well that was a big waste of my time...
you know, it's hard for me to be the type of person who likes to go out to parties or bars or clubs or whathaveyou. I normally have to psyche myself up for it hours in advance. Usually once I'm out I end up mostly enjoying myself, but normally I have to be in a certain mood to go out, get trashed, or be in a smoke filled club.
with this said I had begun earlier today to get myself ready for tonight. Ewa was having a birthday party at a place called klub ray or something where I don't know where it is. So I made arrangements to meet the girls before hand. Got myself partly ready still not feeling wholey pumped for this night but willing to give it a shot and get toasted.
Well, I called up Callie who said to meet her, Ewa and whoever else was with them in the Rynek by the creepy head statue in 15 minutes. So I got ready and left, walked over and got there and wouldn't you know it? they weren't there.
So I'm used to always being on time or early for things so I waited... and waited... and waited. After 30 fuckin minutes of them not showing up I texted them. No answer. I called them. no answer. Finally I told myself "fuck this shit" and went home.
well, that's not entirely true actually. I did wait for them, that much is true. And yes I did sware a bit. But I decided to treat myself to coffee first. And cake. There was mass cakage and mass coffeage. then I went home.
On the plus side I won't have a hangover tomorrow morning. and I wasn't very gung-ho about the whole outting in the first place. But at the same time I'm getting very tired of being blown off.
It's just not fair. I know I'm not very outgoing and I know that I'm not instantly the first person that comes to mind when people think of a party girl. I know that, alright? but it's not fair either. Is it too much to want to have people at least even talk to me? every conversation I've been having lately, that's not been to a relative over the phone, is because I have to go up and talk to them first and start the conversation. Even if we're the only people in the room! Have I suddenly caught the plague and everybody can tell except for me????? Am I so boring that people would rather ignore me then even say hello????
this isn't just about tonight. This is just me finally getting sick and tired of spending every single fuckin day alone. Going to classes alone, sitting alone, havin people ignore me or brush me off, going to lunch alone, going shopping, going to dinner, going back home, etc... all alone. Jesus, is it any wonder why I have a tendency to name inanimate objects and talk to them and treat them like real people?? I at least know that they can't ignore or run away from me like everybody else seems to goddamn willing to do.
And I know that I've been spending too much time at home by myself. And they say that you can't meet new people or gain new experiences and make new friends just by staying home all day... but I go out and nobody talks to me there either, and nobody wants to talk to me either, so I sit by myself and look pathedic and then go home alone once more.
And the thing is that I'm starting to be so alone all the time that I'm starting to get used to it. I've already accepted the fact that I will never be a social little butterfly, or one of the popular girls with the whole glitsy life and to free time. And I will never be one of those girls that goes to the clubs and bars everynight. Im simply not like that. But is it too much to ask to have a few friends that are willing to invite me out with them and go with me to lunch a few times a week or go window shopping with me or even just hang out or talk on the phone? Apparently it is too much to ask.
And I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to accept the fact that I will be all alone in my life and I will never have any close friends around me, I will never get a boyfriend, I will be alone for the rest of my natural life. Part of me is upset about this fact, but the scary thing is that the bigger part of me is just starting to go numb and accept my fate and I just want to sit back and just give up. Just let it happen without anymore struggle.
And yeah, there might be brief times when my social life might pick up but in the end it doesn't last. And in the end the only person you really have is just yourself and ultimately you're always going to be alone.
So am I better off being numb and oblivious to the pain and the rejection of my so-called peers, or should I give into the pain and just enjoy the fact that at least I'm alive enough to be feeling something even if it is pain and loneliness and agrivation? Is it better to feel and be hurt? or is it better to just shut yourself off from the world mentally and emotionally and not feel anything just so you don't have to go through the pain anymore? Is it really so wrong to just want to give up and not have to hurt anymore? Is it wrong of me to not want to have to change my whole outward personality in order to attract superficial friends just so I can pretend I'm liked and wanted?
you know... I've been like this before. In my later years in high school the only reason I managed to get through it all and not off myself was because I just went numb. Complete emotional shut down. It took some time to really manage it. But when it happened it was wonderful, you just block out everything until the point when you're just so numb mentally that you can't really feel the emotions, at least not to a great extent. Everything is subdued and you feel so empty and hollow and nothing matters. And you're not really happy or sad or anything most of the times... you're just numb.
the problem was, that after awhile it really starts getting to you and I realised I didn't want to be like that anymore. I didn't want to be numb anymore. To be honest, it took me over 2 years to snap out of it and allow myself to really feel emotions and everything. Suddenly I wasn't numb anymore but I was fine with it. You're not merely this empty shell of a human walking around just going through the motions, you're actually living life again. And it's weird because now I can admit that I am terrified of going back to that again. It's terrifying because it can be so easy to slip into and not be able to slip back out of. It took me so long to snap out of it and yet being here, being so alone and outcasted, being unwanted, it's actually more than a little bit tempting to go back to that place again where at least for once I won't have to give a flaming piece of shit if people like me or notice me or talk to me or not.
so the question remains for me to ponder over: do I keep going on like I am, alone and concerned over why everybody seems to be avoiding me and uninterested in me and just be content with my emotions and my pain and all the other fun filled troubling emotions? Or do I just give up entirely, give myself up and go numb and not have to worry about it anymore and get myself back to the point where you find yourself having to burn or bleed in order to just simply feel anything and remind yourself that you're still alive?
hmm... it would seem I've finally run outta steam for my rant. I'm either going to sleep now or watching buffy until the early morning hours I'm not sure which...
with this said I had begun earlier today to get myself ready for tonight. Ewa was having a birthday party at a place called klub ray or something where I don't know where it is. So I made arrangements to meet the girls before hand. Got myself partly ready still not feeling wholey pumped for this night but willing to give it a shot and get toasted.
