(no subject)
Hmm, I was supposed to go to bed early tonight and put this awful feeling behind me, but then I wound up watching Black Adder episodes for three hours which did an okay job of numbing the pain. It's not like waking up in the morning will make everything seem better and be easier to work with, but sleep and all that is like an emergency release valve and just makes things more tolerable until the next time things get overwhelming again.
God, when did I go from being normal to being so overly emotional? I can't wait for this stupid horrible year to end. I used to think that 2006 was bad but this crummy year is a hundred times worse. There is a sort of liberation in being needed by somebody, to be instrumental in making them function, but the amount of empathy taken to keep the commitment going is just... too much.
I still don't know when Wilf's funeral is going to be. I hope I get invited because I'd like to say goodbye to him one last time, but at the same time I'd like to avoid the funeral like the plague. I've never actually been to a funeral before. Like a child unsure of mortality I am bloody scared of the idea. What am I supposed to say when I step up to his casket? 'I'm sorry I wasn't a better carer'?
Sometimes I just feel so underdeveloped mentally and emotionally because my family is so small and we don't really have any family friends. The only real friends of my family is my buddy Chris' mother and the guy dad used to drink with who sells him his dope. All my other family lives in New Zealand, except for the other half of my immedaite family who would take pleasure in seeing me dead.
As such, I've never been to a funeral before. What if I wear the wrong clothes, or say the wrong things? What if I accidentally disrespect the person I would have come to honor?
Guess I still need to take each day as it comes. Someday everything will stop being so awful, I just have to hope for that day to come as soon as possible. There are so many more people worse off than me, I need to remember that.
God, when did I go from being normal to being so overly emotional? I can't wait for this stupid horrible year to end. I used to think that 2006 was bad but this crummy year is a hundred times worse. There is a sort of liberation in being needed by somebody, to be instrumental in making them function, but the amount of empathy taken to keep the commitment going is just... too much.
I still don't know when Wilf's funeral is going to be. I hope I get invited because I'd like to say goodbye to him one last time, but at the same time I'd like to avoid the funeral like the plague. I've never actually been to a funeral before. Like a child unsure of mortality I am bloody scared of the idea. What am I supposed to say when I step up to his casket? 'I'm sorry I wasn't a better carer'?
Sometimes I just feel so underdeveloped mentally and emotionally because my family is so small and we don't really have any family friends. The only real friends of my family is my buddy Chris' mother and the guy dad used to drink with who sells him his dope. All my other family lives in New Zealand, except for the other half of my immedaite family who would take pleasure in seeing me dead.
As such, I've never been to a funeral before. What if I wear the wrong clothes, or say the wrong things? What if I accidentally disrespect the person I would have come to honor?
Guess I still need to take each day as it comes. Someday everything will stop being so awful, I just have to hope for that day to come as soon as possible. There are so many more people worse off than me, I need to remember that.