it's been a while since I really vented about anything. I should do that so I can get over it...
So my dad took our car to the eastside again. But we got it back last night so its all good now. I just wish he'd leave us and get his life together cuz I can't be goin thru that shit again. Its bullshit ya know. Anyway...
Emmy came up to me at the end of lunch and was telling me about how Mr. Shively is auditioning seniors to sing Another Day at graduation. Another Day... I guess people have been declaring it "my song" or something. But anyway he gave them a copy of me singing it with jazz band. I don't really like the idea of it. He should of gave them Chie's original copy of that guy singing it. That's kinda rude. I know I chose to withdrawal from the school but that was because I wasn't gonna be able to get my diploma and in order to get my GED I had to be formally withdrawn from any school. Period. Plus they wanted to have me come back to DSA for another year and be placed in special education. Ya know how much more complicated that makes things when I want to go to college or even just get another job? I'd be classified as a special needs person. That's not how I want to be viewed. Anyway- in these last 4 years or so I've given as much as I could to doing every performance asked and doing everyones senior projects last year and every gig I could with jazz band- even after I left DSA I still performed with jazz band. I've had my ups and downs and have been through a lot of shit that other kids didn't have to deal with. A lot of the times at the beginning of this year my priorities weren't class or school- it was Where am I going to be living? Are my mom and I gonna be able to eat this week? When I get home from school is my life going to be thrown out on the lawn? Regardless of all that bs I still came to vocal, I still came to jazz band. Oddly enough... I still cared. I don't expect them to let me sing at graduation, I'm not even sure if I even wanna GO to graduation but the least they could do was NOT have people trying to mimic something that I put my soul into, that I worked hard on. Maybe I couldn't give DSA something to be proud of as an academic student but EVERYtime Patty was showing off her school to some big-shot and saw me around- I always opened my mouth and sang. She didn't even call me the right name but I still sang. I dunno... I guess I'm just frustrated with this whole thing. I hardly ever asked to do any of the things I've done at this school except for my auditioning for JWO. And Aida but they didn't let me do that and it was dumb on my part to ever want to be in that show anyway. Maybe this is just for the moment but right now I feel... used. Is that wrong? Am I selfish for feeling that way? I honestly don't know how to answer those questions. I don't know how to feel except frustrated. I understand where they're coming from as far as DPS policies go or whatever but sometimes I don't think they understand where I'm coming from. Whatever. If they don't ask me to sing then fuck it. It's one performance... just another gig. But if they do then I'll at least have something to walk away with at graduation. It may not be a cap and gown or tassle or diploma but it'll be a performance that I'll never get and better yet- a moment in my life that I'll never forget. I might not be able to stand in front of everyone and be proud of getting my diploma but that performance would symbolize my graduation. Not as a student but as a singer.
*sigh*
Well. now that I got that out in the open...
I'ma go get some candy.
Emmy came up to me at the end of lunch and was telling me about how Mr. Shively is auditioning seniors to sing Another Day at graduation. Another Day... I guess people have been declaring it "my song" or something. But anyway he gave them a copy of me singing it with jazz band. I don't really like the idea of it. He should of gave them Chie's original copy of that guy singing it. That's kinda rude. I know I chose to withdrawal from the school but that was because I wasn't gonna be able to get my diploma and in order to get my GED I had to be formally withdrawn from any school. Period. Plus they wanted to have me come back to DSA for another year and be placed in special education. Ya know how much more complicated that makes things when I want to go to college or even just get another job? I'd be classified as a special needs person. That's not how I want to be viewed. Anyway- in these last 4 years or so I've given as much as I could to doing every performance asked and doing everyones senior projects last year and every gig I could with jazz band- even after I left DSA I still performed with jazz band. I've had my ups and downs and have been through a lot of shit that other kids didn't have to deal with. A lot of the times at the beginning of this year my priorities weren't class or school- it was Where am I going to be living? Are my mom and I gonna be able to eat this week? When I get home from school is my life going to be thrown out on the lawn? Regardless of all that bs I still came to vocal, I still came to jazz band. Oddly enough... I still cared. I don't expect them to let me sing at graduation, I'm not even sure if I even wanna GO to graduation but the least they could do was NOT have people trying to mimic something that I put my soul into, that I worked hard on. Maybe I couldn't give DSA something to be proud of as an academic student but EVERYtime Patty was showing off her school to some big-shot and saw me around- I always opened my mouth and sang. She didn't even call me the right name but I still sang. I dunno... I guess I'm just frustrated with this whole thing. I hardly ever asked to do any of the things I've done at this school except for my auditioning for JWO. And Aida but they didn't let me do that and it was dumb on my part to ever want to be in that show anyway. Maybe this is just for the moment but right now I feel... used. Is that wrong? Am I selfish for feeling that way? I honestly don't know how to answer those questions. I don't know how to feel except frustrated. I understand where they're coming from as far as DPS policies go or whatever but sometimes I don't think they understand where I'm coming from. Whatever. If they don't ask me to sing then fuck it. It's one performance... just another gig. But if they do then I'll at least have something to walk away with at graduation. It may not be a cap and gown or tassle or diploma but it'll be a performance that I'll never get and better yet- a moment in my life that I'll never forget. I might not be able to stand in front of everyone and be proud of getting my diploma but that performance would symbolize my graduation. Not as a student but as a singer.
*sigh*
Well. now that I got that out in the open...
I'ma go get some candy.