you woulda never wanted to know, or if you wished I told you earlier, but... there it is." He sighed. "Dammit, this woulda been a lot easier to explain with sock puppets!"
As he poured out two cups of coffee, he scowled at Ryuuken."Shit 'Ken, why'd ya have to get all nuclear on the kid? - is this some kind of revenge because Uryuu actually saw us doin' it? Because it's not like that was my fault!"
Ryuuken folded his paper as precisely as origami before getting up and walking over to peck Isshin on the cheek, light but affectionate. "I had to because I saw the sock puppets. No sock should be hung like that." And that had been the BEST of Isshin's proposals on how to give his kids the talk.
He carried the teapot over to the sink to rinse it out. With his back to the other men, he said, "You are free to be as traumatized as you like by this, Ichigo--I'm sure Uryuu can give you the number of a good therapist if that's your preference. However, do not ever let this cast doubt on your father's relationship with your mother. Ten years is all. Never before that."
Having never known sounded pretty good at this point...whatever happened to "Oh, by the way, I'm sleeping with the guy you thought was my friend?" instead of explaining by way of kinks he could have possibly had a happy life not knowing or-sock puppets? Isshin wanted to use sock puppets? He stretched out his legs under the table. Yeah, they reached the chair on the opposite side, so he wasn't suddenly eight again...
...okay, suddenly this wasn't as bad as he'd thought. Uryuu had-damn. He felt pity overtake his horror at that little revelation. Sitting u properly, he saw that his father was getting him some coffee as well. Good, he could really use it...
"I wasn't doubting that he loved my mom, thanks...but really, couldn't you guys have told me normally? Sit down and have a nice conversation instead of...this?" He took the cup from his father, sipping at it. Wasn't that fond of the stuff, but today...
Isshin leaned against the counter as he brought the coffee mug to his lips.
He regarded his son with a strange combination of pride and guilt - pride in how well he took this news, and guilt that he hadn't noticed earlier just how mature he had become.
He gave Ichigo a twisted grin. "Sorry son - normal, nice conversations are something we haven't worked up to yet, eh?" He wondered if he could use the sock puppets on Yuzu and Karin.
No, better not.
Okay, well, Isshin had a point there. Normal conversations didn't tend to happen very much in the Kurosaki family. It wasn't really that he was bothered by the concept of his dad being with another man, just the means by which he found out. And he really had to wonder.
"Okay, I have to ask. You've spent a decade with him?" Ichigo pointed first at his father then at Ryuuken. How could he have survived that much evil? And at the same time, well...
"And you managed to spent a decade with my dad?"
Ryuuken finished with the teakettle, wiped it dry, and then took a can of Comet and steel wool from a cupboard to scrub the sink with. Not that Yuzu didn't do a remarkable job of keeping the house clean, but the poor girl shouldn't have to struggle on without help.
"I believe one could call it a combination of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'," he replied to Ichigo.
Isshin scowled. "Whydya have to take the worst view of everything 'Ken? I think it's more like, 'familiarity breeds' - no wait," he stopped. Maybe Ryuuken was right? No! "It's more like - he knows me so well, I don't need to explain anything," he watched Ryuuken scrub out the sink, which he was sure could never be so dirty that it deserved that thorough a cleaning.
"Likewise, I know all the ways that 'Ken's mental," he cracked, still watching Ryuuken attempt to take the porcelain off of the sink.
Nice ass. Isshin reminded himself that Ichigo probably wouldn't care to hear his opinions on that.
Trust Isshin to mess up in a cliché argument...Ichigo snickered. Both of them made fair enough points, though. And he had a point about Ryuuken's quirks. He wouldn't have pegged him as the type to obsessively clean, though he wasn't too terribly surprised by it either.
However creepy the means by which he learned about his dad and Ryuuken were, he had to admit it was probably a really good thing. Decade's a long time to stay with someone while being quiet about it, so things weren't likely to just fall apart one day. The bisexual thing was more surprising, admittedly, but...he'd get used to it.
"I see...do Yuzu and Karin know?"
Ryuuken had finished with the sink, and moved on to unloading the dishwasher to make room for the breakfast dishes. "No, your father hasn't told them yet. We've been going back and forth over how to do it since Uryuu found out in late May."
He gave Isshin a warning glare. "Now you have absolutely no reason to put it off any longer."
Isshin groaned in complaint and scratched absently at a hickey just under the neckline of his robe.
