long emo entry
-lately ive been feeling weird, really weird, around ruben, around alan,
around everyone. and i don't know why. i like ruben, and i know that i can
never have him, cause he hates me and he won't change his attitude about me even though he knows he's missing out and i could be his best bet..but i just can't stand knowing the person i probably fuckin love most, hates me most. and i've been crying, a lot. just today, i probably cried four fuckin times, and i honestly can say, its cause my mom and my sisters treat me like shit all the time, and frankly, im fuckin sick of it. sometimes i wish i could get away..go to florida and live with the family i love and trust most, but im so scared of leaving the people i love and care for behind. i want to know why i cry, and i want to find something to do about it, but i just don't know whats wrong with me..maybe this is just my emotional stage in life, maybe im just being a fuckin cry baby..but i know that something is bothering me. i could probably come to even say that its cause i don't live with my dad and i know he loves me a lot and it sucks to only see him on weekends..but i just don't know why i cry so much and why i feel like im just dumb.
-and im also scared of rejection..of any kind, it doesn't matter from who, or what i've done to be rejected, im fuckin scared of it..and sometimes i feel like there is something wrong with me because i am scared of it. i cry every once in a while because of rejection i've recieved from cristina, alan, ruben, eddie and even at times kenia..rejection is something that plays a part in alll of our lives, and i know im not the only one, but on top of all the other shit that goes on in my life..being fuckin rejected by someone is something that effects me the most.
-i hate sounding like a drama queen. i hate people having pity on me. i hate being the center of attention cause im crying or cause im sad. i hate fake people..i hate everyone who wants to know everything just for gossip..im just sick of people thinking they're important to me, when really, they're not. people i don't even know, or speak to act like they fuckin care for me when im sad when they know i could care less about the shit that happens to them. people like inna, alan (not alan alan), abu, adriana, lissette, kenia, pearl, liz, and cristina are the people i actually fuckin care about, even if i don't talk to them all that much.
so the good parts;
FAMILY
- i love love love my family. love them soo much, i wanna live with them knowing that i'll get along with them no matter how much we argue because i know they love my back..i just love being around them and just chillin because they're the people that have been there with me through thick and thin, even if they are a 3 hour plane ride or a 2 day drive away..i love them and if i could be with them now, i would be..i want that more than anything in the whole fuckin world.
-i just feel so down, i wanna be happy, i really do wanna smile and mean it. cause the smile on my face isn't real, its like if i have a smile painted onto my face, like if i'm a glass doll.
im smiling..that doesn't mean i'm happy.
around everyone. and i don't know why. i like ruben, and i know that i can
never have him, cause he hates me and he won't change his attitude about me even though he knows he's missing out and i could be his best bet..but i just can't stand knowing the person i probably fuckin love most, hates me most. and i've been crying, a lot. just today, i probably cried four fuckin times, and i honestly can say, its cause my mom and my sisters treat me like shit all the time, and frankly, im fuckin sick of it. sometimes i wish i could get away..go to florida and live with the family i love and trust most, but im so scared of leaving the people i love and care for behind. i want to know why i cry, and i want to find something to do about it, but i just don't know whats wrong with me..maybe this is just my emotional stage in life, maybe im just being a fuckin cry baby..but i know that something is bothering me. i could probably come to even say that its cause i don't live with my dad and i know he loves me a lot and it sucks to only see him on weekends..but i just don't know why i cry so much and why i feel like im just dumb.
-and im also scared of rejection..of any kind, it doesn't matter from who, or what i've done to be rejected, im fuckin scared of it..and sometimes i feel like there is something wrong with me because i am scared of it. i cry every once in a while because of rejection i've recieved from cristina, alan, ruben, eddie and even at times kenia..rejection is something that plays a part in alll of our lives, and i know im not the only one, but on top of all the other shit that goes on in my life..being fuckin rejected by someone is something that effects me the most.
-i hate sounding like a drama queen. i hate people having pity on me. i hate being the center of attention cause im crying or cause im sad. i hate fake people..i hate everyone who wants to know everything just for gossip..im just sick of people thinking they're important to me, when really, they're not. people i don't even know, or speak to act like they fuckin care for me when im sad when they know i could care less about the shit that happens to them. people like inna, alan (not alan alan), abu, adriana, lissette, kenia, pearl, liz, and cristina are the people i actually fuckin care about, even if i don't talk to them all that much.
so the good parts;
FAMILY
- i love love love my family. love them soo much, i wanna live with them knowing that i'll get along with them no matter how much we argue because i know they love my back..i just love being around them and just chillin because they're the people that have been there with me through thick and thin, even if they are a 3 hour plane ride or a 2 day drive away..i love them and if i could be with them now, i would be..i want that more than anything in the whole fuckin world.
-i just feel so down, i wanna be happy, i really do wanna smile and mean it. cause the smile on my face isn't real, its like if i have a smile painted onto my face, like if i'm a glass doll.
im smiling..that doesn't mean i'm happy.