(no subject)
Life is shitty. I have to wait another 2-3 weeks before I find out about that job. At least that's not a 'no', but damnit I want an answer because I'm way too stressed out and frustrated with the whole thing.
And the girl isn't helping much, she's very pushy and in my face about this friends thing, and I get it, it's not like I don't. I'm not so sure she really knows what she's doing or why, but there's nothing I can do about it. And of course I'm frustrated because she's making me feel useless. She doesn't have many friends there and I'm here so I'm no help in helping her meet new people so I'm no help for her meeting someone that she can have this passionate love about. fuck that. I've given so much to her and for her, we've had the love that she wants but there's always something shitty in the way and sometimes it's her mind and her fear that is keeping it down. I fucking hate that. How can I tell her it's going to be ok over and over..of course I will because I know she'll do great in the future, but right now she isn't doing too badly. She dated plenty of people in college, I basically dated no one and if I tried I got rejected or got the whole "you're such a good friend and I don't want to lose that" bullshit. I'm not attractive, she's even told me that she doesn't find me attractive sometimes, or not in the same was as some cute guy, but of course my personality makes up for it. fuck that, my personality won't survive this world if I'm always alone and rejected because I'm not a fuckin model. And I wish I wasn't so nice, I fuckin give and give and barely receive anything from anyone. I often go out of my way to make even aquaintances feel better, and what do I get from most of these people. Sure I have some good friends, but most people I know still treat me like shit. All I seem to be is a fuckin stepping stone, helping others until they don't need me anymore and then I get hurt. I hate how I'm this way, but I can't change who I am. I've tried not being so friendly, but it's in my damn nature, and so I'm always going to get fucked over. I hate who I am and I'm fuckin sick of this whole fucking world.
And the girl isn't helping much, she's very pushy and in my face about this friends thing, and I get it, it's not like I don't. I'm not so sure she really knows what she's doing or why, but there's nothing I can do about it. And of course I'm frustrated because she's making me feel useless. She doesn't have many friends there and I'm here so I'm no help in helping her meet new people so I'm no help for her meeting someone that she can have this passionate love about. fuck that. I've given so much to her and for her, we've had the love that she wants but there's always something shitty in the way and sometimes it's her mind and her fear that is keeping it down. I fucking hate that. How can I tell her it's going to be ok over and over..of course I will because I know she'll do great in the future, but right now she isn't doing too badly. She dated plenty of people in college, I basically dated no one and if I tried I got rejected or got the whole "you're such a good friend and I don't want to lose that" bullshit. I'm not attractive, she's even told me that she doesn't find me attractive sometimes, or not in the same was as some cute guy, but of course my personality makes up for it. fuck that, my personality won't survive this world if I'm always alone and rejected because I'm not a fuckin model. And I wish I wasn't so nice, I fuckin give and give and barely receive anything from anyone. I often go out of my way to make even aquaintances feel better, and what do I get from most of these people. Sure I have some good friends, but most people I know still treat me like shit. All I seem to be is a fuckin stepping stone, helping others until they don't need me anymore and then I get hurt. I hate how I'm this way, but I can't change who I am. I've tried not being so friendly, but it's in my damn nature, and so I'm always going to get fucked over. I hate who I am and I'm fuckin sick of this whole fucking world.