"I KNOOOOOW I know! - but I'm tellin' you NOW - if you pull the same trick on my girls as you just did with Ichigo here, we're gonna have problems, get it?" It wasn't very often that Isshin threatened Ryuuken, but when things concerned his baby girls, his protective Papa Bear instincts always kicked in quickly.
He took a long gulp of coffee and turned his attention back to Ichigo. "So - are we OK? D'you have any questions?"he wished he had his sock puppets, just in case. "I'm not gonna ask you to call him mom, if you're wondering..."
Okay, so he hadn't told them yet. Good to hear. The thought of his little sisters having to put up with a conversation like this one was horrifying. ...was Ryuuken actually unloading the dishwasher to make room for the couple of things they'd dirtied? What was the point? Storing dirty dishes until you needed them/decided to clean up the counter is what sinks are for.
"Considering how you've done with coming out so far, good. And Ryuuken, I side with my dad. You traumatize Yuzu, and you'll pay. And I have nothing holding my back from getting my revenge for this." Even with as threatening as he tried to sound, he knew that Ryuuken wouldn't take it seriously. All the better for when he did. Oh, he wasn't going to do anything cruel to the man; just a little something for the whole list-of-fetishes way of saying that he and Isshin were together.
Questions about any of this? Not really...he'd already gotten more than he ever wanted to hear. ...and there we go; Isshin had just about gone without saying anything stupid, but he just couldn't go through with it.
"...I really wasn't." Ichigo began to laugh. The absurdity of calling Ryuuken that was the last straw in this whole insane situation, and it had officially crossed over into hilarious-disturbing.
Ryuuken turned back to face Ichigo again, wiping his hands on a dishtowel and rolling his eyes heavenward. "OF COURSE I'm not going to traumatize Yuzu; she actually visits her father on a regular basis. As for your other sister, she doesn't show her face often enough for me to get the opportunity." When Ichigo began laughing, he spared a moment to be grateful that at least ONE of their four total children had some sense of perspective.
The break in the conversation was a good chance to swoop in and grab up any used dishes. He glowered unhappily at Isshin's bowl of sugary cereal and obnoxiously sweet coffee, muttering, "Diabetes better not run in your family, idiot."
Isshin had just about enough. As he stalked to the other side of the counter, where Ryuuken was rinsing the dishes, he shouted, "and with your sunny and sweet disposition, I wonder if you were ADOPTED!" How could someone as kind and gentle as Souken spawn someone as sharp-tongued as 'Ken?
Getting no response, Isshin decided to take things up a notch. He shut off the tap and grabbed Ryuuken to fling him over his shoulder. "You must be trying to ruin my morning, so yer getting an ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT," ignoring the swearing and the way Ryuuken was snapping him with the dishtowel.
As Ryuuken struggled against his hold, still snapping and occasionally kneeing him in hard in the chest, Isshin shot Ichigo a look that wasn't angry at all. "Glad ya came by, Ichigo, but I gotta dump 'Ken in the bathtub right now."
Actually, Isshin looked pretty happy about it.
It wasn't his fault that he and his father fought all the time...well, not entirely, that is. But at least he had the decency not to inflict this on Yuzu or Karin. ...Ryuuken had such issues. He actually looked angered by the bowl of Froot Loops, and was muttering either to it or Isshin, one of the two.
Wow...it had been a very long time since he'd seen Isshin yell at anyone other than him. Ichigo couldn't help but wonder what on earth Ryuuken had muttered to his dad to provoke that reaction. ...okay, bodily lifting him up like that was unexpected, and, judging by Ryuuken's reaction, quite unwelcome. And the situation was quickly turning back to disturbing now, with the sudden cheerful look and declaration that Ryuuken was a minute away from being dumped into the bathtub.
"Okay, I'm going. Next time, you are coming to my apartment. One breakfast with you two is quite enough..."
Ryuuken was completely unfazed by the accusation of adopted. "If you'd ever met the witch who whelped me, you wouldn't question iiiiiiiiiiiiit PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN! THIS IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR, JUST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE IN AN INSULIN COMA!!!"
When Isshin announced that the next stop was the bathtub, he screamed and redoubled his efforts to escape. "AND YOU ACCUSE ME OF TRAUMATIZING THE BOY?? I DON'T HAVE ANY SPARE CLOTHES IF THESE GET WET!" But his hand could be observed to cop a feel of Isshin's ass while it was in range.