Well, I called up Callie who said to meet her, Ewa and whoever else was with them in the Rynek by the creepy head statue in 15 minutes. So I got ready and left, walked over and got there and wouldn't you know it? they weren't there.
So I'm used to always being on time or early for things so I waited... and waited... and waited. After 30 fuckin minutes of them not showing up I texted them. No answer. I called them. no answer. Finally I told myself "fuck this shit" and went home.
well, that's not entirely true actually. I did wait for them, that much is true. And yes I did sware a bit. But I decided to treat myself to coffee first. And cake. There was mass cakage and mass coffeage. then I went home.
On the plus side I won't have a hangover tomorrow morning. and I wasn't very gung-ho about the whole outting in the first place. But at the same time I'm getting very tired of being blown off.
It's just not fair. I know I'm not very outgoing and I know that I'm not instantly the first person that comes to mind when people think of a party girl. I know that, alright? but it's not fair either. Is it too much to want to have people at least even talk to me? every conversation I've been having lately, that's not been to a relative over the phone, is because I have to go up and talk to them first and start the conversation. Even if we're the only people in the room! Have I suddenly caught the plague and everybody can tell except for me????? Am I so boring that people would rather ignore me then even say hello????
this isn't just about tonight. This is just me finally getting sick and tired of spending every single fuckin day alone. Going to classes alone, sitting alone, havin people ignore me or brush me off, going to lunch alone, going shopping, going to dinner, going back home, etc... all alone. Jesus, is it any wonder why I have a tendency to name inanimate objects and talk to them and treat them like real people?? I at least know that they can't ignore or run away from me like everybody else seems to goddamn willing to do.
And I know that I've been spending too much time at home by myself. And they say that you can't meet new people or gain new experiences and make new friends just by staying home all day... but I go out and nobody talks to me there either, and nobody wants to talk to me either, so I sit by myself and look pathedic and then go home alone once more.
And the thing is that I'm starting to be so alone all the time that I'm starting to get used to it. I've already accepted the fact that I will never be a social little butterfly, or one of the popular girls with the whole glitsy life and to free time. And I will never be one of those girls that goes to the clubs and bars everynight. Im simply not like that. But is it too much to ask to have a few friends that are willing to invite me out with them and go with me to lunch a few times a week or go window shopping with me or even just hang out or talk on the phone? Apparently it is too much to ask.
And I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to accept the fact that I will be all alone in my life and I will never have any close friends around me, I will never get a boyfriend, I will be alone for the rest of my natural life. Part of me is upset about this fact, but the scary thing is that the bigger part of me is just starting to go numb and accept my fate and I just want to sit back and just give up. Just let it happen without anymore struggle.
And yeah, there might be brief times when my social life might pick up but in the end it doesn't last. And in the end the only person you really have is just yourself and ultimately you're always going to be alone.
So am I better off being numb and oblivious to the pain and the rejection of my so-called peers, or should I give into the pain and just enjoy the fact that at least I'm alive enough to be feeling something even if it is pain and loneliness and agrivation? Is it better to feel and be hurt? or is it better to just shut yourself off from the world mentally and emotionally and not feel anything just so you don't have to go through the pain anymore? Is it really so wrong to just want to give up and not have to hurt anymore? Is it wrong of me to not want to have to change my whole outward personality in order to attract superficial friends just so I can pretend I'm liked and wanted?
you know... I've been like this before. In my later years in high school the only reason I managed to get through it all and not off myself was because I just went numb. Complete emotional shut down. It took some time to really manage it. But when it happened it was wonderful, you just block out everything until the point when you're just so numb mentally that you can't really feel the emotions, at least not to a great extent. Everything is subdued and you feel so empty and hollow and nothing matters. And you're not really happy or sad or anything most of the times... you're just numb.
the problem was, that after awhile it really starts getting to you and I realised I didn't want to be like that anymore. I didn't want to be numb anymore. To be honest, it took me over 2 years to snap out of it and allow myself to really feel emotions and everything. Suddenly I wasn't numb anymore but I was fine with it. You're not merely this empty shell of a human walking around just going through the motions, you're actually living life again. And it's weird because now I can admit that I am terrified of going back to that again. It's terrifying because it can be so easy to slip into and not be able to slip back out of. It took me so long to snap out of it and yet being here, being so alone and outcasted, being unwanted, it's actually more than a little bit tempting to go back to that place again where at least for once I won't have to give a flaming piece of shit if people like me or notice me or talk to me or not.
so the question remains for me to ponder over: do I keep going on like I am, alone and concerned over why everybody seems to be avoiding me and uninterested in me and just be content with my emotions and my pain and all the other fun filled troubling emotions? Or do I just give up entirely, give myself up and go numb and not have to worry about it anymore and get myself back to the point where you find yourself having to burn or bleed in order to just simply feel anything and remind yourself that you're still alive?
hmm... it would seem I've finally run outta steam for my rant. I'm either going to sleep now or watching buffy until the early morning hours I'm not sure which...